How To Be Alone

It’s not lonely.

I’ve lived alone for more than 10 years. Friends and romantic relationships have come and gone, but I have always been here, with me. I know a number of people who are highly uncomfortable in their own company and do anything to avoid it, whether that means going to a bar, or escaping into books or movies, or constantly checking Facebook’s endless stream of information and opinions in order to feel connected. It’s true that, as a species, we need each other — relationships are a major part of how we define ourselves. What we most often neglect, however, is our relationship with ourselves.

I’ve always been a loner, so I’m used to being alone, but I’ve never been truly comfortable alone until recently. When I was younger, I would fill empty hours with reading and exercise — devouring a book a day and riding my bike for miles alongside country farmland. Eventually the books grew too predictable and my legs grew tired, and I realized I was “being alone,” but not really “being with myself.” There’s a subtle difference, and it influences how we feel about ourselves. I was using activity to escape my aloneness because, deep down, I felt lonely.

There is a story to loneliness — the story says, “I feel lonely because I am alone, and I shouldn’t be.” We judge our social or living situations and our feelings, and when we come up short, we say, “Ah, damn, I’m lonely.” We then try to avoid the loneliness by jumping into activity or seeking out new (or old) relationships. But what if we took “lonely” out of the equation? What if we were just alone, truly alone, with ourselves, just for a moment? We might find, surprisingly, that we enjoy or even love our own company.

These days, when I come home from work, I come home to myself. I exercise, clean up, pour a glass of wine, turn on some music or TV, and create some sort of meal, just for myself. I treasure my evenings alone, dancing at the stove or flipping between songs or channels without argument. It’s just me, and it’s fun. I’ve come to love being with myself instead of just occupying myself.

Because now I realize: no matter what my life looks like on the outside, I am the one who will always be with me.