These days, the only people that I want to be spending my time with are the kinds of people who are happy to tell you that they either don’t know something or haven’t done something.
I have no interest in being around anyone who acts as if they have it all figured out and have nothing left to learn. In fact, those are the people that I tend to avoid. Because, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, no one has it all figured out — so why would any of us want to pretend that we do?
In my experience, one of the easiest ways to cultivate a healthier mindset towards not knowing is by changing the language we use to ask questions. Say, for example, you’re talking with a friend about a movie you recently saw. Instead of saying, “You’ve heard of [insert movie here], right?” try saying, “Have you heard of [insert movie here]?” It’s a simple distinction, but the difference is significant.
The first question invites a very apprehensive sort of response. If they haven’t heard of that movie, you’ve suddenly created a great deal of distance between you and this person. Now they have their guard up, and they have to decide whether to be honest (and make themselves vulnerable to judgement by admitting that they haven’t heard of it) or to keep up appearances (and pretend that they have heard of it).
The second question, however, is incredibly inviting. You’re taking a step back and creating room for a moment of honesty and genuine learning. If they have heard of the movie, great: you’ve now got something in common, and you’ve opened the floor for an entirely new conversation. If they haven’t heard of it, though, they feel no tension about admitting that to you, and you now have the opportunity to dive deeper into the subject without any apprehension on their part.
Which of these conversations would you rather be having?
Jana Marie is a Croatian-born writer living amidst the restorative embrace of the Canadian Prairies.
Through her writing, she examines the interplay between self and society as she works to both illuminate and explore the power of contemplative thinking. Her recently completed two-year project, 100 Mindful Days, which combines teachings from the worlds of personal development, self-care, and wellness, will soon be her first book.
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