100 Naked Words — Day 3
Reflections, Ripples and Ramblings of a Restless Mind
Stuck Between Two Cities
I lived transiently for a considerable portion of my working life. A litany of flights, bad food, red wine and delays (this latter being so frequent on the national carrier for Papua New Guinea that the TANGFU — Total-Air-NiuGini-F***-Up — is an entrenched part of the local lexicon).
On one flight several years ago — don’t ask me to or from where — I had come up with the bright idea of rekindling my romance with writing and had penned something that I thought was pretty good. Further fuelled by a glass or two of South Australia’s finest shiraz (syrah?), I struck up what I thought was a witty conversation with one of the crew, expounding on my adroitness with the written word. I asked if they could feed me a title or two, no doubt, I explained, I would immediately and with perspicacious energy be able to draw on their idea and pen a beautiful tryst to suit it.
Needless to say, I didn’t.
Further and exact details of that conversation are lost to history, my stop start affair with writing most decidedly fell into one of its numerous ‘stop’ phases.
But no matter. Because the idea, well that remained.
I spent half a decade working in one country, living in another. Family in Australia, business in Papua New Guinea. A day’s travel between the two.
The life of the road warrior is one that is littered with bleached bones and broken relationships. It inflicts pain and leaves scars. And whilst there may be the rush of conquest, the joy of victory, the quaffing and feasting when the battles are won, the cost is immense, and the echoes of laughter are lost to uncaring walls, bereft of warmth, away from those that might share in the laughter with you.
For a long time I didn’t think about the consequences of the life I led, I was young(ish) and ambitious, I wanted to prove my worth — which I measured in terms of my professional success only at the time — and I (thought I) enjoyed the lifestyle. The hotels, the food, the people, the lounges and in honesty, the freedom.
I was living out of my suitcase even at home in Melbourne, at a hotel in Port Moresby and a house in Lae. I had a smattering of clothes, deodorants and friends (acquaintances) everywhere but was failing at every important relationship I needed to succeed at.
In 2014 when we had a disaster at one of our factories in Lae, I had just landed in Melbourne on a Friday night, got the call as I was about to get into bed and was back on a plane on Sunday morning. I recall another week when I was on the hunt for a couple of key people for the organisation, I did a crazy, ill conceived and manic round trip from PNG to Australia, Sri Lanka back to Australia, Fiji, the UK and back again. It was unsustainable and something was going to break. Most likely me.
What I realised over time was that, I wasn’t stuck between two — or even three — cities. I was simply stuck.
For all the travel, for all the miles I was racking up, for all the places I’d seen, I was going nowhere.
I started addressing the parts of my life that were hardly holding together, so damaged they were nearly broken. My health, my purpose, my self worth, my goals. My relationships. I made incremental changes, sustainable ones. Changes that would have not just immediate, but lasting impact.
I got out and started running, I talked to people who built me up and supported me, took up hobbies, and tried to bring some balance to my life.
But I was still stuck.
I felt better than ever, and because of that, I felt worse than ever. I realised I had been hiding from the pain of the distance, dismissing the issues I had in my relationship with my wife, and that my wife had with our (my) life. I needed to reconnect with my kids — I calculated I had missed 10% of my youngest’s life in the five years I had lived this frenzied existence — this was simply no longer acceptable to me. Now each trip away came with lead in the stomach and even heavier reluctance pervading my mind.
We made, with support, the huge decision to move back to Europe, to London and did that in April 2014. I pivoted away from ten years of running manufacturing operations, in the low skilled emerging economy that had been home for so long, and began working in early stage businesses at the frontier of innovation. I decided I wanted my life to have purpose, and chose a space that has the potential to create that lasting impact I mentioned earlier, and in doing so, have been fortunate enough to work with some incredible people and be part of something innovative and exciting.
Best of all, my relationships improved with everyone that matters — most of all with myself — I stopped looking for validation elsewhere, and found it within, I found time with my kids and am watching them grow into phenomenal women, just like their mum who I can’t wait to get back to. Every. Day.
Of course I travel now and again for work, but I’m grounded now, in so many ways.
So, instead of being stuck between two cities — I’m thriving in this one.
About me: Citizen of the World. I love writing, photography, travelling, reading, learning and growing. Medium is another journey in my life, let’s see what sights we may see.
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