I don’t care about anyone or anything

Or so I keep telling myself

NATALIIA TOTKA
100 Naked Words
3 min readApr 29, 2017

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There’s a 24 year-old boy in my life now who says that he loves me and wants future with me.

Boy.

Because even if he’s better in some things than my previous affair, he is just a boy.

My perception of him is this:

He’s a boy who can’t be alone

He’s a boy who is strangely more insecure than I am, though I always thought he was a smidge arrogant.

He is a boy who sends me photos that are not at all flattering

(like he and his friends smoking and drinking and the mess of it all)

He is a boy who is extremely annoying

A boy who suffocates me

In his manner, in his constant desire to be with me, even after I told him that I don’t want to be with him

He is a boy who literally suffocates me when we hug

I literally cannot breathe

So I have to gulp for air and tell him to stop

He is a sweet boy, maybe even a boy who cares about me

Maybe

Though I’m not sure

He is a boy who I had a crush on when we first met

But then again, back then, more than a year ago

I thought he was different

Now that I know how he can be

I don’t want him

I seem not to give a damn

And how embarassing was it when I cried in front of him because of other guy, other man.

A real man

Not mine

But someone good, nevertheless bad and all kinds of wrong for me.

I don’t care about anyone or anything

Why should I?

I cried because of the man in and out of my life

I should stop caring

I say to myself

And I do

I stop caring

There’s this boy, who wants me

Haha

I want nothing

I don’t care that he wants me

It definitely is flattering for about 5 seconds

But then again — I don’t want HIM

I simply don’t give a rat’s ass

I don’t want to hurt him, but his behavior is far from how I’d like my man to behave

And there I go again

Involved in some drama and theatre

AGAIN

While all I want is to be alone

And write, eat, sleep, BE ALONEEEEEEEEE!!!!!♥

What is it with the world that it gives you what you don’t want?

Maybe so we concentrate of what we want and leave everything behind that doesn’t serve us?

I just missed a call from a “boy”

I don’t know how to get out of this Catch-22 situation

BTW, the boy is a friend of mine from last year

And I don’t want to loose our friendship

But he is crazy, and he’s making plans and he wants to move to Germany to be with me

And I freak out and try to solve it, before it goes too far.

But HOW?

I tried the direct approach — tell him how I feel about the whole endeavour.

Didn’t help.

Ideas?

Thank you for reading,

and don’t forget to recommend ♥

Yours truly,

Natalie

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