23: When a raging fire is suddenly extinguished

You know when you’re fanning a fire, and the fire just won’t catch. And then you change the angle, or blow at the right spot, and all of a sudden, the whole pile of woods goes up in flames? Satisfied, you just sit back and watch the wood become consumed by the fire.

I have experienced this in my professional life. My passion caught on fire after I designed and started a PhD project. I thought, “This is it, my passion will burn forever”. I couldn’t imagine anything getting in the way because I was so dedicated and motivated to learn. The topic was big enough to keep me occupied the rest of my working life. And then the project was taken away. The professor (who was also one of the projects’ funders) said I was TOO passionate, not academic enough. I was ashamed, devastated. The project went ahead without me.

But I still put myself out there. And with little effort I found another project. The fire was re-ignited, but it wasn’t a fire like the other one. Perhaps a more sustainable fire, although I’ll never know. This time, the fire got put out just as it was getting going. Too many conflicts with the project partners. My insecurities around German, cultural differences were just some of problems we were facing. Stepping out of the project became the only option. The project is going on without me, once again.

My passion for the topic still burns inside me. But I can’t get myself to take any action. Writing about it in English feels like the only remote possibility for engagement. But then I would have to face my writing demons. At this point, I’m still not sure I’m up to the challenge…