6 ways to communicate effectively with your borderline loved ones
I’ve been having trouble communicating my needs lately. I was searching for an online guide I could send people to, but I wasn’t satisfied with anything I found. Too often the guides were vague, carried harmful stereotypes, or were simply poorly written.
So I decided to make a guide of my own!
Although I’ve done quite a lot of research on borderline personality disorder (BPD), my knowledge is of course biased towards my experience living with it. So this list is tailored to that bias.
However, I hope that the tips will be useful to many people with BPD or people who’s loved ones have BPD. But remember, what works well for one person may not work well for another, so it’s always best to talk to your loved ones and ask what they need.
While I will use words like “we” or “people with BPD” instead of “I,” this is primarily a protective mechanism. If I wrote a whole article in “I” statements, I would be making myself very vulnerable and subject to rejection, aka my worst nightmare. I certainly don’t have any authority to speak to the experiences of everyone (or even a single other person) living with BPD, but there are some common themes I’ll discuss that a lot of folks can probably relate to.
And with that, here are 6 ways to communicate (more) effectively with your loved ones who have BPD!
1. Tell us you care about us
You would be amazed by how much this simple, and you might think obvious, message can do for someone with BPD.
Many of us have a hard time believing that people care about us when we haven’t seen or talked to them in a while. We tend to think that if we don’t hear from people, that means they don’t care. Or if we hear from them when they have a favour to ask, they’re only talking to us because they want something, and they don’t care about us at all.
Here’s how you can help us remember that you care. Set a reminder on your phone at a regular interval, say once a week — shorter or longer depending on the parameters of your relationship. When the reminder goes off, send us message to say that you care (calling or tweeting or snapchat-ing or whatever works too).
“Just messaging you to tell you that I care about you.”
“I wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you.”
“I really love having you in my life and wanted to make sure you know that.”
It’s that simple.
2. Ask us how we’re doing
Many folks with BPD internalize a lot of fear and shame about ourselves.
Because we fear rejection so strongly, it can be really difficult to risk being vulnerable. So it’s often easier to keep things inside. No risk = no possibility of rejection. And, no risk = incredibly lonely + reinforcing our fear and shame.
Asking us how we’re doing is another really easy strategy to remind us that we matter and our feelings matter. If you know we are feeling down, if you see us post something sad on Facebook, if you notice we’re very quiet, and also if none of those things — ask us how we’re doing.
“Hey, how are you doing?”
“How are things going?”
“I saw that you posted on Facebook about feeling out of place, and I wanted to check in.”
Again. So. Simple. And its effects are so powerful.
*Hint: if you like the reminder thing, why not have alternating reminders, so one week you tell us you care about us, and the next you ask how we’re doing!
3. When delivering difficult information, cushion it with support and empathy
I’m sure you’ve used a compliment sandwich at least once in your life. Why not use it with your loved ones who have BPD?
When you’re telling us something that you know will be difficult to hear, spend some time thinking of how you could curb our fears so we are better equipped to take in the information. This is where something called SET Communication Skills comes in (check out the link for details).
Before telling us the hard truth, remind us that you care about us and acknowledge that we have real and valid feelings. You might say something like:
“I care about you a lot, and I want to support you on your journey. I hear that you are feeling upset and overwhelmed, and I understand that you might feel angry with me right now.”
Once you’ve set up the cushion, you can dive into the truth.
“I need to tell you that I am having trouble supporting you when you are in a crisis and I need some things to change. Can we brainstorm some new ideas for what to do when you are in crisis?”
Difficult truths are always hard to hear. But with a little reassurance that you care about us and see our feelings as valid, there is a lot more room for us to hear the truth, without jumping to conclusions like:
“Everyone hates me.”
“I’m a terrible person.”
“No one will ever love me.”
Simple as a grilled cheese sandwich.
4. Use non-judgmental words to describe our behaviours
If you’ve ever read anything about BPD, you’ve probably heard of people who are “abusive, manipulative or crazy,” and actions that are “bad, wrong or inappropriate.”
People with BPD can absolutely be abusive, just as people without it can be. And, many many people with BPD are not abusive, although our behaviours might still be unskillful, unkind or ineffective.
Of course, if you are in an abusive situation, do whatever you need to do to stay safe and get out of the situation.
In situations that are difficult but not abusive, language can make a big difference in how folks with BPD think about ourselves and react to your feedback.
Marsha Linehan, who developed dialectical behaviour thereapy (DBT), one of the most common treatments for people with BPD, uses very intentional language in her manuals. Instead of characterizing a person or their actions with judgmental words like the examples above, she uses words like “effective, skillful and wise” (or reversley, “ineffective, unskillful and un-wise”).
These words are very helpful because they separate the person from the behaviour, and they are all qualities that can be changed. If someone is acting unskillfully, it is effective to say something like:
“Hey, I see that you’re feeling upset. And while I understand why you are upset, the way you are acting right now is very ineffective, and will not get you the results that you want. Can you take a few minutes to think about how you could be more skillful?”
What a DIFFERENCE that is to:
“It’s not ok for you to react this way!”
“You’re being so dramatic, I can’t deal with you when you’re like this.”
“Why are you overreacting? You’re always so sensitive.”
5. Be sensitive to our triggers, especially around rejection and abandonment
Everyone has different triggers, and the only way to learn them is to ask and observe. But two really common triggers for folks with BPD are rejection and abandonment.
Here are some situations you might not have thought of when your loved ones with BPD often feel rejected or abandoned:
- You turn down an invitation to hang out
- You are going out with friends and didn’t invite us to come along
- You have a new friend or romantic interest in your life and don’t have as much time to spend with us
- You cancel our plans
- You say no to a favour
- You tell us you need some space, particularly if you don’t explain why — *if you can explain why, using the grilled cheese sandwich method, that would be really helpful too*
- You forget to reply to a message, or take a long time to respond
I am by no means suggesting that you should avoid doing these things to make us feel better. In fact, please don’t do that — that would only reinforce our belief that you only care about us if you do what we want.
What I am saying is that each of these situations presents an opportunity for you to think about how your loved ones might feel triggered, and spend a few minutes reassuring us that we are not being rejected or abandoned.
You might say something like:
“I know we had plans to make dinner together on Friday, and I’m sorry but I have to cancel. I am way behind on my paper and I need to spend the night working. Please remember that I care about you and really enjoy spending time with you.”
Easy as a peanut butter sandwich.
— Time out —
At this point, you might think these steps are starting to sound like a lot of work. You’re wondering if this is really necessary, and thinking that relationships shouldn’t require so much effort.
Consider this.
Everything about me is unacceptable in our society. Through years of behavioural therapy, trauma work, skills groups, psychiatrist offices, crisis phone lines and hospital beds, I have had to unlearn myself. I have practised riding my emotions, breathing through my thoughts, and holding back my impulses. I have also paid thousands of dollars out of pocket so I could get effective treatment. And instead of society adapting to meet my need for love and validation, I am expected to adapt my behaviours to meet theirs.
So if you think I’m asking a lot of you, well I’m not sure why you haven’t closed this window already.
Now that that’s settled…
6. Validate, validate, validate
If you take nothing else from this random-stringing-together-of-what-I-hope-are-helpful words, please remember this.
Humans need validation. Humans with BPD especially need validation because we have experienced a lot of invalidation in our lives.
Validation does not mean that you have to agree with us. And validating someone is not the same as agreeing with them. Let’s look at an example.
“I’m so upset that my friend hasn’t texted me back. If they don’t text me in five minutes then that means they hate me for sure!”
“Your friend doesn’t hate you, I’m sure they’re just busy.”
Errr — that is not validating. You did not acknowledge our valid (even if untrue) beliefs. Instead, you might say something like:
“I hear that you’re really upset and you believe that your friend must hate you. That must feel really painful. Would it help to brainstorm some other possible explanations for why your friend hasn’t responded to your message?”
Ta-da!!! Validation.
(This one can be tricky to figure out — I recommend watching this clip from Inside Out for some additional learning.)
Well there you have it.
I hope these steps are helpful. If you’re looking for more information about BPD and how to support a loved one while also supporting yourself… I wish I could direct you to some good resources. BPD resources are notoriously shitty, especially for the “families of.”
See if you can find things written or presented by people who have BPD. Read Sam Dylan Finch. Borrow my copy of The Buddha and the Borderline. Check out A Mad Pride Perspective on BPD. See if there’s a BPD expert in your area who offers education for family and friends. And of course, talk to your loved ones!
