The agony of the wait
The work is done, proposals have been proposed, the wheels have been set in motion, all I can do now is wait and its turning out to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I am currently in a position where it’s been a rough couple of months in a way that this whole waiting game makes me feel so powerless. The absolute loss of control while our fait is decided by the powers to be. When you’ve done all you have and there’s nothing more that you can do and you’re just waiting, floating endlessly in limbo.
Like a balloon that has managed to break free from the hands of a precocious child and is now waiting for a gust of wind to blow him places. And yet before the wind, without the wind, there is just the lull of nothingness. Like trains that stop before their stations, like waiting rooms outside of hospital theatres, of bowed heads, pensive brows, of massaged temples and bodies being pumped with adrenaline without release. There is only the insufferable, slow, deliberate, passage of time.
Lately I feel like that guard standing at the wall expecting an attack. Each small sound or movement, each shape, each silhouette across the horizon makes me snap to attention and I cannot breathe easy till it has been ruled out. It’s a strange feeling to wait, to anticipate. Each time my phone beeps, or I have an unread email notification my pulse quickens in anticipation of the decision I await. It’s a strange stage to exist in. To just be and not run through the thousand scenarios of what could happen. To just be and not let that one aspect interrupt your regular functioning. Over the past two weeks my writing had almost stopped because of this waiting game. Today I struggle to put this down knowing if I don’t, I would have let it get the best of me. The older I grow, I find the lesson in life is to merely maintain a state of normalcy, to compartmentalise and contain certain aspects, from overrunning all of it. To not let the bush fire turn into a forest fire that burns all of you.
I knew waiting was part of the game, nobody told me it was the hardest part.
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