KITCHEN PROTEST!
Donald Trump’s White House Chef Quit After Just One Month!
These fictional claims are all at least halfway true, so laugh at the wannabe dictator!
Executive White House Chef Abe Pleisher just quit his job after only one month on the job, and gave an in-depth interview to The Halfway Post about the “truly absurd” things he witnessed Trump do while on the job:
- Trump orders a meal he calls “The Donald” from McDonald’s, and McDonald’s employees know what it means: two Big Mac sandwiches cooked well-done with five packets of ketchup per sandwich, two Filets-O-Fish with five packets of mayonnaise per sandwich, and an M&M McFlurry with all the brown M&Ms removed.
- Trump forbids his chefs to ever serve him any form of sausage because of how often he hears people compare the shape, size, and appearance of his fingers to tiny, chubby breakfast sausage links.
- Trump forbids his chefs to bring him any foods that are green in color, and has threatened repeatedly to tariff all imported vegetables.
- When Stephen Miller dines with Trump, he meticulously takes off all the skin of his fried chicken with a knife and fork in as big of pieces as possible, and takes it home with him in bags for unspecified reasons.
- Trump likes to go into the kitchen before dinners and spit in his guests’ food, particularly the food of GOP members of Congress, and he makes all staff sign non-disclosure agreements about it when they first get hired.
- When world leaders dine with Trump, he reaches across the table and eats off their plates, which he calls a “power move” to assert dominance. Most foreign leaders don’t know how to react and just watch astounded as he does it, but the Prime Minister of Denmark, after a meeting in which she told him he would never lay even one of his sausage fingers on Greenland, stabbed his hand when he tried to take a piece of chicken from her plate.
- To look strong and tough in front of other people, Trump likes to send back the dishes brought to him with some complaint about it not being prepared right, and the servers know to just wait in the kitchen for two minutes before bringing back the same plate.
- On Saturday mornings after weeks when Trump believes the media has been extra nasty and unfair to him, he requests eight pancakes arranged in two stacks with strawberries cut into circles placed in the middle of each stack so they looked like boobs. Then he doesn’t eat them, but just sticks his face into them and makes motor-boating sounds for an hour.
- The chefs have learned to always double everything Trump orders because of how often he hears bad news about his criminal investigations, indictments, and civil lawsuits, and then throws his plates against the wall in a fury smearing ketchup everywhere.
- Trump loves eating mini-cupcakes, baby carrots, and burger sliders because his hands look bigger holding them.
- Trump tells his waiters every single meal, “Don’t worry, I’m going to treat you right on the tip,” and then stiffs them.
- Trump forbids anyone from praying before meals or blessing the food, and, even when someone tries to pray, Trump will just start eating his fried chicken while moaning to himself, and then interrupt the prayer to explain to the table how a lot of people don’t know this but it’s actually healthy to cut out red meat a couple times a week and eat an entire rotisserie chicken instead.
- Trump sneaks into the kitchen and sprinkles ground up weight-loss pills onto the food of any female staffers, diplomats, or world leaders he thinks “would look hotter if they lost 15 pounds.”
- Trump eats pizzas made with ketchup for the sauce and topped with sauerkraut once a week.
- When Republican members of Congress come to Mar-a-Lago asking for his endorsement, he makes them eat lasagna until they throw up on their children’s heads to earn it.
- Trump once told a group of Black Congressional Republicans that he can’t be racist because chocolate ice cream is his favorite flavor.
- Trump invites Don Jr. and Eric to dinners he hosts with his business partners, but makes them sit at a separate “kids’ table.”
- Trump often makes his son Eric try his food first to make sure it’s not poisoned.
- Every time Ivanka walks by while he’s eating, Trump takes out his dentures, grabs the most phallic-shaped food on his plate, and then simulates the teeth giving a blowjob to the phallic-shaped food to try to amuse the people he’s dining with.
- When dining with tech executives, Trump always says the same Michael Scott joke from the TV show The Office while ordering: “I’d like the chicken breast, hold the chicken,” except Trump has never seen The Office, and just says that because he’s a real-life perv.
- Trump literally not even one time has ever dined with Melania.
- Trump changes into stretchy pants before every meal because he says buttons are “rigged against him.”
- Every night Trump eats three servings of the dinner’s dessert, and tells the table, “I’m never like this, I can’t believe how bad I’m being tonight.”
- Trump once was accidentally served a glass with regular Coke in it instead of his customary Diet Coke, and he demanded to be taken to Walter Reed Hospital immediately to get his stomach pumped. 🥃
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