My death songs
For most of my life the thought of what music to play at my funeral never occurred to me. Realistically, I have never desired to have music played at my funeral, as it felt as though it wasn’t a very conventional thing to do. I have heard religious music at funerals, whether performed live or from a recording, but rarely have I heard contemporary music. I went to a funeral service several years ago where the deceased had left wishes to have a few of his favorite country songs played. It was kind of awkward, with the attendees just sitting there listening quietly for 8–9 minutes to music that didn’t seem quite appropriate for the occasion. I’m not being critical, as everyone is entitled to his or her own funeral ceremony.
Overall, I only have a few requests for my funeral in general. I want a military funeral, with the U.S. flag draped over my coffin, and a 21 gun salute. Nothing spectacular or elaborate. I want to be put into the ground at a veteran’s cemetery that I have already selected. I wanted to stipulate somehow that people have fun and speak of only fun or silly memories of me, but I can’t enforce that. I thought of requiring people to do shots or play drinking games, but that would be a little much for some people, so maybe I can just get a small group of people to informally commit to getting together at a dive bar nearby, load up the jukebox with quarters to play the songs that I liked, and possibly dump a sip of their drinks on the floor in remembrance of me.
My change of heart regarding death songs occurred during the course of planning my mother’s funeral. The funeral home included a video of her as a part of the package, which entailed forwarding them digital photos to be arranged and displayed on a television at the front of the home throughout the viewing. This video required a soundtrack, so I was asked to pick two of my mom’s favorite songs.
I thought about it for a day, and then chose “Good Day Sunshine” by the Beatles and “Thank You” by Led Zeppelin. My mom was sort of a hippy and crazy about the Beatles. I remembered her singing along to “Good Day Sunshine” as a kid, so I went with it. “Thank You” was more about reliving our mother/son dance at my wedding. I love Led Zeppelin and picked that song because it seemed to express my gratitude to my mom for being so wonderful and always treating me well. I took care of her during the last few years of her life and the funeral planning was on my shoulders, so I didn’t think it was too self-indulgent to choose “Thank You”, and I felt comfortable that mom would have approved.
The day of the funeral I probably watched her video 40–50 times. It was a pictorial journey of my mom’s life from her childhood through her last days. Those songs played over and over, and I never grew tired of them. As I type this, they bounce around in my head and provide me with an odd sort of comfort. Perhaps that is the theory behind the funeral home offering a video. I’m mostly sold on it because the music is a soundtrack to a video and not played over the sound system. People can get exposure to the music and then move on, it isn’t imposed upon them
Although I don’t believe that I am anywhere near the point where I have to nail down these sorts of details for myself (or so I think, one never knows), the experience got me thinking about my own death music. I stopped evolving musically in the mid to late 1990s when grunge music sadly went away, so I would definitely want music from the period of 1990–1998, give or take a year or two. So I don’t listen to a lot of mellow music, and that poses a challenge. If I just loved Bette Midler, Whitney Houston, or Josh Groban, the process would have been much simpler.
Most of the songs I really like are angry and fast paced, with some long-haired, tattooed, brooding, angst-ridden renegade angrily screaming over a loud guitar and driving drumbeat. While my death music is about me, I have to keep in mind that there is a minimal level of consideration at play here, and really, having my kids listen to Slayer, Korn, or Pantera on a loop all day at my funeral would likely be traumatizing to them, no matter what age they are when I die.
So after much contemplation, I arrived at the following two songs: “Walk” by the Foo Fighters and “Minerva” by the Deftones. No, seriously, those are the songs. I know that some of you are familiar with “Walk” and that almost no one is familiar with “Minerva”. You are welcome to come to my funeral and take a listen or just check out the embedded videos below.
Why these two songs? First of all, neither will make your ears bleed (much). Okay, the end of “Walk” has some screaming, but only for 15–20 seconds. Second, there are some lines in them that really resonate with me. There are lyrics that are positive, and seem to be high-minded. These songs are heavy, melodic, and memorable. They have a gravity to them, but aren’t unrealistically idealistic, because I’m not unrealistically idealistic.
Walk
Learning to walk again
I believe I’ve waited long enough
Where do I begin?
Learning to talk again
Can’t you see I’ve waited long enough?
Where do I begin?
Now,
For the very first time
Don’t you pay no mind
Set me free, again
To keep alive, a moment at a time
That’s still inside, a whisper to a riot
The sacrifice, the knowing to survive
The first decline, another state of mind
I’m on my knees, I’m praying for a sign
Forever, whenever, I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I’m on my knees, I never wanna die
I’m dancing on my grave
I’m running through the fire
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna leave
I’ll never say goodbye
Forever, whenever
Forever, whenever
There is so much there that I like. I only hope that some of it isn’t painful to people who love me. I do want to dance on my own grave and run through the fire. I never want to say goodbye. I never want to leave, or die. If you listen to Dave Grohl scream these lyrics it is absolutely powerful and compelling. I want that power at my wake; I want it in the ears of those who are paying their respects. Even if it may be a little unconventional.
As you can see from the video, there is also an element of silliness and humor. Lighten up, people! I’m okay, we’re all gonna die.
Minerva
I get all, numb
When she sings it’s over
Such a strange numb
And it brings my knees to the earth
And God bless you all
For the song you saved us
You’re the same, numb
When you sing it’s over
Such a strange numb
It could bring back peace to the earth
This one is significantly mellower throughout than “Walk”, but that grinding, almost off-key sound to the music is perfect. Is death a “strange numb”? And God bless you all. It is presented with sincerity and depth, without artificialness or sanctimony. I want it heard.
Plus Minerva is the Roman goddess of wisdom. Those who really know me may say that this lends a little irony to it all.
I envision “Walk” will be played first, the background music to pictures of me as a baby, growing up, and then a few years into my adulthood. “Minerva” can take over in my mid-30s and run through to the end. It starts very upbeat, with the energy peaking with Grohl screaming, then easing into a more tempered and pragmatic resolve. At the end, it “…it brings my knees to the earth.” Perfect.
