
They say home is where the heart is but home is within, within your body mind and soul home is you
They say home is where the heart is but home is within, within your body mind and soul you are home
why am I not teaching? when I teach, I always feel better
I write, live, surrender, stay
strong, do not give up, so fast
I continue going, get up, go straight
to where my heart is, where I’m hurt, what’s needed to be fixed, I heal
what’s broken I help where I’m needed
what if Teo’s here to do good? what if he’s right, instead of wrong, what if he loves me, for real? why else would he be here?
what if my parents are not wrong, but not right either?
what if living according to their plan - you’re doing well, even though you’re not feeling fulfilled - is not what is right, for me?
who knows what’s right?
I read a book on bipolar disorder and slowly start to see, my symptoms
my high low anxiety feverish mood swings, stress
my doctor says there’s nothing wrong but I know better
I know it from before, 11 years ago, when I was 17 left home for the first time did not feel home anywhere except for
within, with a coffee by my side, writing stories in café’s when it was not yet time to do so
I was alone, by myself, others sought others but I sought silence, with my books, my writing, my Self
my drawing, I used to draw, when I was little, I did so much drawing I could not stop
picturing my world in images, girls, women, hood
until I got too old to try, too tired of failing, too perfectionist to try and do something
that I’d certainly destroy later
I still need to do an effort to not delete the things I’ve done, day after day after day
it is so, tiring
luckily in my job, I cannot delete - I need to deliver
I feel like eating banana while I’m eating coconut, I could run out get gas go to the store now
I shouldn’t, I try to ground, I wear my Pink Floyd shirt
I feel as if I got fat, I did, get fatter, I got an ass now I’m no longer skinny, I’m not sure if it is my fault or my age or my living conditions, I’m teaching less, running less, my knees hurt, I swim almost every day but I eat bread, I should not eat bread, I should eat less carbs more vegetables, green ones, not red, I will pay attention to it soon
should I publish what I write? my manic episodes, my mood swings
my hatred then love, my failing then trying, to do better next time?
yes, I should
if it is not for me, it is for others
but it is mostly for me, honestly
to open up, get better, find a way that works for me
by writing, it is my writing it is, my writing
it is
And so it is
y eso es, Thank you
y namaste
may God be with me
in the wind, waves of time
effort, clouds, I feel it’s coming

