What’s the worst thing that could happen?

I could totally die.

Maybe not literally. Though maybe even literally.

From embarassment or hurt, or even sadness. I could totally die from that.

Technically, probably, most certainly, that’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard.

But..

I’m not gonna embarass myself just to make a point and feel better at this very moment, because I know If I do this — I’m gonna hurt myself, I’m gonna cast the sword in my own chest. And that is insane. Why would a person ever do it to oneself?

I have a flair for drama, that is true.

I also imagine all these different scenarios in my head: how he can hurt me, what will he say to hurt me, he’s hurting me already and so on.

Knowing myself good enough to understand that I hurt myself.

I always hurt myself. Having this incredible, very vivid and imaginitive mind is a pro for my writing career, but other than that, it leaves me vulnerable and suffocated in my own showmanship.

That’s a thing about long-distance relationship. That’s the time when words and emojis are of more relevance than ever. That’s the time when you can’t just come over and kiss and “start a war” in bed.

You can’t do that anymore. You have to start expressing yourself better if you want it to last or me to know. If you don’t want this to fail.

I wrote this in my journal on 18/08/16.

And the next day while picking mushrooms in the woods:

I think I’m on that “almost an adult” stage when I consciously understand that if smth doesn’t work out, i’ll be fine. Not a heartbroken mess I used to be when a guy occassionaly broke up with me, but finally a (half-grown) semblance of an adult who doesn’t believe in coincidence and has faith in destiny and the universe pulling people apart and pushing others together. So if he’s not mine, if we are not kismet then I’ll be fine. All in all, it doesn’t seem like he is anyway. I feel the need to be more and be with someone who can give me more.

I fought the initial heartbreak. I can be more rational now.

I have a good eye. But they are all wrong.

Even with this gripping soliloquy in my head, it wasn’t enough to convince my heart.

I tried. But it doesn’t yield.

What is the worst thing that could happen?

He’s gonna tell me that all this time he manipulated me and all he wanted was just sex. And now he couldn’t find a way to break it off, because he’s such a player. He was acting all weird cause he wanted me to break it off with him and spare him the trouble. He didn’t even like me that much. He just wanted what all guys want, and it wasn’t even worth that much trouble, cause the sex wasn’t any good.

That would be the worst thing.

My trust issues would argue and argue about the whole concept I just so graphically described, and in the end, even if I don’t believe in the possibility of this doom day scenario, I still have too many doubts to count.

The solution: cease all communication with the guy for the time being, which won’t be so hard provided he hasn’t answered my text from yesterday yet.

23/08/16

Thank you for reading,

xo

N@t