The Art of Self Discovery
How did a successful Madison Avenue art dealer find herself on a path to become a priest? When I first met Meredith many years ago, she was passionate about art. She still is, but it turned out an even bigger passion was about to reveal itself.
Meredith: Today I’m at my gallery. We’re prepping for an art fair that’s coming up next week. We’ve got a lot going on with gathering work and putting our exhibition booth together and pulling all the information together and basically prepping for that.
While I’m working in the gallery, I’m also enrolled at the Union Theological Seminary. And I’m in the middle of my spring semester…..I’ve got papers due. I’ve got a lot of reading to do. And I’ve got to prep for the art fair. So there’s a lot of juggling going on.
Hal: Tell us about the Seminary and the type of studying that you’re doing.
Meredith: I’m in the ordination process in the Episcopal Church in the diocese of New York.
Hal: How long is the course of study, and when you finish it you will be where?
Meredith: So the normal course of study is three years. I’m in my second year in the Master of Divinity program…Assuming I graduate in 2020, I will then be on track to be ordained. In the Episcopal Church you are ordained a deacon first and then ultimately you’re ordained a priest.
Hal: How many years did it take you to get here?
Meredith: Well there are two answers to that question. I would say the first answer is I started this discernment process probably about eight or nine years ago when I first started sensing a call to do something more, to go deeper in my faith, which eventually led me to discern a call to the priesthood specifically. But the other answer is, it’s sort of taken my whole life to get to this point. And everything that I’ve done in my life, from my childhood experiences through college and my work experience and everything that makes up a life, has sort of brought me to this point. And it’s all coming into play now as I’m exploring this calling.
Hal: Looking back, what was significant about your childhood?
BRICK ONE: SUNDAY SCHOOL
Meredith: Well, I was one of those probably weird kids who liked going to church. And when I was a teenager I was part of a youth group of my pals from school. And some of us were also members of this church. And it was fun and it was a social thing, but it was also intriguing to me because I was really just fascinated with what is religion and what does it mean to me and do I believe in God and how does it affect my life? And I felt really comfortable in the church that I grew up in and felt at home there. And so it was a positive experience for me as a child and in those teenage years. And that always stayed with me as I grew up. Although I left the church, I left any organized religion for many, many years, the memory of that early childhood experience always stayed with me.
Hal: Why did you walk away from religion?
BRICK TWO: REBELLION
Meredith: I think it was a number of different factors. Part of it was that rebelliousness of a certain age, that I just rebelled against any institutional structures, including organized religion which I just thought was hypocritical. And the more you know, the less it seemed like anyone knew what they’re talking about or is living up to the ideals that they proclaim. And it just seemed like nobody was doing what they said we should do.
And the history of the church is also difficult. There’s not good history of so-called Christian behavior in the world. So all of those things got under my skin and I just left. And I just also got busy with my life and school and then my job and I just went to focusing on my career. And all of that stuff combined that I just thought it wasn’t necessary, it wasn’t for me, it was a lot of BS.
Hal: So you left religion but found art. How did that happen?
BRICK THREE: STUDYING ART HISTORY
Meredith: Well, I had always loved art, and art history specifically. In my early childhood experience, my mother gave me a set of books about artists. And I loved those books. They were geared for eight year olds or 10 year olds. And so when I got to Tufts University I really wanted to focus on art history. So that’s what I did. And it was great. And I still love art history. To me it’s a really accessible way to access our human history in a way that is not about laws and books and kings and emperors. It’s about cultural history and how our culture is reflected in the art that people produce.
Hal: What did you do when you graduated?
BRICK FOUR: LEARNING THE ART GALLERY BUSINESS
Meredith: My first job out of school was at the Hirschl and Adler gallery here in New York. And it was an entry-level position. And I worked as an assistant to an assistant. And I gradually worked my way up there to start to do research and writing for their catalogs that they published. Eventually, I became director of their research department. From there got into sales, which was a surprise for me because I didn’t think I was a salesperson. But I’ve come to discover that it’s not really about selling, it’s about educating people. At least that’s my way of doing it. So I began to understand that I had some ability to introduce people to new things that they didn’t know about and educate them, and then let the art speak for itself.
Hal: It was as if you were opening up their eyes and their minds in a sense.
Meredith: Right, right. And I love doing that.
BRICK FIVE: TAKING A LEAP
I worked at Hirschl and Adler for 15 years, And then I left and worked for a wonderful guy named Richard York, who also had a gallery that specialized in American art just like what I was doing at Hirschl & Adler. And I worked there for seven or eight years. And Richard, unfortunately, died quite prematurely and quite suddenly. And it was really devastating on every level, emotionally, because he was a wonderful man and a great person to work with. But it threw my career also into a state of questioning because I felt like I could’ve worked for Richard for the rest of my life. I was very happy there. But now we were closing his gallery, and so what do I do? And it was at that point that I explored a lot of different options. But I decided that I should try to go out on my own because it was, if not now, never. And if I don’t try it, I won’t ever know what could’ve happened. And I was prepared for it to not work out. But here I am, I think it’s now 15 years later that I’ve been going.
Hal: And your gallery is called Meredith Ward Fine Art. What is it like to keep a Madison Avenue gallery afloat? That sounds like a steep hill to climb.
Meredith: Well it is not easy. Fortunately I had that 20+ years of experience under my belt. And I had some really excellent mentors along the way who I learned from and watched and observed and understood how the business works and what to do and what not to do. I kept my overhead really, really small… because the vagaries of any business are always up and down. But I had built a knowledge base and relationships with clients. And that was what got me through really…If you ask people about their business, a lot of times they’ll say, ‘it’s all about relationships’. And that’s really what it is, building those things over time. It’s hard. It has it’s great joys and great successes and it also has its moments of intense frustration.
BRICK SIX: THE MISSING SPIRIT
Hal: But despite the success of the gallery, you said about 10 years ago you began to feel a spiritual lack in your life.
Meredith: Yes, I was going along and everything was great. The business was great, my personal life was great. But I had always had this sense in my life of wanting some degree of spirituality in my life. And I didn’t know where or how to nurture that or find that. But it was just a sense of yearning or a sense of something was missing. And there was really nothing else that was going to do the trick to fill that. No amount of work or personal success or buying things or hobbies, or whatever you might do to fill up your life, was going to fulfill that. But I didn’t really know where to go to figure that out.
Hal: And this spiritual want, was it something that grew over time to the point where it began to enter your consciousness more strongly every day?
Meredith: Yeah. It had always been there. It didn’t surprise me. It wasn’t like it came out of the blue. But it was just this nagging sense that I couldn’t ignore anymore.
BRICK SEVEN: THE VALUE OF MISTAKES
Hal: How did you learn to trust that voice because a lot of people would like to learn that?
Meredith: By making mistakes, by making an evaluation of a situation based on what I think I should do or what someone else tells me I should do or what seems to be the logical thing to do, and then doing it and it’s just not right. It just doesn’t feel right for me and I sort of always knew that, but I wasn’t trusting that. And I get there and I realize I was right. And it’s not that it was a wrong thing, it’s just that it was the wrong thing for me. And I was listening to other voices instead of my own.
Hal: I think that goes to the heart of what this whole 10 Bricks concept is about. Because decisions can be scary, as we’re trying to make our way through life. What happened next?
BRICK EIGHT: A SMALL COMMITMENT
Meredith: I didn’t want to make any big commitments…. But I had to figure out some way of developing some kind of a practice that was regular and that was consistent. And so the way I decided to do that was simply to go to church on Sunday mornings, every Sunday or pretty much every Sunday. And that seemed pretty doable to me. Also it was noncommittal, although I made a commitment to myself. But I wasn’t involving anybody else. And that’s what I did. And so I would just show up there on Sunday mornings and I would sit in the back. And I wouldn’t talk to anybody. And I would leave immediately after. And that was what I did for a couple of months.
Hal: It sounds experimental at that point.
Meredith: Well, it was really dipping my toe in. Because, going back to those childhood and adolescent and young adult experiences, I had all of that still in my head. I had all of the love and then wanting to be there, but also the suspicion and the cynicism that I had developed along the way. So I was very hopeful and cautious at the same time.
Hal: You told me, about eight years ago on a Good Friday, you felt, “God was calling me to something more than what I was doing, but I didn’t know what it was.”
Meredith: Right.
Hal: Talk about that.
BRICK NINE: THE TURNING POINT — A BIG COMMITMENT
Meredith: I had been doing this church thing for now probably a year or two at that point, and I had gotten myself involved. I started to find that if I could get out of my own way, that actually there was something really important and valuable here for me that I was getting. And I wanted to be a part of that. So I had made some friends, I got involved, I was doing service there, I was doing all sorts of things, and eventually it was this Good Friday service that really just blew it open for me when I realized that not only am I where I’m supposed to be but there’s even more for me to do in this context of the church. And it was a very emotional, very deeply meaningful experience, but I had no idea what it meant except that I had to follow it. But I had no idea what following it meant, where that would take me.
Hal: It sounds like it was a real emotional moment, a breakthrough.
Meredith: I basically allowed something to happen that I hadn’t allowed to happen up to that point, which is basically opening my heart to something outside of my own limited experience and getting out of my own head, the overthinking, the over-critiquing, the hyper-intellectualizing everything that was being said, and just allowing things to flow over me, the words and the music and the prayers and everything in that space to affect me. And it changed me.
BRICK TEN: THE COURAGE OF GOING WITHOUT KNOWING
Hal: That’s beautiful. You said at one point when we talked a couple of weeks ago, “I felt like I was in a fog bank. I sensed there was someone with me but I couldn’t make out who it was. Gradually the figure became clearer and clearer.” Who was that figure in the fog?
Meredith: Well I think it wasn’t so much a specific person as it was a state of being. So if I say that I had this sense of wanting to follow, this sense of call, well, I had no idea what that meant or where that would lead. And that’s that fog bank that I felt like I was in. I was, “All right, there is something here but I have no idea what it is.” And that’s when the real discernment started to happen around what is it that God is calling me to here. What is it? It could be anything. And gradually what emerged for me through a process of really deep and long discernment within myself and with the help of my priest and with the help of my community, it became clear that it was the priesthood specifically. Not missionary work or social justice…For me it was this sense of being called to the priesthood, which means basically it’s a sacramental role, celebrating the Eucharist and working within a parish setting to preach, teach and pastor a congregation.
Hal: When you knew what it was you wanted to do, what happened from there?
BRICK ELEVEN: THE ROAD TO BECOMING A PRIEST
Meredith: It’s not a solitary endeavor. You don’t just say, “Okay, I want to be a priest.”…If your community, meaning your priest and your fellow parishioners, do not see this in you, then you’re not going there. Because it’s not just my determination that I think this is what God is telling me to do. It has to be apparent to other people. And so you go through that stage at the parish level, my home church level. And then you end up at the diocesan level with the Commission on Ministry where they meet with you and interview you and determine if they also see this call on you. And eventually you get to the bishop who himself meets with you and also makes an assessment and discerns with you if this is what God is calling you to. And if all that goes according to plan, then you apply to seminary. And throughout this whole process, including where I am right now, there’s an ongoing discernment within me, with the people around me, with the people who are supporting me, everyone who’s been involved along the way, to continue to discern if this is indeed where I’m meant to be going.
Hal: In terms of the bricks that you laid along the way, you talked about the similarities between an art dealer and a priest. And you described both as being spiritual conduits. Can you relate those thoughts, the spirituality that you found in art and the spirituality that you now find on the road to becoming a priest?
BRICK TWELVE: TYING IT ALL TOGETHER
Meredith: What I love about what I do in the art world is introducing people to new artists or art that they didn’t know and providing information and educating them about it. And the way I see this parallel is art can be very difficult for some people to understand. They’ll stand in front of the painting and they’ll say, “Well I just don’t get that.” And religion can be the same. It seems very opaque sometimes to people. And sometimes it’s helpful to have a teacher or a guide or someone who can walk with you as you encounter these seemingly obscure or unknowable things. Because, in fact, they’re very knowable and they’re very personal and they can touch us in a way that nothing else can, the arts in general and religion or some sense of a spiritual life.
So I use my knowledge of art and of specific artists and specific periods of art to stand in front of a painting and talk with my client about it…And on some good days, I can see their eyes suddenly open and they see this thing that was mysterious to them at first open up. And there’s an intellectual level to that, an intellectual appreciation, but there’s also a really deep emotional experience that can happen. And, similarly, I think that’s the role of a priest, to be that intermediary or guide with someone who is seeking that knowledge, deeper knowledge of God in their lives and help them find that or help them nurture that or help them build that. So I think that’s the parallel that I see. And it’s kind of the role that I love to play. And it’s something I’m used to doing in the art world. So I’m hopeful that I can find a way to be helpful in that way as a priest.
BRICK THIRTEEN: TRANSFORMATION AND GROWTH
Meredith: There’s been a lot of transformation in my life. A lot of it having to do with my own seeking, but a lot of it having to do with things that have found me. Right now I feel as if I’m being transformed in school from who I was when I entered to who I will be when I leave. And it doesn’t mean that I’m not the person I was when I was born. It’s almost like you think of a crystal. And it’s got different sides to it. But the more you create facets, the more a rainbow of colors is reflected through that prism. So the more facets it has, the more color and light it reflects. And so I see myself as a prism that’s getting more intricately faceted the longer I go. And it’s not so much that I’m no longer the person that I was, but that I’m just transforming into something a little more multifaceted.
Hal: Final question. Any words of wisdom for those who are on the path?
Meredith: Trust your heart. Trust your heart. In our Western society, we don’t do that very well. We’re very much into measuring things and numbers and statistics and probabilities. And, in truth, those things are important but these kinds of later career or later life calling, or callings at any stage of life, don’t really emerge from measuring and numbering.
I think my own life experience has been that when I just open myself up to the possibility that there might be something here, in fact very often there is. And that’s what I’m trying to share with other people.
You can visit Meredith Ward Fine Art in Manhattan at 44 E 74th St, New York, NY 10021, USA. You can follow her on Instagram or read more about Meredith and the artists she features at her gallery on her website:
“10 Bricks” is a series of interviews with people who have had interesting careers and lives, bucking the conventional wisdom of following a single, linear career path.
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Design and illustration by Martine Lindstrøm.
