How to Waste Food

So I have this really elaborate ceremony for throwing away food. It’s really more performance art than anything else. Take eggs, for example:

First I remove three or so nice fresh eggs from the fridge and crack them into a bowl. At this stage I throw away the shells. Then I mix the eggs with some milk and cook them in a pan over medium heat til they’re light and fluffy.

The next step is to transfer the eggs to a clean plate, which I then place in front of a small child. The child will then perform a ritual called The Ignoring. In the Ignoring, the eggs are treated as if they don’t exist, left to cool and congeal slightly on the plate as a reminder that within the scope of time and the scale of the universe all things are insignificant and invisible.

During the Ignoring, I perform a complementary ritual called the Badgering, in which I pretend to care that the eggs get eaten (which is of course ridiculous), signifying the futility of hope in the face of our incurable mortality.

After these rituals have been performed sufficiently, the plate is cleared and the untouched eggs are scraped into the Dispo-All to rejoin the shells. Then — and only then — can the Dispos-All be activated to banish the eggs from our lives, their original weight and volume fully intact, in an act of final purification.

We do this roughly three times a day.