The awakening

The rays of sun trickled in through the blinds, golden wisps of light dancing down to gently caress soft glowing skin. They wound together to create a halo of ethereal beauty. Consciousness had not yet caught up to her, the sandman’s dream work still at play; it was peaceful watching her chest rise and fall steadily. The action seemed almost choreographed to follow along with the gentle hum of mother nature’s lullaby. As she slept, fingers grazed across her exposed skin from the other side of their cozy nest. Pillows and blankets formed soft barriers between the two bodies and the world around them.

There was a movement that took place, made ever-so-gently, careful not to cause too much a disturbance. Lips were gently brushed against a warm forehead, leaving a tingling sensation of something whimsical and pure.

“Good morning, princess,” a voice teased.

Soft laughter rumbled through the chest of the newly woken woman, accompanied by a smile brighter than the very sun that illuminated her.

“Mm. Good morning to you too,”

Their eyes met, and even the warmth provided by the summer’s dawn simply couldn’t compare to what the couple shared in a single look.

“I-”

The words escaped her, her mind a jumble of thoughts and feelings whizzing past too quick for her to catch and vocalize. The euphoria that she had awoken with began to dissipate as her sleep-hazed mind caught up with her. Within moments a pit had formed in her stomach, nausea befalling her like a wave. This wasn’t right.

That was when the morning itself shifted. From a serene and warm golden bliss, to a troubled whirlwind, nothing but turmoil. A jolt of panic propelled her into an upright position and she began scrambling to untangle her limbs from the bed sheets.

“Briar- Briar, wait.”

With a swift motion she was blocked by another body, the two standing now, face to face.

“Alex, I can’t!”

“Can’t or won’t?”

The challenge was enough to make her freeze. She opened her mouth and yet for the second time, she just couldn’t seem to make the words. Her throat constricted against her will and the familiar burn behind her eyes warned of tears to come.

“You know how hard this is for me, Al,” she found herself whispering, begging to be understood.

“I do. But it doesn’t have to be.”

Hands reached out and took her own, fingers lacing together as if that were where they belonged.

A harsh sob wracked her body, shaking her to her core. It was a nearly animalistic sound. Tears began to pour down her face, and she gave up holding back.

“It’s not fair!”

The young woman was instantly pulled into the embrace of her best friend and held tightly, swaddled in arms she knew deep down were where she belonged.

“You’re right. It’s not fair. It’s bullshit and it’s fucked up that your own mind would make you feel…” There was a hesitation as Alex seemed to search for the right thing to say next.

“Cursed?”

This startled a huff of dry laughter from both parties. Of course, there was nothing funny about the situation, but tension seemed to ease up at the offer of such an outlandish suggestion. However that, in turn, was the issue, for Briar did feel cursed. Cursed with the thoughts- monsters, really, that lived inside her. Self doubt, self hatred and the inability to accept herself as she was.

“Bri, you aren’t cursed just because you fell in love with me.”

There it was, the truth behind it all.

“I’m not in love with you Alex,” even as she said it, it felt wrong.

“Really?” With another step their faces were mere inches away. “Because last night my best friend showed up at my apartment, an absolute mess. She told me there was something wrong with her. That she was having strange feelings for someone close to her. Feelings she thinks she shouldn’t be allowed to have. She never said for who, but it didn’t take much to figure it out. And guess what?”

Leaning forward, lips brushing softly against her ear, a sentence she’d only dreamed of hearing was spoken.

“I’m in love with you, too.”

The tears had returned with a vengeance, cascading down her cheeks. “But it’s wrong… to feel this way. It’s-it’s not right,” she whispered with a shake of her head.

Alex only smiled. It was a sad smile. A smile that had gone through something similar if not, nearly the same. “Why? Because I’m Alexandra and not Alexander?”

The two women stared at each other, a silence loud enough to make ears bleed settling heavily between them. Years of repressed feelings and internalized homophobia, coming to light. It was the bane of their existence, the one thing that brought it all to a screeching halt.

It wasn’t Briar’s fault, Alex knew this deep down. However, she couldn’t deny there was a frustration inside herself she needed to acknowledge as well. The pair had grown up together. They knew each other better than the moon knew the stars on a clear night, when crickets sang a wordless melody and the owl harmonized.

“It’s not right.”

A monster poked out it’s ugly head for the second time that morning. This one was a monster that had been repeated constantly over the years. A broken record, stuck on that same annoying tune which refused to cease it’s incessant spew of utter nonsense.

“So you keep saying. But why?” Alex’s eyes bore into Briar’s with an intensity unmatched. She was determined, and when Alex set her mind to something, it got done. There was no stopping her, especially when it came to fighting for the ones she loved.

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

The admission was quiet, spoken with a quiver as everything she’d been conditioned to believe was being actively questioned out loud for the first time. It was the oldest story in the book. The one that claimed homosexuality was a flaw of nature going against the order of the world and that there were consequences for acting upon those impure thoughts.

“Listen to me, Bri,” Alex began, her voice a comforting sound to a troubled ear. “There is nothing wrong with love, and you are not broken.”

There was a tug and a pull inside of her, leaving a strain on the very core of herself. A most abhorrent game of tug of war was at hand, and there was nothing more she wished than for it to end. The thoughts buzzed like flies around a rotting carcass- persistent, obnoxious and cruel.

“You’re letting your family down.”

“The consequences of unnatural feelings will hurt both you and Alex.”

“You’ll ruin the only true friendship you’ve managed to hold onto for this long.”

“There is no such thing as romantic feelings for the same gender, you’re just confused.”

There was a hollow feeling in her chest as those monsters and more seemed to drown her. It was a familiar weight that pushed down to suffocate, squeezing the life from her soul until suddenly it was hard to breath.

“Briar, Bri, look at me, focus on me.”

Soothingly cool hands guided her to take a seat on the bed. Alex took her wrist and placed Briar’s hand palm down over her heart. It was a maneuver that they’d practiced before. Briar needed the feel, the rhythm of that thump thump thumping to bring her back to being grounded. Their gazes were fixed onto each other, breaths syncing to match until the pesky pestilential monsters had finally quieted.

With slow movements, Alex reached up to cup Briar’s cheek.

“I know this is a lot to deal with, and I want you to know I will never push you or pressure you into anything you are not prepared for. I’ll be right by your side to help however I can because, I’ll say it again. I love you.”

Those three words shouldn’t have had such an impact, and yet Briar was yearning to hear them over and over. This was that true honest to goodness romantic love that she craved and feared all at the same time.

“Say it one more time?”

Briar’s request surprised them both, and for a moment she hadn’t exactly registered the words to be her own. She wanted to hear it though. She needed to hear it over and over, the same way she needed oxygen to survive. Because how could something that was supposedly so wrong feel so right?

Alex’s eyes were filled with nothing but warmth and understanding as a grin crossed her face. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I. Love. You.” She had never uttered anything more true. “Bri, I will say it until I’m fucking blue in the face.”

A wet laugh escaped Briar at that. Alex had always had that affect on her, no matter how dire the situation, no matter how stupid the joke. It was just one of the ever growing list of reasons that Briar had fallen for her. Because she had. As difficult as it was to admit deep down inside, she knew, and she suspected had known for quite some time.

“I…There’s something I want you to try,” she whispered.

Fear gripped her in one foul swoop, it’s taunting hiss telling her to run from this. To run from acceptance and from love, but she was tired. So, so, tired of running and denying herself the happiness she deserved. It was time to be brave.

“Anything,” Alex replied quickly, her thumb grazing the back of Briar’s hand in a comforting touch of intimacy.

Silence wrapped it’s heavy reach around the room, the briefest of hesitations was enough for Alex to see the anxiety emanating from Briar.

“You don’t have to ask for something you’re not ready for, Bri, remember.”

“I know. I know,” another pause. “But I want this. I want… you. Why is saying that out loud so fucking hard?”

“Because you’ve been denying this part of yourself for a long time Bri. It’s understandable. We can go as slow as you need, I’m not going anywhere,” it was a promise that Alex intended to keep.

“I want you to kiss me.”

It was out in the open now, Briar couldn’t take it back. The monsters wanted her to. That same doubt and self hatred wished for nothing more than to suck that sentence back inside and tuck it away into the crevices of her mind, never to be dug out again.

“Briar,” Alex began slowly, brows creased together. “Are you sure? You’re in a very vulnerable place right now. As much as I want to kiss you, I need to be sure you are comfortable and ready.”

The monsters thrashed, adding to their cruel mantras.

“This is against what you’ve been taught.”

“Different is bad, why aren’t you normal?”

“If you kiss her you’ll damn the both of you.”

In. Out. In… and, out again. Breathing through the struggle, Briar set her jaw, meeting that warm comforting gaze she loved with just about every single part of herself.

“I’m ready. I’m afraid… but I know what I want. It’s hard but you make it easier. You make me feel less like I’m cursed.”

A sly little smirk formed on Alex’s lips. “I see what this is. You want one of those fairy tale kisses to break your so called curse hm? Damn. You really are a hopeless romantic- emphasis on hopeless,” she teased, throwing in a wink for good measure.

The sound that escaped Briar was something akin to a dying seagull, and she was sure her face was on fire. “I am not!” She squeaked, however it was clear she was not about to convince Alex, or even herself, for that matter.

“I knew I called you princess for a reason,” Alex continued before growing serious once more. “You’re sure you’re ready?” she asked yet again- as much of a jokester as she was, Alex was one of the purest and most compassionate souls Briar had ever encountered.

The monsters had begun to stir again and whisper in her head, but she ignored them, focusing on Alex with a nod of confirmation.

“Yes. Because I love you too.”

Overcome with excitement at the confession finally being voiced, Alex leaned forward and closed the space between them. The sensation was intoxicating and as soon as they kissed, the monsters vanished. It was overwhelming in the best way possible, and in that single moment Briar knew that this was right. This was beautiful and sacred, and although it would take some time to fully accept herself, everything was going to be okay.