Pape vs. Slaughter in CXGF Song Ranking
Allie Pape ranked all CXGF songs from worst to best. I’ve come here to say this subjective ranking is bad! So of course I decided to counteract with my own subjective ranking. I recommended opening both of our lists and reading them side to side. To keep it as far as possible I will just be using the same system Allie is using 84 songs to pick from.
It is a musical comedy show so it’s not just about the lyrics, it’s about the scene as a whole.
Fun fact: on this Friday’s episode Nathaniel Gets the Message they had songs number 100 and 101! How exciting….and honestly those two songs might break through to top 10 territory so these 84 songs should be thanking me they don’t get to make it.
Okay, here we go!
85. Duh (Season 2, episode 8)
This is one of two songs that Allie and I agree on for exact number placement. Duh is a very boring song and unfortunately Vincent Rodriguez III gets most of them.
84. “Triceratops Ballet” (season 2, episode 5)
I am honestly still confused why this exist or what it even is. But i guess that’s what drugs do to you? Dance heavy and definitely an interesting take on hallucinogens. But putting characters in this situation, I feel, could have made for a wild song which we didn’t experience.
83. “Makey Makeover” (season 2, episode 4)
This song is a makeover montage but not much is going on. It’s short, sweet and pretty irritating. Although, I think that’s the point.
82. “Face Your Fears” (season 1, episode 3)
Donna Lynne Champlin’s voice is unreal but this song so early in the series you could tell they were still working on finding a footing for these song outbreaks. This is one of those that another character sees everything that’s happening and is confused — something that the show gets away with a lot. The musical numbers don’t have a coherent place in the story all the time but we don’t really care.
81. “Ping Pong Girl” (season 2, episode 2)
This is where Allie and I probably disagree the most. Her number 5, my number 81. This pop punk song about a hot ping pong girl very clearly was not written for me, but very clearly was written for my friend Patrick, who notes this as one of his favorite songs.
80. “Sexy French Depression” (season 1, episode 7)
Categorize this under objectively good songs that I’m just not really into. This French New Wave video falls flat. I’m so glad they started talking about her mental illness more seriously after this song.
79. “Clean Up on Aisle Four” (season 1, episode 16)
I’m very invested in Grocery Clerk With Half an Eyelid mainly because he follows me on Twitter. (Hey Ben.) I was sad to see this storyline come and go so quickly but the cameos in this week’s episode made my heart happy.
78. “I Feel Like This Isn’t About Me” (season 3, episode 5)
One time star of CXGF Bayne Gibby gets her own song! Unfortunately it’s to give us a break from a very heavy season and a very heavy episode. Hot people dancing in bathing suits at a swim up bar can’t distract me through my tears!
77. “The Moment Is Me” (season 3, episode 3)
I like Heather songs on paper, and her character being directly put into a song about seizing the day is no exception. But in reality, the Heather subplot of never graduating is not big enough to warrant an entire song.
76. “You Do/You Don’t Wanna Be Crazy” (season 3 theme)
The season 3 theme song is a bit of foreshadowing of what is to come this season with Rebecca and dealing with her mental illness but compared to the other two theme songs we’ve had, it just doesn’t stand the test of time. Although yes, I still do sing it at full volume on Friday nights at 8pm on the CW.
75. “I’m So Good at Yoga” (season 1, episode 2)
Valencia’s first song of the series and what a great introduction to her. Who can’t relate to being in some kind of gym class feeling like everyone is watching you be awful at whatever you’re doing?
74. “Textmergency/Where Is the Rock?” (season 1, episode 11)
This rock number is super fun and I have a secret love of hair metal and I felt super anxious watching it hoping that dang dang text would be deleted in time! But as fun as it is I won’t be revisiting it as much as other songs.
73. “One Indescribable Instant” (season 1, episode 18)
I feel so guilty putting the legendary Lea Salonga so low on the list but even though this song is the spine of the entire series it’s just not worth singing past “in one indescribable instant…” Sounds like that slow song that’s always in the second act of a show and that you kind of fall asleep during. Or whisper to your friend. Or thumb your playbill in the dark.
72. “Thought Bubbles” (season 2, episode 5)
I actually completely forgot this song even existed, which is the only reason it’s so low on the list. I was just listening again and dang it’s fun.
71. “Angry Mad” (season 1, episode 17)
INCREDIBLE dance break! Vincent Rodriguez III is OUTSTANDING. But this song is not lyric heavy which means it sneaks in at 71.
70. “I Love My Daughter (But Not in a Creepy Way)” (season 1, episode 5)
Thank God for Pete Gardner and thank God for a country song that should be about drinking beer and having sex but instead is about uncomfortable lyrics that are somehow appropriate about the love between a father and his daughter.
69. “You Go First” (season 2, episode 7)
What a heartbreaking song. Someone needs to apologize! Take responsibility for your actions! The video on this one really outshines the simple song.
68. “Research Me Obsessively” (season 2, episode 7)
The most perfect stalker song I’ve ever heard but it’s very word heavy. While I love Brittany Snow the subplot is too minor for Spotify play.
67. “Period Sex” (first appearance in season 2, episode 3)
This song had so much promise! We were teased endlessly about a period sex song and when we finally got it…we got this. I’m sad.
66. “Dream Ghosts” (season 1, episode 15)
Allie nailed the head on this one so I’ll just quote her, “But what makes it extra-great is its sneaky commentary on how much society devalues women who do care work, and how thankless and underpaid that work can be.” Where did Ricki Lake come from?
65. “Put Yourself First” (season 1, episode 10)
The original women helping women! I’m incredibly here for this girl group and the idea of putting yourself first so that men can then see how great you look and you make out or move to Portland- no inbetween.
64. “This Is My Movement” (season 3, episode 6)
Let me laugh at the poop jokes! But I don’t really want to laugh at poop jokes for 2 and a half minutes. Okay actually maybe I want to. Okay yeah it’s really funny. #spreadit
63. “My Friend’s Dad” (season 3, episode 7)
Really can’t get behind the “I think about her naked” line. It’s a fun number but I have to go shower now.
62. “Dear Joshua Felix Chan” (season 1, episode 10)
I wish I wrote this letter to a crush growing up but I’m glad I didn’t write this letter to a crush growing up.
61. “What a Rush to Be a Bride” (season 2, episode 13)
This screamo song definitely scared me the first time I heard it. I remember sitting there with my jaw on the ground. It’s so ridiculous it’s deifnitely hilarious but the “lower” songs are because I can’t really listen to them on Spotify.
60. “California Christmastime” (season 1, episode 8)
Josh eats so much fro-yo so quickly in this scene and it’s very hard to watch. It’s a really great group number but probably funnier to those that live in California.
59. “The Math of Love Triangles” (season 2, episode 3)
I am ashamed (not ashamed) to admit when I saw this song for the first time I thought it was a Smash parody instead of a Marilyn Monroe thing. Anyway, production value is high, men are great, Rachel Bloom does an excellent Marilyn but it’s shallow to the story and we all know Rebecca is smart — it’s a low dig.
58. “Scary Scary Sexy Lady” (season 3, episode 4)
Why would you have a Rory O’Malley cameo and not let him sing!!!!!!!!!! Probably would appreciate better if I’ve seen Swimfan.
57. “So Maternal” (season 2, episode 8)
Being a Mom is like never, ever, ever part of the show. I get why this song was an easy fit and it’s funny because none of the women in the show are maternal (Well Paula but only towards Rebecca but that’s a whole ‘nother problem.)
56. “Maybe This Dream” (season 2, episode 2)
Donna Lynne Champlin deserves to be a Disney Princess! But, like, a regal one and not one singing about period dumps.
55. “The Buzzing From the Bathroom” (season 3, episode 2)
I love that this song exists and was on a network television station and that a minor character sang it but in the context of CXGF, maybe it’s better off as a viral video.
54. “We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now” (season 2, episode 1)
The second song Allie and I agree on #54! How do they sing that whole title? It’s a tongue twister. A short slow jam about not having sex but also having sex? I’m indifferent.
53. “Sex With a Stranger” (season 1, episode 4)
These Britney vibes at the beginning of the song are so magical. One night stands are scary, I guess. It makes sense but sex songs about Josh and Greg and Nathaniel are far superior.
52. “Group Hang” (season 1, episode 12)
The conga line is funny and I love dumb men.
51. “The Villain in My Own Story” (season 1, episode 14)
I love when Rebecca becomes self aware! Even if it doesn’t last too long but this is where I think it really starts for her. She’s looking at herself in the mirror as a wicked ugly witch. Do they need to make it any more obvious!
50. “Let’s Have Intercourse” (season 2, episode 11)
Is this whole song not super sexy, in a kind of disgusting way? I wish it was sexier and less disgusting. Lots of comments on her weight which I get because he’s hot and fit and a bad guy but also unnecessary. The dancing though is stellar. Congrats!
49. “Maybe She’s Not Such a Heinous Bitch After All” (season 3, episode 5)
The Lady Bird before Lady Bird.
48. “Cold Showers” (season 1, episode 12)
Another great group number! Music Man! And…an I Am Legend reference! So incredible. Also everything is the gateway drug to crack! Remember, folks!
47. “We’ll Never Have Problems Again” (season 2, episode 10)
I don’t want to be that guy but I am thankful to see Vincent Rodriguez III in bell bottoms and tight clothes. Wedding planning is fun I guess? But what’s more fun is never having problems and dancing about it with everyone like you’re on Soul Train. Fade out. fade out. f a d e o u t.
46. “Feeling Kinda Naughty” (season 1, episode 2)
Peak. Rebecca. Bunch. It’s so scary and weird and naughty but so Rebecca Bunch season one….and two….and low key three.
45. “Friendtopia” (season 2, episode 6)
I love this Spice Girls song but “friendtopia” isn’t as good as I think it could be. I don’t want to say it but Gabrielle Ruiz had the worst accent.
44. “His Status Is Preferred” (season 1, episode 7)
Paula can get it! This jazz number is fabulous and Paula deserves everything she wants.
43. “After Everything You Made Me Do (That You Didn’t Ask For)” (season 3, episode 2)
The entire show has lead up to this moment and it does not disappoint. I agree with Allie, the main reason it’s not higher is that you can’t help but compare it to Paula’s original which is much higher on the list.
42. “Stuck in the Bathroom” (season 2, episode 6)
R. Kelly might be scum but Trapped in A Closet is near and dear to my heart. I’m so glad Heather was the one to do this parody. I’m 100% positive that they wrote the ceiling falling for the purpose of this song.
41. “I’m a Good Person” (season 1, episode 5)
This song is so filthy and absolutely worth the explicit version. I’m always a fan of breaking the fourth wall in the songs which doesn’t always happen on the show.
40. “I Go to the Zoo” (season 3, episode 3)
I have a massive crush on Scott Michael Foster so if someone can introduce us I will forever indebted to you. And I want to go to the zoo with him. And I want to drive around with him. And I want to hug him. And I want to share in his love of cheetahs. He can buy my calamari.
39. “Greg’s Drinking Song” (season 2, episode 2)
As you may or may not know I was a Santino Fontana fan first. I heard he was going to be in a television show and that’s how I watched the premiere of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend three years ago. Santino’s least impressive song but it’s still so good because it’s Santino. I hope Greg is doing okay.
38. “Who’s the New Guy?” (season 2, episode 9)
This song reminds me of the opening to Galavant Season 2. All of the lyrics reflect the viewers thoughts and it’s so cute and it’s a group number my weakness. And minor characters at that.
37. “Man Nap” (season 2, episode 12)
Another hair metal song. I like this one much more because hearing Pete Gardner say “sleepy sleep cuddle time” makes me cackle every time. It’s so ridiculous! I love how strong men are!
36. “Flooded With Justice” (season 1, episode 13)
Chills with this ode to Les Mis. I swear I almost shed a tear until I watch WiJo and then I just cry from laughter.
35. “Rebecca’s Reprise” (season 2, episode 13)
Allie marks this song lower because she said it’s a melody of too many others. But it’s a beautiful ending for the season and a prototypical ending to musicals that it’s just so classically perfect. You have to respect it.
34. “Women Gotta Stick Together” (season 1, episode 9)
One of the most quoted songs for me personally. I often say and think “females helping females”. This song is lyrically so hilarious. It really flawlessly plays into feminism and empowerment in a sadly realistic way sometimes.
33. “Where’s Rebecca Bunch?” (season 3, episode 1)
Maybe it’s the joy of the first song of the season or the group number or the medieval throwback but first season songs get my insides all tingly. Not to mention Galavant again but, this feels very Galavant to me. Plus I love rewinding Scott Michael Foster saying “ripped filipino” over and over.
32. “Strip Away My Conscience” (season 3, episode 2)
This is a Chicago themed number, maybe, right? Actually so sensual and gets you hot. Rebecca looks incredible and the whole number is incredibly hot. Sign me up.
31. “You’re My Best Friend (And I Know I’m Not Yours)” (season 2, episode 11)
Darryl deserves the best and nothing but the best please. Also was this taken out of the Muppet movie? No, wait, Darryl is just a Muppet.
30. “A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes” (season 1, episode 3)
Vincent. Is. The. Best. Dancer. I’ve. Ever. Seen. I don’t even need a boy band, four Joshes is my kink.
29. “Having a Few People Over” (season 1, episode 10)
I remember reading somewhere that this song was made with the intent of it becoming some kind of viral video.
28. “(Tell Me I’m Okay) Patrick” (season 2, episode 12)
Rachel’s singing is top notch and Seth Green’s silent comedy is gold. The proper use of guest star and the proper use of the show making me cry with another semi-Rebecca break through.
27. “Where’s the Bathroom?” (season 1, episode 8)
Tovah Feldshuh did that! Best real introduction to a recurring character.
26. “I’ve Got My Head in the Clouds” (season 3, episode 2)
Modern day Gene Kelly? Yes. I could watch Vincent Rodriguez III dance all day. Being religious myself, I really super loved the Jesus puns and stupid one-liners. Also knowing people that definitely have their head in the clouds sitting next to you in the pew is #relatable.
25. “The Sexy Getting Ready Song” (season 1, episode 1)
This season one episode one song really holds up. When the rap starts I lose it every time. Rachel Bloom in her songwriting and performing element. This is what she’s known for.
24. “Love Kernels” (season 2, episode 1)
Yay! Another season opener! This entire video is so beautifully elaborate. I’ve never seen Lemonade though.
23. “I’m Just a Girl in Love” (season 2 theme)
The season 2 theme is the catchiest of the seasons. It’s quick, punchy, and I wish it could be the every season theme but it’s ranked second best because I mean come on. First season magic.
22. “The First Penis I Saw” (season 3, episode 7)
People are pretty divided on this Paula-centric episode but no one is divided on how great this song is.
21. “Remember That We Suffered” (season 2, episode 10)
Patti LuPone was definitely my favorite cameo in the entire series. Everyone loves a good song about Jewish guilt. I do agree with Allie though, I wish it was longer.
20. “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” (season 1 theme)
The cartoons! The first theme! The promise and hope for Rebecca’s future! Before we cried and were jaded and disappointed in our friend. So much excitement for the future of the show.
19. “I Have Friends” (season 1, episode 3)
Who doesn’t sing this song to themselves on a Friday night when you go to bed at 9pm because you have nothing else to do? Little Rebecca is such a joy as well.
18. “What’ll It Be?” (season 1, episode 6)
This song is actually so relatable as I sit in my childhood bedroom, living with my parents, writing this whole rebuttal to Allie’s article.
17. “Oh My God I Think I Like You” (season 1, episode 17)
Another gross but charming song. I really can’t figure out how the CXGF writers always seem to flawlessly pull this off.
16. “Santa Ana Winds” (season 2, episode 11)
Michael Eric Roy is so suave, so dangerous, and kind of a matchmaker all at once. I’ve never heard of the Santa Ana Winds but now I definitely have. And this song gets stuck in my head for years so thanks. I also love how this song is the spine of the episode. “You just got Santa Ana Winded.”
Perfectly into the next song as Santa Ana Winds ends on “you stupid bitch” it’s natural for number 15 to be…
15. “You Stupid Bitch” (season 1, episode 11)
This was Allie’s number one song from CXGF. It is incredible. At the end of season one we get You Stupid Bitch and think Rebecca’s character development is really going to take a huge turn. She grapples with her mental illness and self realization for the Rebecca she portrays to people. This song hurts. It hurts so bad.
14. “A Diagnosis” (season 3, episode 6)
The song hasn’t even started and I started crying. Season 3 has not been good for my tear ducts. After one of the scariest and traumatizing episodes in comedy the writers did the impossible and gave us hope but also Rebecca.
13. “Heavy Boobs” (season 1, episode 16)
As someone with heavy boobs I want to personally thank Rachel Bloom and co. for this song. I can’t imagine doing that song….braless…….ouch
12. “The End of the Movie” (season 3, episode 4)
What happens when you hit rock bottom and finally realize it? Life doesn’t make narrative sense. Sometimes you have to look from the outside in to realize that a) this isn’t a movie or b) it’s the end of the movie.
11. “West Covina” (season 1, episode 1)
The first season opener! Bring back the cartoons, what do we think? The first song of the series is so iconic and it sets the tone for the entire show but at the same time is not reflective of the show. Does that make sense?
10. “JAP Battle” (season 1, episode 13)
Nothing can touch this song lyrically. It’s the best written song in the entire show. Thank you. Goodnight.
9. “We Tapped That Ass” (season 2, episode 4)
Every choice Rebecca makes comes back to haunt her and here it is in song version with two exes. Showcasing Rodriguez’s dancing again and another disgustingly charming song you can’t help but smile and tap along to Rebecca’s self loathing once again.
8. “It Was a Shit Show” (season 2, episode 4)
Can’t type I’m crying too hard. Our favorite toxic couple is over.
7. “I Give Good Parent” (season 1, episode 6)
I’ve listened to the explicit version so many times I don’t even know what you’re missing out on. A phenomenal song about kicking ass at making adults love you. Manipulation at it’s purest form.
6.“Gettin’ Bi” (season 1, episode 14)
The greatest coming out song I’ve ever seen. And a middle aged bisexual man coming out? Even better! A new awakening for a main character. There will be no bi invisibility on CXGF that’s for sure. This upbeat catchy tune will make your heart swell two extra sizes in excitement and happiness for Darryl!
5. “Let’s Generalize About Men” (season 3, episode 1)
I ghost wrote this song. Have the writers been reading my tweets? This song holds all men accountable while also being extremely judgemental towards all men. My aesthetic. It’s also exactly the same thing that men do to women! What a concept! Keep this jam on repeat.
4. “Settle for Me” (season 1, episode 4)
Greg baby, love yourself! But also thank you for this black and white dance number.
3. “I Gave You a UTI” (season 1, episode 17)
CXGF has a knack for talking about normal things that no one else acknowledges. Period sex, heavy boobs, UTIs! What else could we even need! Santino Fontana is the most charming man to exist on the planet so we’ll give him a pass on congratulating himself for all the “awesome sex” and causing her so much pain because yeah that’s totally how it works.
2. “After Everything I’ve Done for You (That You Didn’t Ask For)” (season 1, episode 17)
Wow. Donna Lynne Champlin is incredible. Her voice is so unreal. But also so is Paula. Just when you think Rebecca is the most ridiculous character Paula lets it all out on how she has manipulated, blackmailed, thought, and invested in Rebecca’s relationship with Josh. Her sick sense of motherly ties to Rebecca is a bit concerning for sure but Paula is a wild force to be reckoned with. I am so glad that this song not only exists but Champlin was able to not only sing it but perform.
- “I Could If I Wanted To” (season 1, episode 16)
This might seem unconventional as my favorite CXGF song but from the one tracking shot, to the hysterical jaded interactions and Santino still being effortlessly charming through it all. It has everything I want: a plot, choreography, anger, humor, sadness, sexapealinopoly, I’m just making up words. The song I quote the most. The song I’ve listened to the most. The relevance this strikes within a teeenager’s heart (or a 23 year old’s,) this song has it all.
And the best part of any CXGF: Whoop-dee-frickin’-doo // a happy dad // with his big dad calves and his stupid baseball cap // and his T-ball shirt and dumbass son // throwin’ a ball // like it’s so important to know how to throw a ball // Whoop-dee-frickin’-doo! // Who cares about throwin’ a ball or havin’ a kid? //
Basically Allie and I couldn’t be more different in our opinions but thank you for walking through each of our journeys.
