The NBA Playoffs First Round Drama-O-Meter
Tempers are running high. Excitement is building… unless you’re watching Atlanta take on Washington. It’s the NBA Playoffs.
Sports media thrives on narratives. Possibly because sport, in its essence, is a chaotic enterprise. So, we try to add some sort of structure or meaning to every game for it to make sense. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes a loss is a loss, a win is a win, and no external factors or passionate fandom play a role in what we witness. Sometimes, however, it is way more than that.
Emotional tension is what helps us get invested in a series. Sometimes it’s because we’re rooting for a team. Sometimes it’s because the team is traveling on a trajectory that is the pure definition of dramatic. Sometimes it’s because two narratives collide, and now we’re stuck talking about who the MVP should be for at least another seven games despite the fact that… enough, guys.
Anyways, here is how each series ranks on the emotional volatility scale in the opening round of the NBA Playoffs.
8. Washington Wizards vs Atlanta Hawks
Drama Level: Antarctica
We all tell little lies to get through life. You know, small, innocuous lies. One time, I told both my cousins that I didn’t have a favorite one and I liked them both equally when clearly that wasn’t true (it’s the girl, she’s smart, she’s going places, she’s my favorite). It’s the same way we tell the 16 teams competing in the NBA Playoffs that all of their match-ups matter, when they don’t. If I were to ask you to name all eight series, it may take you a minute or two to remember that Atlanta and Washington are in fact playing each other. The NBA is so aware of this fact that they bestowed upon it the 1 p.m. slot on the Sunday slate of games, otherwise known as the “don’t worry if you’re hungover, you won’t miss anything while this is in the background of you making greasy breakfast.”
The only way we can infuse some anger and emotional volatility into this series is if Markieff Morris comes out talking sideways about Migos (but realistically just Quavo) or something, or if Wale fights 2 Chainz.
7. Toronto Raptors vs. Milwaukee Bucks
Drama Level: Minor Greek Tragedy
The first game from Milwaukee should have imbued this series with some sort of emotional resonance, but unfortunately, it did not. Toronto Raptors playoff appearances are like the remake of Groundhog Day, except not funny. Bill Murray can’t actually change anything, so he is just stuck reliving the same sad day over and over and over again until the day he dies. Actually, that could possibly win an Oscar, so I need to write that one down.
The Raptors consistently enter the playoffs with renewed expectations from no one except for the rabid Toronto fan base, which is not known for what we would call “reasonable ambitions.” It’s tough being the only franchise in Canada in a city starved for success. It’s even harder when the fans only care when the Raptors are successful, so they’re always walking the edge of loosing fan support.
After two years of Jays playoff appearances, a slow start has all the “ride or die” fans selling their season tickets already. After not seeing a single Maple Leafs jersey for the past 10 years, I have witnessed a plethora per day. And now, the Raptors are under threat too. Over-perform or fail.
The problem is: they can’t. Milwaukee has the best player/mythical combination of limbs on the court. Their defensive rotations are tight, which prevents the Raptors from executing their favorite “give the ball to DeMar or Kyle and everyone else do nothing” offensive schemes. For stretches of the first game, the Raptors were rooted to the ground like the Terracotta Army. When they weren’t, they went out of their way to get in each other’s way. I’m fairly confident if Jonas Valanciunas was alone in the arena after everyone has left, he wouldn’t be able to find his way out.
So let’s get this out of the way. There is no emotional tension with the Raptors. Despite all the additions and feasible improvements, nothing changes the fact that Dwane Casey is not an offensive coach and that the Raptors have nothing left in their pocket other than giving to their two scorers and hoping something shakes out. Because when a team is built entirely out of octopus-like length, that shit stops working.
6. Los Angeles Clippers vs. Utah Jazz
Drama Level: B-Script Daytime TV Opera
There should be way more excitement around this series than there is, and at the time of conception of this article, it was. Since then, David Fizdale gave the kind of speech that makes me think if he asked me to pick up arms and storm Omaha beach, I’d lead the charge.
Still, there are narratives here that are hard to ignore. First, there is the world’s collective vitriol at Chris Paul, juxtaposed by the fact that he is currently one of the best players to never reach the Conference Finals, let alone the big ones. Then, there is the glee of Utah fans that feel like their team is finally getting both the success they deserve and the recognition that comes with it.
There are small tidbits of drama here. Will Doc Rivers finally start taking timeouts by proxy because his voice is gone? Will Chris Paul turn on Utah or on his own teammates first? How many more Iso Joe moments does Iso Joe have left in his pocket for the series? Is Gordon Hayward the prettiest man alive? For this and more, tune into the Clippers/Jazz series.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Indiana Pacers
Drama level: Scripted Reality TV
While everyone is wondering whether or not LeBron James would make a good basketball coach, I have an alternative suggestion. I think LeBron James would make a wonderful producer for a prime-time reality TV Drama, which I am sure is what you would get if you allowed 24/7 access to the Cavs throughout this season. James likes the narrative so much that every breathing moment not spent trying to insert himself in the middle of any conversation is a moment wasted. And still, this series lacks the gravitas of some of the LeBron James great All-Time series.
Sure, you can account for his battle vs. Paul George, which is something George is probably getting tired of (I’d go out West PG, too), but that’s not really enough. For there to be real tension, we truly have to believe that Indiana has a chance in hell of snatching this series from the Cavs. Judging from the first two games, they do not.
BUT, there is an X-Factor. When Lance Stephenson first blew in LeBron’s ear, I never wanted to see a flow-chart of someone’s thought process more than I did with Lance. I wanted to see what happened during his day that led him to the point of blowing air into his opponent’s ear in a very intimate fashion. Did he change up his breakfast diet that morning? Take a different way to work? At what point did he decide, irreversibly, that’s what he was going to do that night? Did he look at himself in the mirror, point and say “you’re going to blow in LeBron’s ear tonight?” These are all important questions I hope to get answered to fully understand the artist formerly known as “Born Ready.” I also kind of want to see if he does it again.
Pause. Breathe. Find your center. Okay? Ready? Let’s get to the real drama.
4. San Antonio Spurs vs. Memphis Grizzlies
Drama level: Cain vs. Abel
Yes, that’s a biblical reference, and yes, it is based entirely off the fact that the Gasol brothers are meeting in the playoffs. Before the start of the series, this is all that this match-up had going for it, realistically. The Grizzlies are shorthanded and are built specifically in the kind of way that is tailored to the Spurs running through them with minimal resistance. Pop’s team is built to exploit every visible weakness with surgical precision, and that is what they have done so far against the Grizz.
What made this series exciting is David Fizdale. God bless his soul. I think the city of Memphis should build him a statue that is a recreation of the soldiers raising the American Flag. Except this one has the Grizzlies logo on it, and Fizdale is the one lifting it. The city of Memphis should come together and pay double his fine to the NBA just so he can go on another one of those rants, this time pro-rate. The city of Memphis should organize a resistance movement and let Fizdale be its ideological leader. At the very least, I expect to see at least one shirt that says “Take That For Data” at the first Memphis home game. It’s what we truly deserve. David Fizdale single-handedly gave you a reason to watch these games.
3. Boston Celtics vs. Chicago Bulls
Drama Level: Gladiator Fight to The Death
I imagine that leading up to trade deadline, Jimmy Butler took one quick trip to Boston. He walked around the city, found a nice little neighborhood with minimal amount of racism and thought to himself, “I can live here, I can live here while we make a good playoff push.” Except, it turned out that somehow, Terry Rozier is more valuable than Jimmy Butler. And now, here we are: Jimmy still in Chicago, and Chicago is still the least aesthetically appealing team to watch. And they’re up 2–0 on the Boston Celtics.
If you don’t think Jimmy Butler doesn’t think “fuck Terry Rozier” to himself at least twice a day, you’re gravely mistaken. He does, and he intends to give Boston buckets. This whole series is going to be rife with narratives.
One narrative will be about Boston being a weak number one seed, how Isaiah Thomas is short and how Boston can’t rebound. The other narrative is firmly rooted in the alternative reality where Jimmy Butler is a Celtic because Danny Ainge was able to adequately evaluate Terry Rozier and think to himself, “I can get a top-3 two-way player to pair with my offensive powerhouse and also Al Horford.” These are all things. Oh, and then there are Boston fans, who make every game feel like it’s a life-or-death game for the fate of the human race when the Celtics are playing.
2. Golden State Warriors vs. Portland Trail Blazers
Drama Level: Fast & Furious Franchise
I have a theory that Kong: Scull Island is a veiled metaphor for Waiters Island. It’s a good theory. You should read it. You should also visit Waiters Island right now while we’re currently at the peak of the offseason.
Anyways, I also think the best metaphor for Golden State right now is the Fast & Furious franchise. They also started out as a feel-good story, somewhere on the West Coast of U.S., racing Ja Rule for pink slips. Now here we are, packed with an All-Star cast bursting at the seams and jumping between two skyscrapers. It’s not that they went 0 to 100 (real quick); it’s more so that they went from 0 to morphing into a plane and taking off from the ground.
Any Golden State match-up is going to be fueled by emotion. On the one hand, we have Draymond Green, the breathing metronome for unreasonable emotional aggression. On the other, we have the collective hate of American people against all the rich who just keep getting richer. The Warriors went from a Cinderella story that was a tale worthy of sports movies, to a megalomaniac talent hoarder cockier than anyone in the league in the span of three years. So now, the nation that always roots for the underdog, is not rooting for them.
What’s more, they’re playing against Damian Lillard, the sole proprietor of the new Portland brunch spot named “Eating Your Words for Breakfast With Dame.” I wouldn’t be surprised if he keeps a notebook in his locker room with a detailed list of every slight he has ever received, including All-Star snubs, “Portland isn’t a Playoff Team” hot takes and that one dude who seriously suggested they trade Lillard when McCollum got hot. For these two teams, the drama isn’t that they’re playing each other; it’s just that they’re playing.
1. Houston Rockets vs. Oklahoma City Thunder
Drama Level: Winning the Popular Vote But Losing the Election
Congratulations, we are now facing two more weeks of “who is the actual MVP” discussion while Russell Westbrook and James Harden try to outperform each other on the court in a best of seven series. If the Golden State Warriors are the chronological progression of the Fast and Furious franchise, then the Rockets vs. Thunder series is the emotional tension and action from all the movies packed into a stretch of no more than seven games.
For one, the season-long “who should be the MVP” narrative gets to die another day, which will be the day whenever this series is over. At least seven (six now) more games of this means we get at least an extra week and a half to debate who deserves it more, and we’ll actually get additional evidence to support our case each game.
There’s the redemption tale of Greek proportions, which involves James Harden shaking off chronic Dwight-itis and Russell Westbrook playing at least six more “you ain’t shit Kevin” games. Then, there is the fact Clint Capela still probably has nightmares about Westbrook coming down the lane and ending his life (we’re only seeing the body of Capela play basketball now; his spirit never recovered and lays dormant in the arena).
Don’t forget about Playoff Andre Roberson, who is going to be the best three-point shooter this offseason. Or the fact that Russ plays basketball as if everyone in the arena personally said mean things about him or his fashion style. You pick something to get emotionally invested in because choice is plentiful. It’s like choosing your own adventure.
And then, of course, there is Patrick Beverley, who I am now convinced is both the scariest and the BADDEST human alive. He didn’t only get up after being close-lined by the Kiwi Human Battering ram; he went on to hit two threes, talk trash and quite possibly shank Capela in the locker room for not calling a backside screen on the play. He has a history of being a bad, bad man — a reputation for being more belligerent than a 2Chainz song. There is an unspoken, palpable tension between him and Russell Westbrook to the point where they will have to fight or fuck for it to dispel.
This is the most exciting series of the first round.
