I don’t care about anyone or anything
Or so I keep telling myself
There’s a 24 year-old boy in my life now who says that he loves me and wants future with me.
Boy.
Because even if he’s better in some things than my previous affair, he is just a boy.
My perception of him is this:
He’s a boy who can’t be alone
He’s a boy who is strangely more insecure than I am, though I always thought he was a smidge arrogant.
He is a boy who sends me photos that are not at all flattering
(like he and his friends smoking and drinking and the mess of it all)
He is a boy who is extremely annoying
A boy who suffocates me
In his manner, in his constant desire to be with me, even after I told him that I don’t want to be with him
He is a boy who literally suffocates me when we hug
I literally cannot breathe
So I have to gulp for air and tell him to stop
He is a sweet boy, maybe even a boy who cares about me
Maybe
Though I’m not sure
He is a boy who I had a crush on when we first met
But then again, back then, more than a year ago
I thought he was different
Now that I know how he can be
I don’t want him
I seem not to give a damn
And how embarassing was it when I cried in front of him because of other guy, other man.
A real man
Not mine
But someone good, nevertheless bad and all kinds of wrong for me.
I don’t care about anyone or anything
Why should I?
I cried because of the man in and out of my life
I should stop caring
I say to myself
And I do
I stop caring
There’s this boy, who wants me
Haha
I want nothing
I don’t care that he wants me
It definitely is flattering for about 5 seconds
But then again — I don’t want HIM
I simply don’t give a rat’s ass
I don’t want to hurt him, but his behavior is far from how I’d like my man to behave
And there I go again
Involved in some drama and theatre
AGAIN
While all I want is to be alone
And write, eat, sleep, BE ALONEEEEEEEEE!!!!!♥
What is it with the world that it gives you what you don’t want?
Maybe so we concentrate of what we want and leave everything behind that doesn’t serve us?
I just missed a call from a “boy”
I don’t know how to get out of this Catch-22 situation
BTW, the boy is a friend of mine from last year
And I don’t want to loose our friendship
But he is crazy, and he’s making plans and he wants to move to Germany to be with me
And I freak out and try to solve it, before it goes too far.
But HOW?
I tried the direct approach — tell him how I feel about the whole endeavour.
Didn’t help.
Ideas?
Thank you for reading,
and don’t forget to recommend ♥
— Yours truly,
Natalie
