My rant
It all started at 00:01.
It was 11pm in his time zone, in his place I have only seen pictures of, in his city, which I loved.
- Hey babe, how is it going?
Was his usual greeting. Back in the day it used to annoy me, bore me and piss me off.
It’s like he couldn’t possibly be at least a bit more interesting and say smth new. It’s like his big, smart brain couldn’t find a way to greet me differently today.
And it almost always had to be either when I was sleeping or going to sleep, or in bed, not being able to sleep, because he is a jerk and I miss him beyond words.
Trying to keep it together, and not being able to, because on Tuesday I told him that I might see him in a month (not having seen him for 3 months already), but I got an e-mail from my possible employer yesterday and he said he couldn’t get me the “invitation” for work in Austria.
I knew it.
I shouldn’t have told anyone.
This was the second time. Second employer saying that. And lots and lots of rejections.
And lots of applications yet to be sent tomorrow. And lots of ways to still figure out how to proceed.
How to NOT be heart-broken about the fact that I won’t see him in a month, how to tell him that.
It’s 00:09 and I can’t text him back.
I either will yell at him or cry and be miserable and pathetic me.
I’m trying to find a way to be closer to him.
To Zurich, to Switzerland, so he could come visit and we’ll get some time together. But I’m not sure I’m up for all this trouble and all the feelings I can’t manage, can’t stop feeling.
Distractions and ordinary life home (Ukraine) help, but not as much as I wish it did.
I’m not happy. I can’t stop feeling bad for my mom. We cry together sometimes. I cry just watching some half-cute moment on TV.
When I was going to school till the 25th of October, I had something to do and it occupied my mind, it was free from failure.
Now, I’m just miserable. Cause I want the job in the Alps, I want to spend this season working hard, and snowboarding and I wanna see him.
I want to be able to be with him. It’s been too long since I kissed him.
Too long since I slept in our bed, too long since he looked at me like that, too long since I was pissed at him and he was there to console me.
3 damn months.
My mom waited for my dad for two years and I’m an idiot who can’t take it all, right?
If only he was more supportive, if only he gave me what I needed
But noooooooo, how can he?
He’s thinking only of himself, he needs space to be able to function as he is supposed to function.
Even if it makes sense, it’s selfish.
I never thought he’d be that selfish.
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Previously
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Thank you for reading,
xo
N@t
