The most life changing discovery of 2019: what resilience truly means to me.
It was a fairly cold December evening. I had been looking forward to this for weeks. TedX women Zurich where some of my friends were volunteering and inspirational women (some that I am honored to call friends) were going on stage.
As I walked in, a friend from Lean In team handed me a card, asking me to answer to “what would you do if you weren’t afraid”.
I smiled, I thought about some of my 2020 goals and I answered. Inside I felt like a fraud. Not because I am not going after my dream, or because I didn’t truly want what I wrote on that card. I felt like a liar, because I am never going to be not afraid.
I have anxiety. I have been diagnosed and I am being treated for it and I can be described as “high functioning”. And I will always be afraid.
In the weeks since the event, I thought back at what I accomplished in 2019, and what had changed. As I previously wrote, I had lots of coaching. I stepped outside my comfort zone. I tried and tried. What made the difference thou, is that I changed my “inner story” on what being resilient mean to me.
In the past, I told myself that being resilient meant enduring and coping with what life threw at me. Moving on without losing a beat. It worked, I coped, and prided myself on being resilient. I also let my anxiety do the talking. Checking things off a list, never feeling idle, while going after easy winds. I never even acknowledge my anxiety outside the post partum period.
In 2019, I pivoted from enduring — to actively managing my fears. Working with “her” (my anxiety is a she) to shape the outcomes I wanted to achieve from what life threw at me any given month. I had help, a therapist, coaches, support networks. I achieve a lot, even for my overachieving standards. I often struggle (still do. The holidays are hard for people with mental health issues).
The scariest thing wasn’t quitting my very unhealthy job situation without backup. I also wasn’t having the hardest conversation to date with partner.
The very scary thing I spent days and weeks agonizing about? Dropping out from one of the global virtual design sprints I had signed up for. To prioritize my mental health, because I felt on hedge. Even scarier than letting a team down? Writing publicly on LinkedIn about dropping out to prioritize my mental health. Acknowledge that one of the reasons why I am such a high achiever is my anxiety.
2019 taught me that being resilient doesn’t mean accepting everything and suffering in silence. That being brave and strong and “leadership material” doesn’t mean hiding my struggles.
I am be resilient when I say NO to what doesn’t help me grow. I am resilient when I work on myself and my future. I am resilient and constantly scared and anxious. And if I am, so are you.
