Day 56 —let them talk
Head Held High — Sera
Lately I’m experiencing such big amounts of good energy, that they are becoming even a bit exhausting. But I don’t want it to stop tiring me. Because it’s so overwhelming that there’s no even time for down times, these seem briefer and briefer. Sad moments last for two minutes and the happiness is ready to take over.
Now I’m dancing on my own
I’m exhausted of having so much good energy. And I couldn’t have a bigger smile stamped in my face.
And I know where it’s coming from, I finally started to trust my gut with more conviction.
I don’t need to doubt my own decisions. That really fuels me, I’m the owner of my life and I cannot expect anyone else to really know what I want to do. I already had enough of hearing from others what they would do but it’s not their experience that counts, it’s my own. And it will be my loss, regret or disappointment from the decisions made that I have to carry, they won’t have to.
Nobody says take risks, except my own head. If I’m more comfortable with risk, it will be a satisfying life. People will give you advice that comes from their own experience, how they wish they would have done things for themselves but without the full context… they don’t realize that they are speaking from their own fears. Before I used to be so eager to listen and accept their advice that I blindly took it in, as the thing that I should do for sure.
Oh I used to think that they were right
On my side, they wouldn’t lie
So done with that
Now when I listen to the same source of advice I first reflect on how I feel about it and what I really think about it. Distancing myself from what they’re saying. And it’s starting to be surprising the times that I see how little trust these people have in my capacity to withstand contradiction, distress… or what a different approach they want to take when facing risky decisions. Somehow cautious or whatever they don’t perceive as risky seems to be the best thing to do. And of course, it’s because they care about me, they think they are doing it to protect me, they think I’m better off living a prudent and safe life. When in reality, I discovered, I prefer to test the elasticity of my heart, how much I can take in. It has been a stretch sometimes but I never regretted the outcome. I’m braver than to avoid something that will unsettle me.
And in the occasions that I’ve started to discern the advice and go my own way anyway, it has always been ever more rewarding, more satisfying.
I do what the hell I want
Middle finger to the sky
With my head held high
That plus being more and more comfortable in voicing how I’m really feeling, and demanding how I want to be treated. Demanding is free. Only whoever needs to stay will stay.
Tired of listening and searching for an answer in coversations. Believing that someone else has the solution or the right decision for my own life. I was too gullible, too easy to convince… too receptive. Except for the things that I’m not which is what made me realize… why not do that all the time.
I started to know the difference when I noticed some bigger decisions on things that I regret. I regretted making decisions putting on someone else’s glasses, when I know that in my own experience, they are wrong. They don’t see beyond how people behave, or they take the lazy simple conclusion, like life is not complex… they don’t look behind those acts, understanding and seeing them like I see them. That’s what makes my own judgment especial. I noticed more and more often that I give the benefit of the doubt rather than not, I believe in a good heart by default (always with some irrational exceptions). I prefer to see first a pure intention from the people who I intuitively trust they have it, until proven wrong. I think -and I hope I can say the same for a long time- cannot be fooled and that is told by a long history of great friendships.
Grind the blade and raise the knife
Cause I’ve only just begun
For some people what may be an uncomfortable feeling, for me it’s an exciting feeling, of the things are about to come. Nobody we can read into anyone’s mind… and we all give advice from our own experience… so I have to stop and think, do I need the advice from people who don’t have the life that I want? No. Well actually, I might need it but to understand better my own reasons, my own perspectives of life. To be more secure on what I want to do. Listening to their advice will put in place what I really want to do.
Kill the darkness in my mind
And part of that darkness was to not know what I wanted, doubt, doubt, doubt… I am not there anymore. In the darkness. I pass by whenever it calls me, I pay the due diligence visit and step out with the conviction that whereas it is part of me, it’s not the part I want that dominates my days.
All that time I was hoping for the after, really impatiently and restless. But then.. I surrendered, I stopped fighting it. And then from that position it was strikingly logical to just turn around and walk away.
Freedom after a temporary darkness, less tears, less sad moments, less of the feeling how the heart breaks when remembering a life that I wasn’t ready to let go. Less overwhelmed to pay attention to the life that I had infront of me.
Little by little walking towards the optimism that I’m so familiar with, which feels like home. Step by step I’m a better expert of what brings me joy. I’m feeding the wolf who I want to win.
