#18: House moving: mental test in disguise
I have been pretty slack on this project of late, as we’ve been busy with house moving. While it wasn’t as stressful as I had imagined it to be, I had less rest time as usual. We took our time to transport our possessions via luggage bags over the course of a week. This is simple enough for the average person, but I usually need a day of rest for every day I step out of the house. Yes, stepping out of the house for two hours is an active day for me. I schedule spaces between appointments whenever possible, but there was none for these two weeks.
My partner was and is a gracious person. He did 80% of the work even though he still had a nine to five job. But even helping out a mere 20% proved taxing for my body, as I was out of action for the next two weeks. I wasn’t even doing the heavy lifting or strenuous chores! I handled most of the communication and appointments, and made those evening luggage transfers with my partner. That was it, nothing much at all. I suppose being in the midst of medicine changes and having my period didn’t help either. I tried not to feel bad about it, but I admit to feeling disappointed that I couldn’t even handle such minor tasks. And I wasn’t even that unwell to begin with. I mean, I have been in worse physical conditions before. It was a more trying time for me than my partner — he didn’t seem stressed and didn’t blame me in the slightest ;)
So there I was, lying in bed watching him buzz about like a bee. Dismantling heavy shelves, mopping up, scrubbing the tub. Ever so often the crunchy sound of pulled packing tape would fill the air, as he sealed another box. While I have accepted that I will always be weaker than most people, and that I have less to offer in a physical capacity, I didn’t feel any better. My limited limits were even less than what I had imagined for myself! Have I become so soft and weak? Have I become too dependent and reliant? Is my endurance level no longer existent? To sum it up, the whole moving experience was a mental exercise as much as it was a physical one.
Unfortunately I don’t have anything insightful for you here, on how I could have handled it better. The thing is, both you and I already know that stress never did anyone any good. The many self-care articles I’ve read didn’t make me feel any better. I knew what the right response is in my head, yet my heart couldn’t help but feel fear, anxiety, worry and guilt.
Now that things have settled down a little, I realise that the medications I was changing did play a role. But I have also strayed from a certain practice, and need to find my way to the right path (yet again!). The concept of being kind is simple, yet I find it difficult to do. Both towards others, and also myself. I am very black and white, and quick to judge. This impacts human relationships because I shut the doors too quickly. It is also toxic for my own wellbeing. I will explore the concept of ‘kindness’ in another post, but I believe that the key to being a successful human being lies therein.
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