Playoff Roulette
Not all teams make it to the Playoffs and not all teams make it all the way through. So you have to pick wisely.
The NBA Playoffs are upon us and with their impending arrival many fans face a very peculiar dilemma. Who do you root for when your team doesn’t make it (or when you know your team isn’t good enough to make it out of the first round)? Or do you instead succumb to America’s favorite past time and root against someone as opposed to for them?
The Playoffs are weird because if your team makes you’re still facing the possibility of them being one of the 15 participation trophy recipients. If it doesn’t, you get to assume a status of a neutral supporter (which isn’t fun in the slightest, it’s like playing anything just for fun) or style yourself an incognito secret agent penetrating an opposing fan base. That’s way more fun.
There is a lot to consider when picking an alternative team to root for. Do you want to be viewed as a bandwagon fan? Do you care? Are you from Sacramento but already own a Steph Curry jersey purchased no later than 2 years ago? What are your feelings on mathematical probabilities of upsets? Do you simply like being right. First, I recommend you take a complex personality quiz, like the one penned by one Shea Serrano recently, then come talk to me and we’ll sort you out.
Tier V: Agents Of Chaos
Teams: Oklahoma City Thunder, Portland Trail Blazers, Miami Heat, Memphis Grizzlies
How do you know it’s the right team for you? You like to watch the world burn.
How do you know it’s not? You want your new choice to have a reasonable chance to progress past the first round.
The fourth tier is all about chaos and uncertainty. Well, that’s not true. You certainly know these teams are unlikely to make it into the second round. Like any good theory (see Relativity, Theory) this has one big constant against which to measure itself. Other than that, everything is in play.
The NBA Playoffs are supposed to be about excitement, unpredictability and the terrible dread of possibly losing home court advantage on a bad night. It’s about Russell Westbrook assuming his final Power Ranger form and asking Adam Silver if he can play 5-on-1 because the shackles of the NBA rule book are holding him back. He’d only be allowed one teammate to run onto the court whenever he needed assists, so overall not too different from the way the game plays out now.
What makes these teams exciting to root for is they are all capable of spectacular and visually mesmerizing moments, which don’t even have to be basketball related. You tell me if Jusuf Nurkic wouldn’t just challenge someone to one-on-one combat in a middle of a 15 point loss to just settle the score center court. I feel like he would. I definitely have no trouble picturing it. Between him Lillard and McCollum, this Blazers team can get hot in a hurry and insert some buckets (and elbows into a match). The Grizzlies reserve the right to play in a manner that makes you wonder if you didn’t just accidentally switch to the WWE Channel and Miami Heat have Dion “I GET SO MANY BUCKETS AND BUCKETS DON’T LIE” Waiters.
I’m not even going to talk about Russell Westbrook either because I expect him to play every game of these playoffs like his life depends on it. Like someone has his closest relatives tied up in the back with a gun to their head and if Russell can’t dunk on every single person in the building then they’ll get hurt. Imagine if Oklahoma loses 4 straight against a top tier team but then when everyone goes to leave… the arena is locked. Chained from outside. Russell Westbrook hates to lose.
Tier IV: Good Vibes
Teams: Milwaukee Bucks, Denver Nuggets, Atlanta Hawks, Indiana Pacers
How do you know it’s the right team for you? You’ve always liked things before they were popular. You had at least two 14 over 3 seeds in your March Madness bracket.
How do you know it’s not? You can rationally grade a talent curve to see where it peaks.
If you squint hard enough you can see one of these teams pulling off an upset except that it’s year 2019 and you squinted so hard that you astral projected yourself into the future. These teams aren’t actually THAT bad but if you were to plot the modern NBA hierarchy you’d probably find them in the middle, minding their own business and staying in their own lane.
You don’t want to seem like you’re chasing the title winning team and you actually watched basketball. You managed to pronounce Giannis Antetokounmpo at least once without needing to Google. You’ve tuned into Denver Nuggets games just to see Nicola Jokic play because his basketball is very pretty. By the same token you do not expect instant success and have settled for the ‘Long Con’. You’re the Danny Ocean of basketball fans, taking the long road to three years from now where you will be able to turn to someone and say “see, I told you Myles Turner was THAT good.” You’re definitely Ravenclaw.
Tier III: The Upset Factor
Teams: Utah Jazz, Toronto Raptors, Washington Wizards, Los Angeles Clippers, Boston Celtics
How do you know it’s the right team for you? You have a poster of Gordon Hayward on your wall and have been telling people about Utah for three years. You definitely saw South Carolina getting to the Final Four because you watched at least 4 of their games outside of the tourney. You’re lukewarm on the Clippers.
How do you know it’s not? You get excited easily and don’t cope well with disappointment.
We’re getting warmer and closer to teams that may sustain your basketball habit well past the first round, even though they’re probably slated for a second round exit. Even still, some of these are even good enough to let you talk yourself into it. This is the Jazz’s year despite all indications pointing to proportional improvement over the years and this being their first Playoff appearance in a while. Gordon Hayward is too handsome to die on that hill. Seriously, how do I get Gordon Hayward to put a baby in me?
This is a solid pick if you don’t plan on watching a lot of players, but do enjoy being right on occasion. Every time your team wins you will resurface with a well timed “just wait and see” or even worse, an “I told you so,” just to go back to your hole when they inevitably lose. You should have a modicum of self-control as to not get carried away with unabashed enthusiasm because you realize your team is headed for an exit, albeit a delayed one. You’re okay with that however.
Tier II: Actual Contenders
Teams: Cleveland Cavaliers, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Rockets
How do you know it’s the right team for you? You like winning. You enjoy watching the best players in basketball put their team on their back and carry them to glory. You live outside of the Bay Area
How do you know it’s not? You’re still making LeBron James jokes in 2017 even though he’s basically the terminator built for basketball. You don’t accept coach Pop as your lawful father, even if you’re not blood related.
There was a time and a place when LeBron James was on the other side of the collective American Hate. Now that space is firmly occupied by Donald Trump and still to some extent by the Golden State Warriors when it comes to basketball. You recognize that the Warriors are good, perhaps even historically good. Perhaps even “what kind of parallel reality are we living that they’re allowed to have all these players on one team” good. But that doesn’t mean they can’t lose.
If you’re picking within this tier, then congratulations, you’ve managed to preserve at least a sliver of some sort of moral integrity that prevented you from going all to Tier I. You want to see your team win but aren’t willing to abandon all principle in the search of success. You want to graciously defer, you’re Bernie Sanders.
The best part is that you get to keep the hope alive. This year’s Golden State Warriors demonstrated that just like the T2000, they’re not entirely indestructible. The problem is finding enough molten lava to throw Kevin Durant into. The hope lives on and so do these teams.
Tier I: Welcome Back
Teams: Golden State Warriors
How do you know it’s the right team for you? You cheer for the New England Patriots. You’ve purchased a Warriors jersey in the last year and a half. You can’t name 5 players on a Warriors team that upset Dallas without Googling them.
How do you know it’s not? You’ve managed to maintain some sort of structural integrity to your character.
Welcome back, I hope the jersey that you put away so neatly last June still fits. It should.
The Warriors are one of the best teams in basketball and they happen to play beautiful basketball. It should be a delight to watch them play and to watch them win. Unfortunately, the Warriors still think they’re cutesy underdogs from a bygone era. I get that half the team constantly had a chip on their shoulder on their way here, but they have arrived long ago. They’re no longer fighting the good fight of the basketball proletariat. They are the elite. They’re expected to win. And yes, we’re rooting against them because everyone likes the underdog, don’t act surprised. Act like you’ve been here before, because you have. For two years.
