1. The Land of the Prodigals
We’ve All Been There…
I believe there’s a place where all prodigals go.
It’s that place where we find our somethings. The bidding crossroads which numbs and puzzles instead of making the choice easier. The point where we decide to dig deeper instead of wider. The pad we come back from. That’s where the Journey of Becoming commences. That’s The Land of the Prodigals.
I believe it’s a place where we go to meet ourselves. With courage. Heart. And determination.
I’d bet that, at some point in your life, you went there too. That’s where I’m heading. Wanna come with? We might get lost, at times, but I promise to find our ways back. Somehow.
I also believe it can be a time. An intriguing moment when mountains won’t move and waters won’t part so we could pass. That tiny but greedy breath we take when questions demand their rights. That split second we crunch our fists and grit our teeth. That moment of awareness when we allow ourselves to believe that OUR dreams come true. And that we’re worthy of them.
This is my Land of Prodigality.
I don’t know you or how you choose to live your life, but I make tons of mistakes. Wrong choices. Sins. Whatever.
I’m obviously not proud of them. But…
Deep down, at some point, there’s a tini-tiny place where I feel the need to defend them. So what if I went on too many dates? So what if I overwhelmed people I didn’t know with too many details of my personal life? So what if I cheated at important tests? Or in a “relationship”? So what if I got drunk several times? So what if I smoked for 8 years? Etc.
I still judge myself for some of them. But what good does that really do?
I’ll tell you. It’s not the judging that helps, but the facing.
When we face our “darkness” it has less (or even none) power over us. When we stop denying it and choose to accept it as a natural part of who we are, we understand it and break the pattern.
I spent some good years denying everything negative in the world and in my contexts. I would find pitiful explanations for each atrocity. I went as far as to proclaim I didn’t believe in stupidity. Only people with less potential.
Because I was afraid of facing my own darkness. Because I would see and treat myself as a child who needed protection from the hard truths of life. Because I was afraid to grow up. Because, for me, this growing up thing meant being alone. And I couldn’t face the world on my own just yet…
Sometimes, it’s hard to believe in ourselves. To trust that, no matter what, we’re going to make the right choice.
The magic of allowing ourselves to wonder and want stands in the right to let them go. You see?! Deep down inside we do know RIGHT from wrong.
We’re playing these inner, childish games. Tell a kid they’re not allowed to put their fingers in the socket and that’s the first thing they’ll do.
Tell a young adult that smoking, watching porn or doing drugs is bad and they’ll always wonder what it’s like. I’ve tried two of them. Shocker: they didn’t help at all!
I believe that none of the things that offer temporary satisfaction are genuinely useful.
This is what we’re facing here — the Whys & What-Ifs.
We need to know WHY. As kids we don’t understand it, but as we grow we’re getting there. Besides my own reasons, I picked up smoking because my mother would always forbid me to. She would explain over and over why it was bad for me and how it would harm me. And right after that, she would light up another cigarette. So, I always wondered — WHY? Why would one hurt herself knowingly?
I never received that answer.
So, I have one more question…
What if I really wanted to do all those things that different NORMS condemned and said they were dreadful?
What if, unconsciously, I knew that all those things were meant to make me face my real self? What if all the wrong turns do end up in a good corner? What if I was supposed to learn from all of them? Not judge, but learn.
There was a time that question (the one in big letters) scared me because it would mean that… Yes, that’s judging.
Allowing ourselves to be curious and questioning everything is OKAY. It’s who we are. It’s the way to who we really are. So, I say Question, Find your Answers and then Choose!
Sometimes, we’re so complex and such strangers to ourselves that we forget to question anything. Being overwhelmed, cocky or vain about it doesn’t help either. So, we keep building on false grounds. In one of my next posts, I’ll tell you a story about the false grounds I walked on.
The truth is that as much as I’d hate not being “perfect”, that’s who I am.
Sometimes — I make stupid judgments. I hurt people. I think of terrible things. I imagine kinky stuff. I lie.
The difference is that now, I’m aware of them. Most of them. I do my best to look them in the eye and if I’m fast and present enough I can tell where they come from. And then, I choose.
That’s where I’m coming back from. My Land of Prodigality used to be The Land of Concepts & Certainties.
The Prodigal Daughter Returns, now.
If I learned anything these past years is that we’re no absolutes. We’re not concepts. (Yeah, I have a thing with concepts, as well) I guess that for me, The Return started when I realized I’m no concept. Thus, I have and need no conclusions.
Someone once asked me if I wasn’t too young for certainties. 5 years later and I still don’t have any. I used to be looking for them, but I stopped when I realized that…
Certainties are meant to be rooted in our essence instead of the outcomes of what we do.
It might look like I’ve got tons of certainties. I don’t. None of us do.
I’m Work In Progress. I’m #WIP. :)
What about you?
