Sucker?

I believe that I am a highly evolved individual.

Either that or I’m a sucker for punishment.

I seem to hone in on unavailable people that possibly maybe want a change.

At the moment it’s girls that have never been with women before, are still attached and are tired of their significant others and the lack of stability/love/attention/reliability they’re getting.

I am some sort of welcome change (completely different) from their lack luster relationships.

Like I’m going to rescue them from their current existence and sweep them into my fascinating and unpredictable one.

I’ve always fallen in love very quickly.

If I like you and I want to see you, it’s because I see more coming out of the experience.

I’ve never been one to have casual sex or date random people for the ‘fun’ of it.

I’ve never known how.

It’s difficult for me to separate sex and emotion or love.

It’s difficult for me to have sex with someone without having some sort of emotional connection with them.

And when I say difficult, I mean, I just don’t do it.

I’ve never really had the opportunity to either.

Until now.

Which means my mind and body are in turmoil.

On one hand, I want commitment.

I want to be this persons partner.

I want to focus on me and them and us.

I want to make things special for them.

I want to be a team.

I want it be ‘us’ with the rest of the world.

On the other hand, I’ve always been curious about casual relationships and how they would work.

I believe that I am possibly meant to learn how.

To be ok to go with the flow and be casual and not focus so much on the other person but on myself and what I want, when I want to do it.

But, how do I have sex without emotion?

Or how do I have sex with emotion and still be ok when they tell me they’ve fucked someone else?

Am I meant to learn how to do that?

It grinds at my personal state of what’s normal.

It grinds hard.

One friend tells me that I’m setting myself up for failure.

That I’m going to fall for them and they will still want to be casual and I will eventually get my heart broken.

Secretly I hope that they’ll fall for me too and want to give up their singledom and live happily ever after with me.

Such a hopeless romantic.

Either way, I will come out wiser from this experience.

Whichever way it goes and I’m ok with that.