When you learn
OK yes, you will fuck up.
You learn that as you get older.
With every bad decision, every bittersweet goodbye, you learn.
You learn that grief doesn’t just change you — it obliterates you, provides you with a new beginning to either flounder or flourish.
You learn that not everyone needs to forgive you.
You are owed neither understanding, nor second chances.
You learn that you can be a hurricane of destruction, tearing someone else’s life asunder. You are, occasionally, the villain. You can get sloppy drunk and sad drunk, you can make messed up decisions when you’re feeling down in the pits, you can give up when you absolutely should’ve just kept fighting for them…
You are not a one-dimensional hero.
You are not entitled forgiveness, but you can earn it.
You will earn it through the understanding and bone-deep, ball-breaking realization that Life leaves you lessoned.
You will learn that your resilience has no boundaries.
Through every major setback, every half-hearted attempt, past every finish line you never expected to cross… You have always endured. Always persevered. You have bounced back from every set back and monumental fuck up, and what you will (ultimately) learn, is to stop sabotaging yourself.
You will learn to accept that you deserve good things too.
You will learn how to accept the forgiveness that others bestow upon you.
It begins by acknowledging that not everyone is fundamentally afraid of having happiness ripped away from them.
You will learn by looking within yourself. Deep into the jungles of your intricate beliefs and intrinsic values. When you begin questioning why you react the way you do, act the way you do, and make the decisions that you do…
That’s when you learn the square root of who you are; some total value of self.
It begins by accepting that you are allowed* to vindicate your justifications, instead of tamping down your regrets. It begins by saying sorry with your actions, instead of words. It is acquired when you walk by your haters with your head held high, and instead of demanding apologies from them, or shoving your apologies down their throats, you walk past with a smile.
You deny them the pleasure of getting to you.
(*Allowed because we are our harshest critics. We live in an era of “imposter syndrome”. We need to allow ourselves to accept things, like simply being happy. )
Everyone hurts, everyone fucks up, everyone makes mistakes. Some mistakes are embarassing — like puking on someone you like — others, may cost lives. You are not entitled forgiveness from others, but you are entitled your lessons. You are allowed to learn, to grow and to change.
You are entitled a new slate.
You owe it to yourself to accept your changes. You owe it to yourself, and no one else. You are not the villain or the hero. You are not, merely, a fleshed out character. You are blood and bones and sweat and tears.
You are your journey.
You are your mistakes.
You will learn that Life leaves you lessoned, and that, is when you will learn.
