How an abusive relationship almost killed me
There is something weird about abusive relations…
I am in a middle of a divorce now, after 2 years of marriage we found out that we are not meant to be together (BS).
The weird and sad part is that I was in an abusive relationship and it took me a very long time to see that.
We were together and happy, and then suddenly he didn't love me anymore and wanted divorce, and then he started not talking to me…
Do you know how it feels to talk to a person and the person doesn't even move, look at you or have any reaction at all? I tell you how it feels…like you are loosing your mind!
I started questioning if I was actually talking or just thinking stuff…I started to get confused about having conversations since he didn't have any reaction to what I was saying…at all!
But after all that, he was loving and caring…
Can you imagine being in an emotional roller-coaster without a security belt? That was me!
It was a circle of love-not love-humiliation-ignoring me-love (repeat…) and that was driving me insane.
In the end I started to think that I was not a “love worth” person and that was all that I deserved…small crumbs of love…and that he was almost doing a favor to be with me.
That was the beginning of a fall in depression, fall in my academic development, fall in my human relations…
I was embarrassed of myself. I didn't love myself anymore. I had nothing left but sadness.
Being really honest? I thought of suicide. I made a plan. I scared my best friend. She could easily see how fast and deep I was falling and was screaming for me to get out of this toxic relation but believe me, sometimes you cannot see that.
I thought “oh he is like that”, “that is his way of showing love”… I was fooling myself and trying to fool others.
Now, you can think what made me see the light…I saw the light when my grandmother died November last year. Having death so suddenly, so close and to a person that I loved more than everything was hard and cruel. But! It made me rethink my whole life and decisions. Made me see what was actually happening to me.
Lessons learnt: don´t let anybody treat you like trash or make you feel like you are not worth of love. Sounds something easy to learn, right? No, not that easy, I learnt the hard way.
I´m rebuilding my self esteem now and I´m quite positive about my future. I will leave this relation stronger and to be honest …I hope he also had lessons learnt on how to be a better person…
