SHE
I was about to go to the shower as I caught a glance. She stared at me. I was in a mood to tell her to fuck off, but she pleaded with her eyes.
“Alright, you can stay,” — I thought
But she was there for good. And I could turn the world upside down and she’s still gonna be here.
Who is she?
She glances with her sad blue eyes at me and I don’t know her, I don’t recognize her.
Who is she?
Her hair is up and her lines are more distinct then ever and I still can’t place her.
Who is she?
This girl wearing her scars on the outside. Blaming herself for all the faults. Living her life in a shell of self-damnation
Who is she?
Someone who’s been around and knows the drill, someone who doesn’t want to conform. Someone who hasn’t felt anything real for a while
Who is she?
Beat-up puppy, hurt kitten, cowardly bunny.
Who is she?
I can’t place her. It’s like I know her, but it’s in the shadows and she’s not real.
Who is she?
I don’t know.
But she is not me.
That face is not mine. That god-forsaken hair doesn’t belong to me.
That body? Have you seen that body? Marks and scars and too much fat on the waistline?
It is not mine.
The only thing that seems to be mine is eyes.
Those beautiful, more-blue-then-the-water-in-the-Alps eyes are mine. I claim them every day.
How much they’ve seen, how much they’ve cried and how much they’ve experienced!
Those eyes have always been mine
But as for everything else?
This body is fragile and broken, the heart is shattered and the soul is in ashes.
This body is weak and this spirit is scared.
But I am more than that.
I am more than fear and more than my undone nails, I am not my body and I am not my brokenness.
I am more than that.
Who am I?
Am I that girl staring at me in the mirror?
Because she is not enough. She will never be enough for me.
I can’t settle for her. She is timid and regretful, she cries a lot and forgives too much, she’s smarter than many, but she won’t show it, she isn’t me.
She can’t be.
The girl staring at me in the mirror is a stranger.
I don’t know her anymore.
I recognize my eyes, but all I remembered myself to be is gone.
Because it’s a new era. She’s a new human and I have no place to be now, but in the past.
Which is long gone, same as me.
***
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