How To Dominate Your Office Bracket
It’s March Madness, which means people are pretending like they watched College Basketball all year, so join the fun.
The NCAA March Madness tournament is a super cool way to get the whole nation interested in the sport of exploiting student athletes for phenomenal financial gain without really offering them anything in return whatsoever… I mean, in the sport of college basketball. And if you can get past certain moral objections, you are going to witness some of the best basketball of the year played by future LeBron’s, Curry’s and that one guy who played in five different countries over 10 years, still made a decent amount of money and now has a job with his four year degree. It’s a fun time to be a basketball fan.
With March Madness comes yet another intriguing aspect of watching sports — gambling. And I am not saying the kind of destructive gambling that Charles Barkley still keeps quiet about, but the innocuous kind where Sheryl from financing has been by your desk 3 times today asking for that $10 for the office pool. Winning your office bracket is based entirely on the assumption that you have watched at least moderately more college basketball this year than most of your coworkers (likely, even if you watched just the highlights), have more free time than your coworkers to explore expert brackets (possible), have actually followed a team/player through the year (50/50), know a significant amount about the college game (unlikely). Everyone starts out with even odds and then somehow Ryan from accounting always picks the right Seed 14 to upset seed 3 (hint, it’s not Kent State this year). So how do you get the upper hand on Ryan and Sheryl?
Read the Experts
“Michigan State are primed for a deep run in this, the year of 2016.” — Everyone
You can watch all the college basketball ever played, dive into statistical analysis, practice watching a game from different geometrical perspectives and do all the necessary research. And still Middle Tennessee can win over Michigan State effectively declaring a state of emergency across the country. Most experts had Michigan State due for a deep run last year until they hit a wall… in the first round… at full speed… and crashed out of the front window not wearing a seat-belt. The point is, listening to the experts has a certain added benefit. Look, you can’t spend your evenings both half-watching Steph Curry so you can talk to your coworkers about how you fully watched Steph Curry using only plays you saw on the highlights AND watch college basketball. You don’t have that kind of commitment. The experts do, and while not 100% correct, they can give you the upper hand… Unless they tell you to pick Michigan State over Middle Tennessee, then they owe you some money.
Go With Your Gut
“I don’t know, I just get good vibes about Rhode Island.” — Susan from Marketing.
Sometimes you watch just enough college basketball to get by on selection Sunday and feel confident going in, but then you look at a bracket and a premonition will hit you in the face Final Destination style. This one team, they must be the one to at least go two rounds further than expected. It’s a surefire guarantee that it will happen to them this year, most definitely this year. Get in, get out, get your feel good team now.
Don’t Listen To Nate Silver
“I can most certainly guarantee that the winner of this election will be either Hillary Rhodam Clinton or Donald J. Trump” — Nate Silver, November 6, 2016… Probably.
As the whole of 2016 adequately proven math and statistics ain’t got shit on the randomly generated cruelness of the Universe. No event drove that point home than the election itself where math and projections failed us spectacularly. If there is any one particular lesson to be taken away from this entire ordeal is that Nate Silver is absolutely to not be ever trusted in a crisis. Not even in a slight inconvenience. Google Nate Silver’s bracket… Then do the exact opposite.
Don’t Pick More Than One 14th Seed
“There’s going to be at least one upset this year, I know it” — Aaron from Payroll
Look, I get it, the most exciting NCAA moments happen when there is a significant upset. And hey, watching the ensuing mayhem as half the office burns their bracket (if you can ignore the sound of the fire alarm) is at least moderately entertaining. But seeding works the way it does for a reason, it institutes a hierarchical ranking based on success level and skill. It’s almost as if what Nate Silver has tried to do, but an actual working version of it. Yes, this year’s selection was a little suspect, but it still has teams generally where they need to be. Except for Middle Tennessee, because I learned this lesson last year and seriously just pick Middle Tennessee and that way we can both cry when they lose in the first round.
What I’m saying is, don’t hedge your bets on multiple upsets. Sure you’ll feel smart when Wichita State (10) beats Dayton (7), but you’re also going to feel like an idiot when Oregon (3) tramples Iona (14) like they’re supposed to.
Don’t Get Caught Up In Big Names
“Lonzo Ball will revolutionize basketball” — LaVar Ball, assisted by hallucinogens
Sure, John Calipari has built his reputation by sprinkling college basketball player catnip over the Kentucky program and has jettisoned more young men into the draft than the U.S. Army in the last couple of centuries, but for the most part, fascination with big names can backfire. Where the games are fewer and far in between and opponents are on stretches trips it’s a little harder to prepare for the battle ahead. In the NCAA everything is magnified. Everyone going to battle against UCLA knows what to expect from Lonzo Ball and to try and slow down the pace. I don’t think Kent State is the team to do it, but I’m saying Wichita State might.
If a team has led their entire college existence on performance and well-being of one individual over a whole, in March, they’re one bad game from that person away from exiting the tournament. Kind of like the Warriors and Steph Curry in Game 7 of 2016 NBA Finals.
Pick Higher Seeds
“Duke is good” — D’UH
High seeds are high seeds for a reason. They’re exceptional teams with exceptional players who have had exceptional seasons. Brackets for any sport knock-out are specifically designed to give the better team a higher chance of going further thus setting up a showdown between a team that’s just as good. Everything else is a participation model. Don’t expect a myriad of upsets and unpredictable games. In most cases, talent generally prevails and talent resides in the top seeds.
Okay, get it? Got it? Good. Now, write it all down and fill out your bracket. Don’t worry. I’ll wait.
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Okay, done? Good. Now take that bracket and burn it because by the time the first round is over and FGCU just beat Florida State and we’re about to burn it all down.
