The Courage to Keep Living

I’ve had a run of bad news over the last six weeks. As a result I’ve had patches where its felt like I’ve been continuously sucker punched in the stomach, doubled over so I can barely breathe. I am numb and heart-shatteringly achey by turns.

Part of my learning this year has been focused on actually feeling my emotions in their entirety, instead of trying to avoid/ignore/numb them. No drinking, no avoidance, no distractions. I sit with my emotions and honor them, respecting that I am heartbroken/grieving/agonized/stressed /horrified/achey/empty/regretful by turns. And then I use constructive strategies to help myself cope with the breadth of my emotions.

Changing my coping strategies is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Owning my pain instead of hiding from it? So tough. I use every tool in my arsenal to get through the bad days.

My tenacity is used getting through my days with high-functioning depression and anxiety.

My stubbornness is used to not break down and cry when I see a reminder of someone I no longer have in my life.

My determination is allowing me to go to work and to give them the very best of me I can, all the while knowing I’m never going to see you again.

My empathy is used to support the other people who loved you so incredibly much, to help them navigate the intricacies of life without you.

My strength is not letting my broken heart envelop my entire life.

My love is getting me out with my friends so that I am reminded of the incredible people I have around me. It’s allowing me to go and laugh and smile and savor life, and then to go home and mourn you.

And my courage is helping me to let my life continue. It’s helping me to fight the urge to hide in a cupboard or under my blankets or in the car or in the shower. It’s helping me to reach out to my tribe and let them know I desperately need their love and support right now, and it’s helping me to not spread myself any thinner until I can heal.

It is unlikely the devastation I feel at your passing will ever fully leave me. But I will honor your memory and I will have the courage to live despite anything that life throws my way.

To the fallen, you are loved and not forgotten.

To those falling, you are loved and not forgotten.

To the survivors of the fall, you are loved and not forgotten.

❤