The Musings Of Sheldon D Turtle, Part Seventeen; Peacocks Are Dicks And I Hate Them
Another day, another country. This one was called Pole-and, and it was a little different to the countries we’d just come from. There was less sun for one. Thank god. But also it just seemed a little different; less amazing scenery, more concrete and dirt. Everything was a little more run down, like the Great Barrier Reef with it’s coral bleaching. Perhaps they also have issues with silt flowing in from rivers because humans suck? Or perhaps climate change somehow affects cities in ways that I’m not aware. I don’t know; I’m not a ecologist. Anyway, the point is that it was a little dirtier than I was used to, and I didn’t like it. At the least the rooms we stayed in were nice; beds in Pole-and are exactly the same as in the rest of Europe, so I guess I should stop complaining, as literally 98% of my trip is bed related.
After a bit of travelling we arrived at a place called Warsaw, and I decided it was time for an excursion. Alex and Benny were going to a big park in the city, with a palace on a lake, so I decided to tag along. And by tag, I of course mean get carried around everywhere, because fuck walking. Seriously, I’m a turtle; I don’t walk unless I absolutely 100% have to. The first stop was to a prison in which humans killed and tortured other humans. Boring. Seriously when will humans stop thinking of themselves as anything other than animals, with the same instincts as the rest of us? The strong dominate the weak, and the world moves on. I admire some humans for trying to be better than that, but until everyone gets on board why not just at least acknowledge what you are? You’re animals, the lot of you. Just be glad you’re not a fungus and move on. After the prison we came to a large lake with a weird statue, but the lake was green so it got a tick from me.
After that we arrived at the palace, which turned out to be quite small, but I was allowed inside so that didn’t bother me. It was rather pretty in there actually; not enough green for my taste though. Everything was covered in white, which to me is one of the most useless ‘colours’ in the universe. Maybe it’s because I’m from the ocean, where in most places being white is like drawing a massive sign on your back saying ‘Eat me’. Regardless, I had fun wandering around with Alex and the nonce, and I would highly recommend it as a place to visit.
We had a nice walk around, but when Alex and Benny decided to go to their next stop; which was a museum dedicated to some sort of musician called Show-pan, I decided to stay in the gardens. After all, no human musician can ever compare to the sweet sultry sounds of a whale. Their songs are beautiful and elegant, and always bring a tear to my eye. I know you’re waiting for a weird punchline, or a story about whale songs, but there isn’t one. I just enjoy whales singing okay? Stop hassling me about it. Anyway, Alex and the dunce machine went off, and I had a nice break underneath a tree, by the water, right near the castle. It was great. I also found some flowers, and didn’t eat them! Look at me being a responsible turtle!
I went for a little wander after that, and that’s when things got a bit squirrelly. I have this issue you see. I hate it when people talk down to me, or act rudely towards me. It just sets something off inside my brain. Once I was swimming through the ocean, minding my own business, when a squall hit, and I took shelter in a small cave along with a few fish and one very uptight octopus. There I was, minding my own business, when I heard a soft, squishing voice from behind me, talking to one of the fish. “My god, could he push that thing any more into my face? It’s like he has no sense of awareness, right?” I turned around, and saw the octopus trying to talk to one of the fish, who just looked very uncomfortable. Fish can be socially awkward at times you know. It goes with the whole “I can’t do anything but scream’ thing that they have going on.
So I faced this octopus, asking him what his deal is, and he just stared at me with a face filled with contempt. “I’d just like to be able to float here without a giant shell in my face.” He stopped, smirking at me. “If that’s okay with you.” His voice dripped with sarcasm, and rage suddenly filled me. With great effort I tried to keep it in under control though, and apologised, telling him that I’d be moving as soon as the storm passed. His reply? Not to thank me, or try to smooth things over. No, this prick of an octopus just shook his head, looking over at the fish, who looked even more uncomfortable as the confrontation unfolded. “Turtles, am I right? They’ve got more shell than brains!” I’ll admit that I lost it in that moment; something I’m not too proud of. I thrust my body backwards, seeking to pin that smug octopus against the wall, but I hadn’t taken into effect two things; firstly, that I was really pissed off, so I hit him with more force than I intended, and secondly, that octopus’s had no bones. So getting squashed between a rock and a hard shell was not conducive to living for this octopus, who died instantly. I felt sorry for a moment, but then I remembered what a prick he’d been, and I was able to push the guilt away. The fish didn’t care either; they’d gotten hungry in the cave, so they were just happy for some free food.
Now, I tell this story to explain what happened next. Going for a walk around the palace, I saw a bird coming towards me; a peacock.
Some children were playing with it, but when I went to say hi to the creature and introduce myself it blew me off! Such arrogance! It went away from us all, and I followed it onto some grass, determined to teach this bird some manners. As I shouted out to it, trying to get it to show a turtle some decency, it’s tail feathers reared up and it started parading in front of me, mocking me with it’s colour and beauty!
There’s only so much attitude a turtle like me can take, and I flew into a rage, slapping at that bird with all the force I could muster, my flippers flailing back and forth. Unfortunately I’d forgotten to take into account the fact that I am now currently stuck inside the body of a plush toy, so instead of hurting this contemptible creature, instead I merely irritated it. It responded to my slaps by pecking at my head with it’s sharp beak, and I was forced to make a hasty retreat, made possible because a child wandered over and started chasing the stupid bird. Seriously, I never thought I’d be so glad to see a human child in my life. Remember when I said turtles don’t walk unless they have to? Well, this time I had to. I got away from that palace and it’s murderous peacocks as fast as I could. In my panic I forgot where we were staying, but eventually I saw a sign for a museum as I was passing by.
It was the museum that Alex and Benny had gone to! I waited outside, and before long they both emerged, Alex smothering me in hugs and kisses when she found out what happened.
So that’s my tale of Pole-and. It has beautiful parks and palaces, and dickish birds. Be warned. And if you see a peacock while you’re there, can you please tell it to get fucked for me? Thanks.