Addiction to rushing

One of my recurring nightmares is of me having to rush somewhere important, but my body can only move in slow motion. It’s as if I’m trying to swim through molasses.

I don’t have many addictions. But I suspect I am addicted to the stress hormones produced when rushing. I always leave 5 minutes later than I should. And even if I’m just a little bit late and it doesn’t matter if I come exactly on time, my body still goes into fight or flight modus. It can take me hours to come down again. My breathing stays shallow and my jaw becomes clenched. If this happens a couple of times a day, by evening I’m a ball of nerves.

Why do I call it an addiction? Because it originates from when I was in my 20s and lived in a big city in USA. My days consisted of trying to pack everything — job, social life, activities, dating — into as short a time possible. Leaving early or on time felt like a waste of precious time. As if being rushed and busy justified my existence and gave my life meaning. If I was busy, I must be living life to its fullest, right?

Now that my body has been trained to think this kind of stress is normal, I realise the damage this stress has done.

Sound familiar to some of you out there? I think this is part of American culture. The cultural belief is that people who are in a rush are important and hard working. I have internalised this and shedding it has not been easy.

Germans don’t have the “rushing” culture that exists on the East Coast of USA. Germans have an expression “in Ruhe” and there is no simple translation in English. The rough translation is “in peace” but that doesn’t quite capture it. It connotes a sense of doing things at your own pace, not rushing.

Of course, I don’t want to imply American culture is responsible for my irresponsible management of time. I am responsible for becoming a scattered and hectic caricature of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland.

Being cool and relaxed — even if I’m late — is what I must become.
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Note: After waking up from my recurring nightmare this morning, my first thought was, “I need to find an affirmation that counteracts this bullshit”. I got out of bed and wrote this blog article. I hadn’t published this article yet when I got into a conversation with Joanna Morefield about another blog I had written. In that exchange, Joanna gave me the perfect line to counteracts all my rushing: “I move through my busy day with peace and purpose.” Now how is that for a coincidence?!