Every Late Night Talk Show Is A Sleazy Plutocratic Rim Job

I feel sorry for comedy writers, man. Most of them come from working class backgrounds and developed a sharp sense of humor in their youth more as a defense mechanism than anything, because they didn’t have much else going for them and nobody expected them to amount to much. Then they figure out that— wonder of wonders — they’re actually funny enough to get paid to crack jokes! To use this skill set that up until then had only ever gotten them into trouble at school and at funerals! They start working their way up through the ranks, making more and more money, only to find out that all the best-paying gigs are in writing jokes for hack comedians who earn millions of dollars trying to make terminal metastatic neoliberalism sound fun.

These are clever people, these comedy writers; you’ve got to have a high level of insight to reliably produce professional quality jokes. I find it very hard to imagine, then, that after watching snivelling puffs of oligarchic fungus like Steve Colbert herding his audience into their allotted propaganda stables, these bright young men and women don’t occasionally go home, take a scalding hot shower, and drink themselves into a self-loathing coma.

The news broke of former FBI Director James Comey’s firing shortly before Colbert was scheduled to appear before his dopey, loyal fans, and what unfolded was an amazingly unfunny mini-documentary about what happens when the propaganda machine doesn’t have enough time to prepare a fully fleshed-out psy-op for its victims. Behold:

Watch this sleazebag stammer and sweat as the audience fails to keep up with the mental hoops he’s trying to get them to leap through. Anyone who would go to see a live corporate media talk show on purpose is a simple creature, and the task of working out whether their shepherd was asking them to prefer FBI Hitler or President Hitler proved too much for their doughy little minds. They got it wrong. After months and months of being told by pundits like Colbert that James Comey should lose his job for allowing Hillary Clinton to suffer the natural consequences of running for president while under multiple FBI investigations, they concluded that maybe it would be a good thing if he lost his job. This sent Colbert falling all over himself in a mad scramble to explain that no, this is not what they want, because Donald Trump was the one doing the firing, and Donald Trump something something Russia whatever.

In the beautiful world that we will create for ourselves once we pry the fingers of the oligarchy from the steering wheel of our planet, video clips of these pernicious talk shows will be used to help explain to future generations how we all got so lost and crazy before the Great Awakening. In much the same way that soldiers are often plied with drugs and sex slaves during a war to keep them psychologically functional through the horrors they are being made to inflict upon their fellow humans, these corporate comedians are sent blaring through screens every day to help liberals cope with the cognitive dissonance of living in a country that exploits and oppresses them while pouring limitless resources into endless, senseless wars overseas.

Concerned that Trump is continuing and expanding all of Obama’s most evil policies, which were just a continuation and expansion of Bush’s most evil policies? Don’t think about that; let’s make fun of his hair. Frustrated at how no matter who you vote for, the same oppressive neoliberal economic policies keep choking you to death while the same imperialist neocon foreign policies keep extremely expensive hellfire raining down on other people’s children in countries you’ll never visit? Don’t worry about that; Republicans say doofy things. Does it bother you that your nation’s leaders are pushing for escalations with a nuclear superpower while doing essentially nothing about the impending climate disaster? Hurr hurr, dicks and butts and here’s my Trump impression.

But it’s not just about distraction and dissociation; these walking mind viruses actively help normalize evil and stomp down revolution. Take the Daily Show’s Trevor Noah, who went full-blown attack dog on anyone who dared question the morality of a former US president taking a $400,000 check for speaking at a healthcare conference funded by a Wall Street firm. Take Bill Maher, whose supremely punchable face recently used its supremely punchable voice to proclaim that Green Party heroes Jill Stein and Cornel West have “lost their fucking minds” by rightly pointing out the potentially world-ending dangers of a Clinton presidency. Take Samantha Bee, who dedicated an entire segment to attacking the Bernie-or-Bust movement during the DNC convention immediately after Committee leaders had been caught red-handed violating their own charter by stacking the deck in favor of Clinton. Take them all, get them into a hot tub, grab an extension cord and throw a fucking toaster in there.

Laughter is meant to heal; it’s meant to build social cohesion and help us all get along. It’s not meant for getting people to drop their defenses so you can slip pernicious ideas into their minds. It’s not meant to be used as a weapon to keep punching down at third party politicians who got one percent of the vote half a year ago. It’s not meant to be used for bullying and cajoling people who choose integrity over conformity. These horrible people have bought mansions using something good and helpful for malicious and toxic ends. Here’s hoping the world quickly evolves beyond a niche for such vile professions.

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