Are You in There?

When personas take over

We all have different roles we play in different situations and with different people in our daily lives. Our roles change fluidly, constantly, as we adapt to various activities and environments. This kind of assimilation is natural to being human and gives us a sense of order and clarity, both mentally and socially. At work I am in a managerial role; after six, I no longer have my “manager face” on. Instead, I’m in the persona of “customer” as I shop at the grocery store. This is an obvious example, but the point is that if these roles are so fluid and interchangeable, then they can’t be who we are. When we are aware of this, then who we are is able to shine through the different personas we use throughout the day, and we don’t get “stuck” in our adopted roles.

I have a friend who is definitely stuck in a variety of personas. He is sensitive, creative, and flamboyant. He works in a creative field and is constantly looking outside himself for approval, so he shifts instantaneously between roles in order to see which one will land him the most attention. I haven’t seen him “just be himself” in years, almost as if he doesn’t remember who he is behind the changing masks. The last time I saw him, his hug was fake, his smile plastered on, his voice outrageously loud for the quiet environment we were in, his eyes empty and hollow.

And it made me sad.

I wanted to say, “Are you in there? Snap out of it, man. Be real with me for a minute.” But he wouldn’t have understood, so I let it go.

The roles we adopt are useful for navigating life, but they aren’t who we are. Babies, young children, and animals don’t play roles, and that’s part of why we find them so endearing and refreshing. There are no games, no changing faces, no bullshit. They are who they are openly, proudly, freely, and without a care for what anyone else thinks. Of course, they also don’t have to go to work or buy the dog food.

So we can’t just give up our roles, or no one would bring home the bacon, and the kids would run around like banshees. But we can keep our pulse on who we are — our essence that is behind all roles, all faces. It’s the part that keeps us real, happy, and aware of our aliveness — and ironically, it’s the part we most want to share with others anyway.