121 Days of Star Wars

Minute 7:00 of 121:00

Last time on Star Wars, the Princess gave Artoo a copy of the Death Star plans (now available on Laserdisc), Threepio was in a rush, and Vader was milking (i.e. strangling) the captain for information.

As for this seventh minute of Star Wars, Stormtroopers use a setting other than “kill” and it seems far more effective, the droids find an escape route, and Vader finally finishes his question…

“If this is a consular ship,” he asked at the end of minute 6:00, “where is the ambassador?”

This begs a separate question. What exactly is Leia? We know she’s a princess, but I’d been under the impression that she served her planet as senator. Is she also an ambassador? If so, then an ambassador to what? Her planet gets direct representation in the Imperial Senate, doesn’t it? It’s close enough to the capitol. Maybe Captain Antilles doesn’t know what a consular ship is. Vader answers this thought when he tosses the captain aside like he’s a human who doesn’t know what a consular ship is. Lord Vader then commands his troops to tear the ship apart looking for plans and unchoked passengers.

Cut to the boiler room, where Leia is still lurking, badly hiding behind an exhaust pipe.

And we can see her feet. It’s a worse hiding spot than this:

The stormtroopers pick her out right away. It’s a shame her dress makes her look like a woman and not an engine. “There’s one. Set for stun.”

Of course, she takes one out, no problem.

Let’s imagine the rough cut of Star Wars included this sound effect:

The Stormtroopers don’t seem to give a shit that this bra-less traitor just murdered their own buddy. In all fairness, we don’t either, but that’s probably because we never got to see him talking about how he was going to marry his girlfriend back on Sullust when this was all over. Hey, maybe he was a real jerk. To Leia, they’re just faceless drones and, with one down, she can only saunter two steps away before getting stunned by a circular blue ray.

This blue stun ray has so wide a range it covers the entire screen. Why don’t Stormtroopers use this setting more often?! They’re chasing people around a Death Star for half of the movie, they don’t once think about spraying a room full of stun rays? Heck, they should’ve just gassed up the detention area, that would’ve kept countless soldiers out of harm’s way. Noobs.

To cap off the ignorance of these poor excuses for clones (although, they’re not all white men anymore #21stCentury #KaminoFeminist), the lead Stormtrooper doesn’t even check Leia’s vitals after she faceplants onto the cold, metal floor. “She’ll be alright. Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner.”

With the human cast neutralized, Artoo leads the charge for the nonhumans to get off the ship. Threepio, meanwhile, is committed to ruining any lead they may have on the advancing Stormtroopers. “You’re not permitted in there, you’ll be deactivated for sure,” he warns as R2-D2 hobbles toward an escape pod. Who’s going to deactivate them, their master? Threepio’s either an idiot or he’s a sadomasochist and wants to get captured. At this rate, he’d probably prefer being sent to Kessel over exerting any effort in escaping. Artoo beeps a “shut up” and opens the pod’s door with his spoon…

…He trots into the pod for comedic effect. Threepio resists but a laser bolt blasts right over his head and he gets in. “I’m going to regret this,” he says just to make his thoughts be known.

This guy is a “shut up judge” and either needs a robot therapist or a good buffing.

As Leia’s situation gets more dire, we cast our lot with the droids. They currently have the best chance for survival. Rating: B+.

Best Performance by an Actor: That Stormtrooper who gets shot — “pain is temporary, film is forever.”

Best Performance by an Actress: Leia, shooting like a tough heroine but still able to fall limply with grace.

Best Droid Move: R2-D2′s trotting.

Best R2-D2 Accessory: The mini-spatula.