I Didn’t Think of You Today

I didn’t think of you today, for the first day in months. I realized when I got home that the whole day had passed, and you had not once entered my thoughts. You used to be lurking behind every memory, every song, every image in my mind. The story of you would hum beneath the surface of my life, ready to leap out at any moment with well-rehearsed emotions and knee-jerk reactions at the ready. And I fell into the story every time.

I didn’t think of you today. I came to realize that the thought of you is not you. It is just a thought, a story, a passing ship in the sea of mental activity. I can watch the ship go by and even wave at it as it passes. I no longer have to jump into the surf, leap aboard, and try to tear down the sails.

I didn’t think of you today. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. In fact, it feels like I care more because now I can feel the love without the pain, the truth without the defensiveness, the heartbreak without the heartache. I realize you’ve probably not thought of me in weeks, if not months. That is no matter. This is about me finally being able to look back through the lens of appreciation and clarity, with only a shimmer of sadness.

I didn’t think of you today. I will not try to lasso you with my mental tricks. You are free to go. (You have always been free to go — I just didn’t realize it.)

I didn’t think of you today. And now I am free to go, too.