How to Change Your Sexual Routine
Sex is more than just penetration
Sex is such a difficult topic to talk about. Very few of us have had a good role model for discussing this topic. Most people in the United States do not receive comprehensive and pleasure-inclusive sexual education. Many may never hear about sex with a parent or guardian other than negative or vague comments, like “don’t get pregnant”or “wait until marriage.”
Since no one taught us how to tackle the taboo topic of sex in conversation, we tend to avoid talking about it at all. Many people take action without any discussion at all. It’s almost as if talking about sex is even more taboo than having sex. Unfortunately, this lack of conversation often leads to unsatisfying, mundane and eventually boring sex.
What is sex?
In her book, “Why good sex matters,” Dr. Nan Wise shares some interesting feedback from students when defining sex. It is difficult to nail down a good definition. She narrowed in on something important when asking her students if they would consider something a sexual act if they walked in on their partner doing said things with another person. Meaning, would you consider it sex (and cheating) if your partner is kissing someone else? Touching? Where? Flirting? It all gets pretty murky fast when we think of it in these terms. Yet, when in a partnership, we too often define sex fairly narrowly…penetrative, intercourse.
Sex is more than intercourse
Dan Savage often repeats this brilliant concept in this way:
Broaden your definition of sex and you’ll be having a lot more of it.
Intercourse or penetration may no longer be the best go-to form of intimacy for your relationship. You may need to make penetrative sex a less frequent occurrence (or expectation). Or, you may just be stuck in the rut of your routine and want to remove penetrative sex to switch it up.
Set aside some time to explore and investigate other sexual activities, as well as pleasurable acts in general. What turns you on? What do you find pleasurable outside sex or intimacy? Talk about all of these types of interests with your partner.
Make sex a priority
Most people don’t put enough energy or effort into talking about sex with their partner. Talk about your likes and dislikes. Discuss what you’re already doing that is a keeper and share things you’d like to change up a bit. Just reading these words might be enough to give you a panic attack.
It’s going to take some effort on your part to explore new ways to share sexual interests and struggles with a partner. It will be a bit of trial and error and you will help each other. Again, most of us are in the same boat, so work toward improving your communication about sex together. There are some tried and true tips though…here you go.
Listen to podcasts/TV shows
Listening to sex-related topics and talks gives us the language in our ears and over time it feels less threatening. It takes the taboo and shame away.
Personally, I love listening to the weekly podcast, Savage Lovecast. Listening to Dan Savage, all his guests and callers really helps de-sensitize me to the sexual language and related taboos of this society (and religious upbringing). It also teaches me and keeps me informed.
Another suggestion is to watch “The Principles of Pleasure” on Netflix. I consider this the sex education we all should have received in high school. It includes the female anatomy and a history of how and why this is so lacking overall. It also includes pleasure. What a concept!?!
As Emily Nagoski, PhD so famously says with rhyme so it’s easier to remember:
Pleasure is the measure.
You may also want to search for anything you can get your hands on from Emily Nagoski, PhD — read it, watch it, listen to it. It is all great stuff.
For more about pleasure, please check out my previous article.
Appetizers, main course, dessert(s)
It might help to think of the activities of sexy time as meal courses. You might divide things up into their separate courses, or choose to include a few (or a bunch of) appetizers in one session of sexy time (Tapas anyone?). You might want to remove the main course, so to speak, and just have a dessert sampler on the menu. Here are some more questions to consider:
What kinds of things have you thought about, but never tried?
What sexual positions do you like, love, or could do without?
Is there anywhere else you already enjoy and would like more frequent or for longer periods of time?
Are there parts of your current sexy time that you partake in before or after intercourse that you like a lot?
Have you every wanted to introduce a toy/vibrator into partnered sex, but haven’t?
Do you want to try out a new sex toy, period?
Mindful touch and affection
Make an effort to touch, kiss, embrace, cuddle and be affectionate with one another. Affection helps make couples feel much closer on an everyday basis. This may actually feel more intimate at times than sex does.
Studies show that couples who keep the affectionate rituals of “hello/goodbye,” as well as time together involving shared interests with affection have more fulfilling sex lives. Keep the affection alive as a cornerstone of your relationship.
Spend some time simply mindfully touching one another, and commenting about what feels good. “Mindfully” means being in the moment with the touch sensations — doing your best to gently bring yourself back to the moment when you think about other things as much as possible — without judging yourself or your partner. Share how different types of touch and touching different areas of your body feel to you when receiving.
Note: Focus your attention on “receiving,” even when you’re the “giver”…remember you’re receiving something too when you’re giving someone else pleasure and joy.
Start with appreciation
Have I mentioned that talking about sex is hard? Geez!
When beginning this process, it’s important to be kind and gentle with yourself and your partner. Start off by sharing what you like about the things you’re already doing together sexually. Share some appreciation with your partner for what is going well or went well in the past.
When you have some suggestions for making changes, know that it’s difficult to hear criticism — especially sexual criticisms — for everyone.
Don’t give too much criticism all at the same time. Maybe pick one thing that you’d like to discuss per conversation.
Be specific. Don’t offer a criticism of your partner without a possible solution or offering of what you specifically want to try or aim for instead.
Sandwich method
You might also consider using the sandwich method of communication. This is when you wrap your feedback in praise and appreciation. You will start with offering one appreciation, such as “I really enjoy having intimate time with you” (Bread). Then you will bring up your criticism or feedback (the peanut butter/jelly). Lastly, you’ll close with more appreciation or praise, such as “I am so glad we’re able to talk about this in a calm manner. Thank you for hearing me out” (Bread).
Pay attention
Back to the top, the most important step in improving intimacy is to make it a priority. As several inspirational speakers have said, “where your attention goes, energy flows.”
It is so easy to take your partner for granted. Over time, you lose that intimate connection. Talk to your partner. Help each other prioritize ‘paying attention’ to your intimate life in order to remain a strong, connected team.
Go forth and explore changing up your sexual routine…
Kimberly Atwood is a psychotherapist and sex therapist specializing in sexual wellness and intimacy in private practice in Princeton, NJ. She is offering a 5-week online Women’s Sexual Wellness group starting in July 2022. This group is a supportive and educational group for women who want to take charge of their sexual energy, build confidence, increase mindfulness, and explore pleasure.
