Death, denial, and memory

My dad is 85 years old, living in a nursing home and unable to walk. He has escaped death several times. He has dementia, but it manifests itself mostly by forgetting the past and mild confusion.

In many ways he is completely “with it”. He knows the date, is up on current events, knows exactly when my next visit is. He reads and keeps up on his interest in math and science.

However, when it comes to his own death he is in deep denial. Sure, he can talk about whether he wants to be cremated or buried. But he is incapable of a realistic outlook on the fact that he is nearing the end of his life.

For example, he is completely convinced that he will walk again, leave the nursing home, and go live somewhere else. Never mind that he is completely dependent on the nurses for everything except for eating. In talking about his plans, he even threw around the idea of getting married again and moving to a different city.

Of course, who am I to dash a man’s dreams? I keep silent.

I can understand a 25 year old being in denial about death. Even a 40 year old. But it takes some mental stubbornness to maintain that denial well into your 80s.

So I ask myself, is this a symptom of the dementia or of a man who has spent his life running away from uncomfortable emotions? Would it be any different if he was a man of faith and believed in an afterlife? I think so. If you have absolutely no framework (faith, ideology, whatever) for putting your life into perspective, denial about death can seem like a pretty attractive option.

I’m being so harsh on my dad because I have worked very hard to keep him alive. I too am in denial that he could be gone soon. I don’t want to say goodbye to him.

But at 85 years old I would prefer conversations reviewing memories of his long life rather than making plans for a new marriage or relocation to a new city or country. Then again, with most of his longterm memory mostly gone, how could he have those conversations?

Pretending to be decades younger is probably not the worst solution. Maybe even by ignoring death, he’ll keep it away for a few extra years.