27. #Losing
They say the art of #losing is not too hard to master… I disagree…

[I’m sorry for being this selfish, but, this one’s for me! For the kid in me, to be more exact.]
I got rejected, today.
I played a pretty big part in it. Practically walked myself through it, to be honest. I knew the play by heart and did my part flawlessly. As I always do. Quickly, so I could move to the next loop. Yes, this used to be one of my never ending loops.
He only said “Thank you for being this understanding”.
I laughed my ass off at that. Not in mockery, but as a careful, understanding observer surprising a loop pretending to be stealth. I’ve been dreaming about rejection and being turned down for the past few months now. Every other nigh, religiously. The other nights it would be fear and shame.
I’ve been the perfect looser. I’m sickened of how good I’ve been with #losing. In general, I mean. Any topic, any context.
Think of it this way — In any battle, I would’ve been your dream opponent. Wouldn’t fight for anything in the world. Instead, I would’ve offered you the win right away, thinking you might need it more than I do.
An “honorable forfeit” I would then label it, so I could sleep at night.
You see? I never really lost because I never actually played. Or battled. Or whatever euphemism you’re more comfortable with. I lost benefits from outside the ring, but never the stake itself.
Well, this time, you’re out of luck!
I’m done trying. I’m done tapping. And, I’m definitely done #losing.
I wasn’t even #losing. I was giving it all away. But still felt like a loss.
I deprived myself of what I deserved most so you’d be at peace with yourself.
I was never this outspoken with you — or anyone else, for that matter —but I felt betrayed. Each time you said you’d come. Each time you made a promise you didn’t keep. Each time you said that everything you did or built, was for me. I will not be like you!
To myself and to others as well, I called you names and classified and blamed and judged you. I must’ve said a lot over the years. Expressed my disappointment in any way possible. Even exaggerated, sometimes, I’m sure. I am sorry for each untruth I ever said. But I assure you, my grief was stronger.
I’m done giving your love away. But, what’s odd is that I’m also done fighting for it. I’m done #losing your love.
I gave your love away. I let you go. Because I felt sorry for you.
I thought another family would be better for you.
Poor you, I would think. Poor you. Oh, how she must’ve persecuted you. The tyrant. What were you to do? I turned on mom. Escape was your only option.
Oh, how I pitied you.
I, the kid, pitied you, the adult. How’s that fair?
It’s not.
I sacrificed my need to be loved so you’d have piece of mind. I assumed years and years of despair and mockery just so you’d be happy. I never actually confronted you. Though you would’ve deserved it. I only wrote some harsh emails, but trust me, you’ve had it easy.
You were the adult. You had a voice, a spine and a choice to make. Your responsibility was to look me in the eye and explain it to the best of your ability. You owed me that much.
But, #losing you, I begun looking for love elsewhere. Projecting. Demanding some sort of righteousness. Barking at the wrong tables.
Only, deep down, I knew exactly what I was doing. I had chosen on your behalf. I had accepted #losing you so that I could look for you over and over and over again. That was my loop. It always felt like a decision, but I never knew which one. It felt natural and congruent with who I was, but I could never pinpoint.
Till two days ago, when I called to find out how you contacted me each time you thought of me. That was 2 times. In 4 months.
2 times.
In 4 months.
At first, I hung up, rushed back to my room about to sob, as I would do as a kid. But, I got there only to realize I’m not a kid anymore and I don’t really feel like crying… That’s when I understood #losing. And that I had, in fact, lost you a long time ago. And that I needed to let you go for good.
I deserved your love. In all possible ways. Only, I didn’t get it. And this is how things are. And always were. No drama. No poor-you-backstory. No poor-me-backstory, either. It is what it is. #Losing is what it is.
So, this is my Goodbye. The proper surrender.
I’m not #losing anymore. I’m letting go. Willingly.
With love,
D.
Thanks tons for reading this,
(and, this time, sorry for exposing it as naked)
~ D.
— — —
Other #100NakedWords I’ve written so far:
#Again|#Thoughts|#Breeze|#All|#Happy|#Island|#Still|#Like|#Tired|#Anchor|#Stand|#About|#Meaning|#Relationships|#Boys|#Purpose|#Forgiveness|#Inspiration|#Allow|#Listen|#Break I|#Dream|#Break II|#Time|#People|#Places
Past #100NakedWords attempts:
#Loop|#Rhythm|#If someone took writing away from me

