I was always in an administrator role before I ventured into freelance writing. It was 2008 and I had a mortgage to pay. I had just quit my job after being spoken to like a piece of shit by two managers, and I remember crying myself to sleep wondering if I should be feeling so stressed. I pretty much ran that joint, with most of the people (including managers) having sick days.
The first writing job I managed to get was ‘top secret’ at $10 per article. It wasn’t particularly pleasant stuff to write about, but it paid the bills for six months. I remember at the time thinking that this job wasn’t going to last. I remember telling myself that something would happen, or they would eventually get rid of me.
Anyhow, I proved myself within the first two weeks and the manager started giving me other people’s deadlines to meet, on top of my own. I was working into funny hours, but I wanted to impress.
When that day did come — the company became insolvent and they had to get rid of me, I had told myself that the job wouldn’t last, or that something would happen, and I felt okay with it. It’s not a healthy way to think to always fear the future, but nothing has changed. I expect failure. I still fear what will come, or what may come and it creates terrible anxiety that I have no control of.