Day 35: Round two. Let’s break whatever’s not yet broken (going back in time)
I cried yesterday. Like REALLY crazy cried. I wish I could blame him. But hell knows why I cried.
BTW, while hysterically crying I tossed his box with my birthday present on the floor and was really angry for some reason.
Is this a mean case of PMS coming up or what the heck is wrong with me?
Certainly I am frustrated, unhappy, doubtful, insecure and stuff… but he doesn’t deserve this. Neither do I.
It’s just really difficult to behave normally, cause I have no idea how GOOD/NORMAL/AMAZING relationship work. I NEVER HAD ONE. For crying out loud.
I need support and constant reminding that I’m loved, appreciated and cared for. Otherwise I’m gonna burst and run away, which I’m trying to do, but it’s pretty hard this time. Though how much easier would it be if I could actually bail.
And the distance kills me. It’s like round two, for fuck’s sakes. Let’s break whatever is not yet broken in Natalie’s body.
Heart is so scarred, I don’t even know if it’s still feels stuff. Obviously, other organs feel smth to T.
I’m scared I’m gonna mess it up.
I’m scared that if he knows me, really knows me, he wouldn’t like me.
It’s not like I’m a horrible person pretending to be a funny bunny, but still you know, all those things, annoyances that you probably don’t want your guy to know at first. Now that I think about it, I cannot come up with anything that I don’t want him to know.
I wanna stay cool and amazing in his mind.
Now it feels like he’s distant, but it’s probably cause he has a lot of work and no time to text.
I can’t help feeling what I feel.
I kinda almost opened the box he sent me with my presents. (My bday is on Tuesday 1st September)
I cut the tape. But I didn’t look inside. Am I too mushy cause I want it to be special and somehow share it with him??
Could be.
Oder? (Or in German)
So here I am pondering about our relationship and if it’s worth to stick around or should I just bolt and forget about it?
Can’t wait to go home (Ukraine). For some reason I think that there I’m gonna be able to figure out all the things and all boys and all the crap that’s happening in my life right now.
There again I wait for something particular to save me.
I gotta save myself
And obviously wherever I go, it won’t help.
Couple of years ago I was eager to get out of Ukraine, of my home sweet home, and I did, and what?
Nothing. I wish I could leave MYSELF somewhere and go on vacation without taking my crazy mind/problems/crap with me.
