4. Voices, Validation & Vindication
The Oldest, but Ultimate Trick to silence all voices but your own!
Voices come from within. You have a voice. I have a voice. We all have voices. And we’re not afraid to express them in any way — as children.
But growing up we develop what I like to call the Pleasing Gene — we learn to avoid conflict and pain by pleasing people. Instead of walking away or contextually adjusting our behavior, we permanently alter who we are.
And before we know it, we find ourselves in this desperate chase for validation from the outlier environment.
To be authentic is to raise the volume of Your Own Voice. And silence the Validation. And for that, there’s actually one old, easy trick I really, really want to remind you of.
But first…
Voices
Ok, since I’m all about the truth and being emotionally naked, I’ma be the outcast and say it:
We all hear voices!
The thing is that only a few of us actually admit to it.
Yes, I’m talking about that “voice-a-like” in your head reading this. The one that argues with you just before you make a decision. Like the one telling you to go for the orange socks instead of the red ones. Cause, like, yeah — who chooses socks by color, anyway?! Not me. Nope.
BTW, have I ever told you the story of how I quit smoking?
I was in a car with two friends. They were in front and I was sitting in the back. We were discussing social welfare in England. Cause, I mean, that’s your main discussion point on a casual Friday night out, right?
I think it’s worth mentioning that we had poor to almost no knowledge on the subject. One of my friends, though, was studying there. So he was the Wisdom Holder.
10 minutes into the argument and I was frustrated. Not having arguments to support your beliefs sucks, doesn’t it? So, I did what any normal person would do — got upset and zoned out.
Back there, in the meaningful depth of the night, I was scolding myself, in my mind, of course.
“Oh, F* it! You never listen to me!” my sad, disappointed mind thought.
I pitied her.
“Fine! I’m listening now. What? What do you want me to do?”
“Quit smoking!” she said without ANY hesitation.
“FINE!” I replied pissed off.
And that was it. Only smoked two more random days within the same month and that was it. I haven’t smoked in 3 1/2 years now.
This was my 3rd attempt. It wasn’t difficult, I didn’t struggle with it. I’ve had the sporadic guilt dreams from which I would wake up so proud and happy. But other than that, it’s been really easy. I didn’t feel like smoking anymore. At all.
Only because I heard a voice on a Friday night. I love how dramatic that sounds. :)
Sometimes, I’d like to think that was God. With His own way of letting me know He was there. All the time. But this is another story. One in which I don’t plan on freaking you out.
Conclusion? We all hear voices! We call them differently because we’ve been taught that only crazy people hear voices. Some call it intuition. Others mind or thoughts. Few think it’s God. Or who knows how else?!
My main point here, though, stands not in the voice, but in what we do after it. Which is the old, but the golden trick to silencing all outside voices. But, don’t you first want to know why you still listen to others?
Validation
I mentioned in the beginning how growing up, we develop this Pleasing Gene.
To protect ourselves, we do our best to not hurt others. Sometimes, this might mean saying yes when we’d usually want to say no. Or not sharing our political beliefs in a group where we know it might spark differnces and high pitched voices, for instance. Thus, we compromise. We compromise a bit today, a bit more tomorrow, and before we know it — always. And by ‘always’ I mean that it becomes habit, then part of our day-to-day behavior, then character.
It all starts with our need to be Liked. Appreciated. Noticed. Enforced. Agreed with. Belonging. Worthy.
Loved.
Everything springs from our pure and unmovable need to feel loved. The way we live, the way we make decisions, where we end up, the way we enjoy life, success and failure, mental patterns, etc. The source of all is love, how we’ve been loved and the interpretation we attached to how we’ve been love.
If only parents would TRUST that love is our only need, reason and meaning. And if they truly loved us unconditionally, we would easily manage and learn all the other stuff. If only they truly loved us unconditionally…
But, unfortunately, they don’t. They’re just parents. And though most of the times they act just like regular Super Heroes, they’re not. Under their capes, they gracefully hide emotional bruises, open wounds and nasty scars, themselves. Don’t blame them. Instead, use your Cobler Super Power and put yourself in their shoes to understand where they come from. Pretty large shoes to fill, aren’t they?
Yeah, well… I strayed a bit from the point. Our need for validation is actually a need to feel loved.
Why do we need to search for it outside of ourselves? Well, let’s see, Sherlock. Who does something adorably stupid and then expects praises with big, shiny eyes?
Kids. Children do that.
This is where most of us get it wrong. We assume we have a problem now, as adults, when, in fact, we began pleasing long before. That moment when we were kids and had just done something adorably stupid and were expecting praise with big, shiny eyes. Only praise never came.
To silence the outlier voices once and for all, we only need to love. Our inner child. Not the adult, but the kid.
We need to face our inner child, listen to them, and love them.
To love your inner child try this…
Try to remember that moment in your childhood when you felt as if your parents had betrayed you. Or had terribly wronged you one way or another.
Don’t judge it. Just observe it.
Most probably, that’s the moment when they first showed you conditional love.
When you remember it just take a moment and stay with it. Even if it still hurts. Actually, because it still hurts. Stay there till it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Maybe with your eyes closed. Maybe let tears go. Don’t hold anything back.
Just focus on what you were feeling. Ignore your thoughts — past or present.
Try to remember details — visual details, noises, or smells. Smells work best for me when immersing into a memory. Feelings — both emotional and physical.
Once you felt the love, imagine hugging your inner kid with love and assure them of your protection. As kids, isn’t that all we need — to feel loved and safe?
If it’s possible reach out to your parents and discuss this. If not… just keep on loving.
Vindication
Wrapping up, we have quite a talkative voice in our heads going on and on about… well, anything. Sometimes she’s right. Some other times, not really. And then we have all the other voices from all the people we know or don’t know, but who also have freedom of speech.
So, The terribly easy, not-new-at-all Trick that you only need to remember when you want to do something — anything — is to…
Just Decide To Do It.
The ONLY thing I did after 8 years of smoking was to Decide to Quit. Wholeheartedly. Not the way we set a goal every year to work out and lose weight and then never follow through. That’s not deciding, that’s thinking out loud.
I’m talking about the want-to-do. Wholeheartedly. No BS. Just that.
Charlie Skinner said it best at the end of the first episode of The NewsRoom:
You know what kiddo? In the old days, as of about 10 minutes ago, we did the news well. You know how? We Just Decided To.
I got chills again.
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