To The Pain.

I’ve already talked about vulnerability here. I’ve talked about how important it is, how brave and authentic it is to be vulnerable. We should all be more open with being vulnerable! I feel like I talk about it and write about it endlessly. If vulnerability was a rockstar, I’d be it’s biggest groupie, seeing every single show, owning all of the merchandise, even that shitty poster.

I haven’t yet talked about the downside to being vulnerable. The Pain. I capitalise this term, because I see it in the way they talk about the pain in the story The Princess Bride.

Westley: To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. 
Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight. 
Westley: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right. 
Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let’s get on with it. 
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

Freakish. Misery. Forever. Very dramatic. I’m sure everyone has felt that they’ve had several things cut out when someone they’ve loved, with their whole heart, has not felt the same in return. It is dramatic. We invest so much energy and feelings and hopes and dreams into the idea of “us”. It does feel like a blow to have that image shattered. It does feel like an empty mouth, devoid of tongue, and a judgement from others who care to look upon you. It feels like shame that others can see.

Yes, I loved with all my heart. I tried. I tried and it did not work out. Am I less just because I trusted someone with this little heart? I don’t think so. Is it so shameful to have loved and not been loved in return? I cannot believe that.

I think I am much more because of that very thing. I’ve loved with a whole heart, because I can do no other way. The Pain does cause me to weep constantly on a plane home and it does make me stay in bed for the entire day, sometimes feeling like death could be relief from feeling this. But The Pain also reminds me that I’m alive and that I have the capacity for such love for another person. I am proud to be someone who loves fully and without restriction. I cannot love with strings attached. The Pain shows me that I have a healthy sense of self-worth. I can put myself out there and risk the hideous disfigurement of heartbreak because I believe I am worthy of love, deep down. I will do this again, because no matter how many times I feel The Pain, I know that something good is out there in the place of The Pain.

I tried. I tried and that’s all I can ask of myself. I gave it my all. I have no regrets. I gave myself entirely and there’s nothing more authentic and genuine.

I’m not sure I am quite ready for the next stop on the Vulnerability tour right now. But I know I will be. I’m a die-hard fan after all. No, not die-hard. To The Pain.