Your Guide To Making It Through NBA Trade Rumours
If you know a Dan, you should call them, Dan’s are losing it right now. Check in on Phil too.
You can be forgiven if you went into hibernation when the NBA Playoffs started, woke up just in time to watch one or two games of the Finals and went right back until now. Well, now that you’re awake, welcome back, try not to get blinded by multiple explosions that are ringing through the League Mad Max style.
After a Playoffs that were tepid at best, but more likely somewhere close to sub-arctic temperatures, this is a nice jolt of a reminder that the NBA is as chaotic as it has ever been. It all started with Danny Ainge managing his assets to assist the Process into it’s final stage, but got even loopier afterwards. Dan Gilbert decided to stare directly into the mouth of a living lion, playing Judas to LeBron’s Julius and firing David Griffin following three straight Finals appearances. In an even more Stupid Godfather fashion (like the Godfather, but everyone involved is very stupid), Gilbert held off on his firing until Griffin couldn’t secure some of the other open GM jobs on the market. Because everyone knows that good strategy of handling LeBron is to piss him off.
Pair this with the Paul George and Jimmy Butler rumours, as well as Anthony Davis rumours and the fact that the Kings are the Kings and you have a wild lead up to the off-season, the draft and a news cycle that threatens to break the rest of us. Oh, and Phil Jackson seems to have found a new dealer that is selling him some increasingly potent peyote.
So how do you survive through the NBA off-season?
Assume The Knicks Are Going to Knick
Not to be outdone by anyone named Dan, Danny or Daniel, Phil Jackson threw himself into the ring with the intensity of a retired prized-fighter trying to recapture his youth. It’s like that Rocky movie, except funny and more realistic because the senile old man is probably going to lose. After a full season of antagonizing the team’s franchise player of the past half a decade, Jackson figured it’s time for a new schtick. I can’t make this up because after facing intense criticism of drafting Kristaps, then seeing Kristaps blossom from a baby-faced unknown, who once ill-advisdedly rocked white man brades into a baby-faced assassin of inhuman proportions, who may or may not be structurally sound, Phil has turned the NY opinion on Porzingis around. He became a much loved son to the city’s fan-base. Which naturally means he is now in the conversation to be traded.
Phil Jackson is the one guy who sits in the back of every barbershop reading a newspaper, never actually getting a haircut and is just there for the sole purpose of telling everyone who’s below the age of 40 that they don’t know shit about shit. His brain might actually be peyote.
Be Prepared for the Celtics to Be in Every Trade Rumor
I moved around a lot as a kid. I went to four different high-schools, and before I hit my growth spurt and got really good at basketball I was the odd, weird kid with a heavy Russian accent. Because of that I tried to fit in and I was very indecisive when offered risque cool things like alcohol or drugs. I didn’t know if I wanted to just do me or try and be popular. That is what Danny Ainge is sitting right now. He is sitting on a pre Spanish Armada quantity of Draft Loot and assets as well as some of the more tradeable contracts in the League. And yet he’s unwilling to pull the trigger.
As long as the Celtics attic is packed with other team’s rejected draft picks and other memorabilia gathering dust, Boston will be attached to every trade rumor on the planet. Want Danny Ainge’s second born? Just throw in two seconds and a first and you might get yourself a deal. Danny Ainge’s reaction to trade offers is basically a white girl who just got asked whether she wants fries or salad with her meal. He doesn’t know. Anthony Davis? Not happening, get out of here. Jimmy Butler? Not for Terry Rozier. Paul George? Who knows. LeBron James? Let him check with his wife.
Hoarding is cool, but after a while it’s just some old shit you kept in your garage and your kids will roll out and try to sell for pennies on the dollar when you kick it.
Make a move Danny!
Cleveland Watch
For years I assumed LeBron James to be the silent and the eventually obvious mastermind behind everything Cavaliers. He wasn’t just part of the team, he was the team. We also all knew it. It’s like when you watch a movie and within five minutes you can point at the guy and say “he’s the main bad guy” even when he’s giving the main good guy some very stellar advice. So the Dan Gilbert move was entirely ego driven to show that he’s still in control. Except you don’t try to control lightning when you’re having an argument with Zeus.
I don’t know if this is the Dan Gilbert revenge tour, but feuding with LeBron James after 3 years of unprecedented team success for a city that basically trademarked abject sadness is like punishing your wife for cheating by cutting off your own private parts. It’s stupid. LeBron James has his own gravity in the NBA.
In the next few weeks, it’s going to be important to see what Cleveland does, as firing their GM slows down their operation in a very critical moment when teams are trying to make moves. This can impair their ability to try and build for Cavs — Warriors IV and cost LeBron precious time in his Championship Window. If the Cavs are able to add pieces that LeBron wants, they’ll be fine, if not, Dan Gilbert should start writing some more letters. I heard that worked well for him last time.
Jimmy Butler and Paul George Watch
There will be a lot of rumors leading up to the draft, especially with George forcing the Pacers’ hand by being extremely vocal about wanting a divorce from the organization, effectively driving down his own value. Butler on the other hand has stayed quiet until his name started to once again appear in a myriad of rumors, and now apparently is forcing the trade to Cleveland. Or at least in principle.
There is a good chance neither player will be dealt, but they are really big names going into the off-season so you have to deal with these rumors by being realistic. Paul George to Cleveland? I don’t think there is enough value outside of Kyrie or LeBron to entice Indiana. At this point, while we’re all playing Trade Machine, there may be between one and two viable landing spots for either player and they’re not the ones you’re listening to. The reasonable approach here is wait and see because one or both might be dealt by Thursday’s Draft with teams wanting picks in what appears to be a substantial talent pool.
Stop Playing Broken Telephone
Trust Woj more than you trust Jesus (or whatever religious deity rules your life), but be careful with who else you listen to. This is also the season for unsubstantiated trade rumors, meaning you’ll hear stuff like “Clippers Are Making a Legitimate Run at Paul George.” With what assets? I’d also like to trade in my Volkswagen Scirocco for a brand new BMW M3i Coupe or this McDonalds Big Mac I’m eating for some filet mignon, but I think the maitre d would laugh me out of the restaurant if I came in with that offer.
We’re starved for ultimate excitement after the NBA Playoffs sleepwalked the Golden State Avengers to a NBA Championship, but if you realistically believe that the Pelicans would trade Anthony Davis after just acquiring Boogie, please let me know how, where and for how much were you able to get the same stuff Phil Jackson has been on.
