54. Diving.

So, he told me. We were seated in a parisian park, sun was bright, we were randomly talking and he took his sunglasses off to look down and to tell me.

He told me he printed in his brain every move, talk, smile and laugh I make. He told me he could live just to see me smiling. He told me he did not want “une aventure”, a fling.

I did not know how to answer to all this. I could not find any word, and I felt my every move and expressions spied. Then, it was a bit awkward. I did not say much. I did/don’t know what to say. I did/don’t know what to think.

So, we moved from the park, we went to have a glass of Sancerre with some (very bad untasteful) tapas but also a very nice tarte tatin. We talked again about other things, some quite personal things actually like family. It was a natural conversation in a such bizarre moment.

Then I was tired, and he saw it. So he walked with me through Paris till my bus stop and I jumped into a bus without saying goodbye… I felt so uncomfortable. Ashamed of myself. Ashamed to be l’objet de son affection, why, what created this, I feel so insignificant. So I sent a little text to apologize and to say it, that I was feeling awkward and a bit disturbed by all this.

Then he said he was sorry. He said he hoped I was not mad at him. He wrote that he dearly hoped we would create occasions to get to know each other more by spending some time together, that’s what he really wanted now. He said he understood how I could be disturbed by all this and that he would never resent me for being so.

I like him for that. I still don’t know what to think of all this. And actually I don’t want to think about all this. I’m not used to that. Not at all. I’m used to burning physical passion, fire and sparks. And here there aren’t any. There’s something else that I cannot name yet. But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.

I may be a coward but I’m relieved to fly away friday by myself. Who knows what future may bring, or not.