19. Bad Christian
There was a time in college where I was working too many jobs, and it was taking a toll on my school work, my sleep and my health. I knew I had to quit something.
But I had responsibilities, and I was paying my way through college. I felt guilty walking away from a job and paycheck.
I talked about how I felt with a priest. That makes it sound like I went to Mass or confession, which wasn’t at all the case. We were just walking in the same direction and making small talk. This was Marquette University, where Jesuits live on campus and become friends with students.
I told him that I felt guilt over quitting. I’ll never forget his response.
“Ah, fuck it,” he said, waving his hand dismissively.
He said that humorously but he was serious that I had to take care of myself. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
The idea that a priest could be real and, yes, even use vulgar language was a revelation.
I grew up in churches and attended Lutheran grade school where everyone loved to talk about how they were sinners and fell short of God’s expectations. They said they were “fallen” people.
That was in theory. In practice, they did everything they could to show others they were righteous God-fearing churchgoers.
I think it’s just human nature to try to keep up appearances and put on the best face for the public. But in a religious community, there might be more pressure because God’s judgment and all that.
I had a flashback to this phenomenon from my childhood when I stumbled upon the Bad Christian podcast on Product Hunt. I’ll admit I was somewhat skeptical when I read the description from their Facebook page:
Bad Christian exists to be open and honest about who we really are and to encourage you to do the same in your communities. We (you and I) seem a bit too concerned with managing our images and trying to be ‘good Christians,’ whereas the Bible is honest and transparent about how messed up we really are… We feel called to expose our own sin and expose the fact that Christians everywhere are hiding their sin and giving modern Christianity a bad name, turning many away who label us as hypocrites and liars.
I’ve heard that line before. Do you struggle with anger when hearing unbelievers take the Lord’s name in vain? Being a good Christian must be so hard!
But I tried to listen with an open mind. I didn’t do much background research, I just dove in. All I knew was that it was hosted by three guys with Southern drawls: Matt, Toby and Joey. It sounds like at least one of them is a pastor. Maybe all of them are?
I scrolled through episodes with titles like “Toby says the F word 15 times on stage,” “Is the church a business?” and “The depressed pastor.” I opted for closer to home and listened to their live show recorded in Milwaukee.
At times, I thought the schtick felt a bit forced. When they mentioned sex it was often included in the phrase “sex with my wife.” Got it, you’re cool with sex but want to make it clear that you’re not non-marital fornicators. They used variations of the word “shit” so often I wasn’t sure if that’s naturally how they speak or if they were trying too hard to keep it real.
Then I thought that maybe I was too critical because of their subject matter. I was holding them to an impossibly high standard much like the Old Testament. Did I dissect the language of secular podcasts that closely? Probably not.
As I continued to listen, I felt they were trying their best to be open and honest. My favorite part was when one of the hosts talked about why he would rather be sponsored by an underwear site with hot, nearly-naked models (they are in fact sponsored by MeUndies.com) than a Christian book he didn’t like.
The difference, he said, is being sponsored by a Christian book might make him look like a “better” Christian. But then, he would be putting on a false front.
Then another host told the story of growing up in a very conservative church where smoking and alcohol were considered sinful. This led his mom to hide a smoking habit from her kids — for 25 years.
Here’s the story from one of the hosts (I still don’t know which one):
My brother was 25 or 26 and had gone down to visit my mom. They visted a bar and he ordered a beer, which was still kind of taboo. But my parents had divorced and so things had gotten looser and looser and looser. Family fell apart and all this stuff. My brother was sitting there and said, “Mom I got to tell you something. Whenever I drink a beer, I smoke.” And she said, “Me too.” And she pulled out two cigarettes.
Smoking is bad, but she was never going to get help for it because she could never tell anybody. They were her escape from the bullshit conservative stuff… I knew she was smoking because there were little clues here and there. And it made me think, it must be worth it. I need to smoke. If you go to all that trouble to hide alcohol, or to hide sex, or hide drugs, it must be so damn worth it. So by the time I was 18, I thought, shit, I’m going to hell anyway, hell looks fun. Give me a beer. Let’s smoke a joint.
As you can tell from this story, the cognitive dissonance of trying to project a perfect public image while you’re struggling privately has corrosive effects. It was only after their family fell apart that they had the freedom to be honest with each other.
At its core, the mission of Bad Christian speaks to me. I felt myself identifying with the hosts and agreeing with their approach.
But I don’t think it’s just about religion. I think it’s bigger than that.
I think Bad Christian addresses the human need to be vulnerable and show your authentic self. It’s about being real and raw. It’s about allowing others to see your flaws, whether you call that sin or something else.
That’s much harder than it sounds. It’s not easy to say, I fucked up.
But sometimes you just have to say, fuck it.
