The brutal awakening of my autistic child

Last week was a bit of an emotional week for us. Let me tell you a true story.

My Pebble watch vibrated when it received a new iMessage notification. I glanced at my watch to read it.

“Marc, do these friendships card have a specific format? If not, I’ll create one and send it to Mathias”

Tears popped in my eyes as I scanned the text. What did just happen? What had moved me to tears? To understand this, I need to give you some context first.

I’m a proud father of 2 boys. Mathias 8 years old and Maarten 6 years old. Mathias has Asperger syndrome. It’s a milder form of autism.

Now don’t start picturing “Rain man” when you hear autism. Autism is not black and white. It has many shades of gray. Asperger patients have a higher than average IQ but they are behind in social skills.

Mathias is a smart kid. IQ of about 120. Very creative little fellow. Obsessed with details and numbers. In that respect, he looks a lot like Rain man.

Playing with other kids is difficult. He can not understand that playing means, taking turn-by-turn decisions. Mathias likes to organize a play format in advance. Play means following a storyboard. A storyboard that he designed. If one of the kids wants to change the storyboard in the middle of a play, that is not possible. That is not the way he planned it. Which of course causes debate and usually ends in an argument. Which of course ends up the playing in most cases.

At home, he has an advantage. His younger brother knows by now that in order to play with his brother he needs to go by these rules. It’s a different situation at school. These kids don’t take Mathias situation for granted. I can understand that. We try to explain my son as best as we can that playing means give and take. That it’s not always up to him to determine how they will play.

Last week something happened. Mathias came home from school very upset. Crying. We questioned him what was wrong. At school, they had an assignment. “Design some cards for your friends”. On the card make a nice drawing and write one good quality of your friend. It’s a nice exercise. It teaches them the value of friendship.

Nothing says more “I like you” than a paper card.

At the end of the day, the children could hand out all the cards to their friends. So Mathias did. He gave the cards he made to the children he considers his friends.

In return, he did not receive any card.

His world crumbled. He cried his heart out. He did not understand why no one had given him a card. All the other children received at least one card.

He had none.

As a parent, there I was. For the first time, I felt helpless. I could not help my son. The only thing I could do was to comfort him. So that evening when he went to bed, my wife and I made him a friendship card. You want the best for your child. But if that is not possible.

You feel bad.

The next day I told a friend of mine about what had happened. He just listened to my story. He saw I was having a hard time with it, as it was for my son.

So the next morning he wrote me this message. He suggested to create a card for my son and send it to us. It was the sweetest thing someone ever offered me. And it showed me the strongest bond humans can ever have.

The one of true friendship.

When that card arrives later this week, it’s going to mean the world for my son. And to me. Real friends are like gold nuggets. You have to look long and hard to in order to find them. But they do exist. And they contain a lot of value.

Thank you for being that friend

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