23. #Break (Part II)
The #Break of Self — A challenge from Jimmy Nyakora :)

The story of how I got to do a #Break(Part II)…
The point of #100NakedWords, to me, is to write of about 100 different things as truthfully and deep as I can. And then, re-read them looking for patterns and learning something from it. So, no need for a re-do. I have a word, I write about it, it’s gone.
A few days ago, though, the up-mentioned Jimmy — whom I’ve only “met” through #100NakedWords — wrote something about truths being deserts. Or “deserts of truths” I think it was, to be precise.
It intrigued me. For I had never seen The Truth as a desert. On the contrary, I pictured seas. And water. And energy. Also, in my last #Break (Part I), I had only written of breaking something outside ourselves.
But, thinking about it… I first asked myself — what do seas and deserts have in common? They both “just sit” there, a subtle voice in the back of my head answered.
And that’s when it hit me — What’s a desert or a sea if not a beautiful metaphor for stoicism?
But, stoics don’t #break! Do they?
My point exactly. Seas and deserts aren’t supposed to #break! Or are they, now?
When I think stoicism, I think fearlessness. Which says nothing about not breaking, BTW.
We all #break — seas, deserts, air, fire, me, you.
When I was young, I used to stare at candles burn. Without a clue as to why, I was fascinated with them. But I would never find the patience beyond a few minutes. So, I didn’t quite understand till recently how flames renew themselves by burning wax. With each piece of wax burned, there’s a new flame arising. That explains the liker. And how fire does #break.
But how do we — you and I — #break?
And by #break I mean #break a process…a pace; a rhythm; a loop; a pattern.
How do we — you and I #break?
We #break by fear. Fear stops us.
When we’re afraid, we pause our natural processes, journeys, becomings and… whatevers. As in whatever we’d like to call them. Don’t we?
We say things like —
I’m not there yet? I’m tired.
I’m not yet ready to take it to the next level.
I don’t like (or even “hate”, sometimes) doing this or that. It’s stupid!
What if I’m not really meant to do this?
This isn’t taking me anywhere!
And many more…
They’re all signs of fear.
I’m not there yet? I’m tired.
Hey, I’m only doing this for the end result (pleasure)! So, I’m afraid I’ll get there and I won’t have the energy to enjoy it. I want my pleasure NOW!
I’m not yet ready to take it to the next level.
I’m afraid I might fail if I try something new. Oh, and if I fail, it’ll mean I’m worthless and people won’t “love” me anymore.
I don’t like (or even “hate”, sometimes) doing this or that. It’s stupid!
Actually, it’s quite cool, but it sets (or keeps) me away from people and I’m afraid I’ll end up alone. Which means people won’t “love” me anymore.
What if I’m not really meant to do this?
I’m afraid this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. And if this is what I’m supposed to be doing, it means I won’t have any more “purpose issues” to deal with. No more excuses. No more quest. No more quest — now that’s something to really be afraid of. As if the quest is supposed to have an end. What a joke. :)
This isn’t taking me anywhere!
If only I could control the outcome, see the end gratification. But I’m too afraid to let go because the attachment says some cool stuff about me. On top of the reward at the end, I mean.
And so on.
And we stop.
Sometimes. Some of us. Not you and me, no.
Ha — ha — ha. I don’t know about you, but I stopped processes and roads on the account of each of those from above.
Only to, somehow, start them again later. But you know why? Simply because all of the above are fake! Deserts with truths, that’s what they are. Deserts as in tangled stories but with truths hidden behind.
Funny, right? Ironic!
What fear ultimately breaks is ourselves!
I felt fear last night.
I remember because it kept me from falling completely asleep. When it decided to hover about, I was somewhere in between. I know that because I eventually managed to snooze trying to focus on how the fear felt and where.
But I was so focused on its form, because it seemed I didn’t have answers about the essence. And, then, I fell asleep and it didn’t matter anymore.
Last time I dealt with fear, I asked a friend for help. She asked back — What’s this really about? I couldn’t answer. I simply don’t know. Yet.
I have clues. We all do. Just not sure how to connect them, yet.
But, one thing I always do in regards to fear is that I never take it on with noise.
Silence breaks fear!
Fear is a loop itself. And as I kept obsessing this week “No winter lasts forever”. So, something has to #break it, too.
Looking back on the moments when I was afraid, it seems to me that fear usually hid behind a story — a louder one, such as anger or despair. Yes, the examples.
But it first started to surface when in silence (back in May). So, I figured, you #break fear with silence.
You stop breaking yourself when you “just sit” there.
Like a desert. Or a sea. Or a candle flame. Or wind.
Or a tree.
I miss being locked within myself. As I was when I went to that 10 days camp I keep telling you about.
I miss not being distracted by Twitter notifications (Sorry, Twitter, you are my fav social network, but this notifications thing, it’s a turn off. As in — I’ll turn them off — see what I did there?) I miss not second guessing myself because I read an article, somewhere. I miss being focused. I love distractions as they #break paces too steady, but I miss being focused. Intensity disrupts a steady pace, as well. Oh, and I miss the silence, too…
Do you feel fear? I often wonder if I’m the only one. But then, again, I’m not that naive, either. But do you walk with it as if it were familiar? Like that friend you grew up with, but never really gotten to know.
Thanks tons, for reading this!
~ D.
— — —
Other #100NakedWords I’ve written so far:
#Again|#Thoughts|#Breeze|#All|#Happy|#Island|#Still|#Like|#Tired|#Anchor|#Stand|#About|#Meaning|#Relationships|#Boys|#Purpose|#Forgiveness|#Inspiration|#Allow|#Listen|#Break I|#Dream
Past #100NakedWords attempts:
#Loop|#Rhythm|#If someone took writing away from me

