I let myself forget, because it is easier
I can go days without thinking of him, really thinking.
But how can I ever forget?
Our photo from the second date is still on my windowsill, don’t know why, but I can’t bring myself to put it away, because it belongs there, there’s a spot no one and nothing could occupy.
It is a place for our photo together, it is a place for the past and the future, I hope the future.
But even if it’s only the past, the picture frame will still be there, I am not taking it down because he hurt me and because he might not be my forever person.
I look at us every day and I don’t feel anything, I am just at peace, at ease. Like somewhere on the background, we are still together, texting in Spanish, talking crap, me putting up with his ridiculous humour.
Maybe we are together, somewhere in a different universe, different world, parallel universe, maybe there we have a chance to be.
I miss him casually, I miss him like my heart and my legs miss winter, I miss him like I miss home: with a strong belief that I’ll go back soon, with bittersweet memories and the life that was given and the hopes fulfilled.
I love him like I love autumn leaves and how they feel beneath my feet and that is one hard thing to admit.. I just wrote it and almost wished I didn’t.
I never felt like it. And I’m afraid I was tricked into this.
I can’t trust the feelings I have. Because they change. Rapidly.
Maybe we are not meant to be, maybe the love of my life is yet to be revealed…
“I don’t want to be with anyone else in a thousand years”
That’s what I told him a day before he left.
And I meant it.
I still mean it.
I wouldn’t have said it if I was gonna fall in love with someone else in a month.
But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna hold onto a memory of him, a memory of us till I die and be alone for the rest of my life.
I am giving myself time to be in the world without constant need to be loved by someone or be kissed by someone or be accepted by anyone other than me.
***
I let myself forget I want him…because that’s what I need.
I let myself forget I want him next to me…because that hurts less
I let myself forget we share a world and I let myself forget we are bound by the invisible red thread…because I am afraid.
I better let myself forget
***
Thank you for reading ♥
Support my work, buy me coffee =) lol
