When Tomorrow Comes
What would you regret?
One of my favourite poems when I was younger, was actually an eulogy. I found it in Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul (yes, I loved the Chicken Soup series… it contributed a large part to my ability to empathize) and it starts like this:
“When tomorrow starts without me,
And I am not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn’t get to say.”
For some reason, reading this back then, evoked such strong feelings of regret. I don’t know what I had to regret back then, considering I was like… 10, or 11, but it just did, and that regret — that bitter feeling, has haunted me like a dog with a proverbial bone.
Mary E. Pearson wrote, “Regret is a lonely companion. Its hands are cold, its words empty. It whispers what could’ve been”, I don’t think anyone else has managed to capture regret quite like her in Scribbler of Dreams.
Regret is such a funny thing. As is empathy. They are all things that we feel — often without knowing. There is no need for why, no need for explanations. Some things simply are.
I like to say that if tomorrow comes, and I’m no longer here, I’ll die happy. Everything that I’ve ever wanted to do, I’ve done. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, the soul-wrenching… Check, check and checked. Needless to say, I’ve regretted a lot of things. I’ve felt badly, I’ve sympathized, I’ve hurt with…
I’ve also lived.
Genuinely lived. Gut-wrenchingly, painfully, blindingly happily lived. I have curled up in an armchair with a good book, I have written thousands of poems, partied on a yacht, travelled the world, left home, fallen in love, fallen out of love, ad infinitum: clichés.
I have lived a life that is mine. Lots of regrets, lots of wishing for do-overs, but when push comes to shove… I wouldn’t change a single decision. I wouldn’t change the drunkenly puking out of a cab window, waking up in a hospital with no idea how I got there, breaking off an engagement, moving to a new city, fighting with my best friend, starting my own business… I wouldn’t change any of the things that threatened to break me.
This life is mine. Heartbreakingly, wonderfully mine. So if I were to die, I would leave without a second thought. I have done everything I’ve ever wanted, gone ahead with whatever and to wherever, and made lemon meringue with everything Life has thrown at me. Can you say the same?
If not, why?
Why aren’t you living the Life you want? You only get this one chance at it, so why the hell not?
