A Second Chance
“Opening my eyes a bright light shined through my eyes... am I dead?”
*Authors note* Press the video at the bottom first then read along with it<-
The year was 2012 and the smell of candy from girls cheap perfume to cover up their weed stench still made my nose want to bleed walking through my high school’s single hallway. Walking through those halls every single day felt like it was suffocating and eating me alive. The halls seemed to cave in little by little every day. Each day got longer and longer. Could I continue holding up a smile that everyone thought was real but deep inside, it was just a girl in pain and anger that no one could see.
Looking around at everyone in the hall they all seemed so happy, smiles on their faces, having so many friends. I felt like an outcast in a lot of these groups at school. Sometimes I wondered if it was just me, was it the way I looked? Was I not popular enough? Or was it the fact that no one really wanted to talk to me? It sucked having a cloud over my head every time I walked into the building let alone coming back home with the same feeling. “Mija como fue el dia? How did your day go my daughter?” My mother and dad always asked me that when I got picked up.
“Fine.” The same answer I gave them. The same fucking answer each day.
I knew I wasn’t fine because everyday all I wanted to do was scream out my lungs and my voice but I couldn’t. Each day I wanted to run out of the house and jump off a bridge. There was always something holding me back. I coped with my feelings intensifying everyday. I simmered them with my only friend at the time. “Mr. Sharpener.” It wasn’t a typical sharpener I was going to use to sharpen my pencils. I wanted the shiny cold blade that was there. Gripping it in my hand so tightly. I felt its crisp sharpness.
I locked my room before anything, sat on the floor and pulled off the 15–20 bracelets I had on. Getting to the last bracelet, I turned my wrist over showing bright red slits, irritated pink scars. It was like a wildfire, it was painful it stung every time I pulled my bracelets off. Cutting was a addiction. Feeling the satisfaction!
Every single fucking time that blade sliced through my soft skin. Slicing through that same cut, over and over repeatedly. Pain covered up my sadness or will to cry. Seeing red droplets of sorrow depleting from those deep lacerations, thinking to myself. “Can these painful feelings leave me the fuck alone for once!” I always got angry at myself after doing what I did. I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do.
All I knew was to clean up and put my bracelets back on, keep my mouth shut, no matter the amount of pain.
Unlocked my door, went to sleep each night feeling that wildfire spread.
Months flew by like leaves falling off the trees, the best holidays passed. Thanksgiving, my Birthday, I was surprised I lasted that long, Christmas, and New Years. 2013 could these be it? A new year in a way yeah it was. There was this guy I already knew, I liked him a lot but I never really said anything till he told me first and it started to grow into a relationship. For the first time in months being at school, I actually felt…Happy.
Hitting the month of Love February. I was really excited, could this have been the first time I spend it with someone? The 14th hit I couldn’t wait to get to school. I felt though as it was a mistake. A bullet went through my heart that day and the lights in my eyes went dark.
Nothing lasts forever. My feelings were as Fragile as glass of course they shattered to nothing but dust. Knowing I was only used for a guys satisfaction and pleasure being hidden and used as some sex slave or as they call it “friends with benefits.” I never agreed to wanting to be that but it seemed like wild fire went through the hallways. I wasn’t surprised with the outcome of what was coming. It was horrible to think to myself that I never did anything but of course a noose around my neck in highschool with gossip and groups never loosened up around my neck. My spirits felt shattered.
“slut , whore , skank, kill yourself,”
Habits came back. For some reason this person kept coming back to me, making me want to feel like there was something still there, using me but I couldn’t help the fact of a heartbreak. I didn’t know why I couldn’t let go. It was at the point where I finally learned the lies.
I hated him.
Never knew I could hate someone so much after only using me for what they wanted.
It made myself turn even darker than before. Everything just seemed to just want come down on me. I ignored a lot of people again. I just wanted summer to come a source of freedom something! Dealing with other things such as my family felt like it was slowly killing me it was just too much for me. I couldn’t avoid his face I saw it everyday, he was in my class every period beside advisory. He kept trying I just pushed away and sat far away every time.
Music wasn’t helping me anymore.
Summers wind was finally blowing through me. Staring at the suns sunset one last time is all I wanted, I shut my eyes and saw nothing but an amazing view.
Sliding up my sleeve looking into the sky seeing the bright rays of orange, yellows and pinks one last time. For once I felt a calming essence having my eyes shut seeing this scenery. My breath cut sh0rt, my eyes opened up quickly.
I dropped the blade and it seemed like it was falling in slow motion, hitting the floor making an echoing noise. I looked down at my wrist and it looking like nothing but a deep sea flooded with red. My Breath felt getting shorter and shorter, I panicked. Running out the bathroom trying to get to my parents room I fell to the floor. My mother came out screaming yelling for my father. “Help! Help! Call 911!” Echoed inside my ears. Feeling my parents hold me so tight trying to keep me awake waiting for those paramedics to come. I felt I couldn’t hold on anymore.
Paramedics came lifting me into an ambulance still trying to hold my hand. Everything just started to dim out as if my sorrow that I should’ve spoke out about. Finally began to swallow me. I didn’t feel that I was holding my mothers hand anymore and everything just turned pitch black and quiet…
Light as bright as the sun pushed itself through small slits. “Where am I? thinking to myself is this where I’m finally at.” The light got bigger and bigger and my eyes opening up focusing in. A bright white ceiling, a figure hovered over me focusing in, it was my mother. They sat me up and my entire family was right there. Being told I was in the hospital for 2 almost 3 days asleep. Looking down at my arm feeling the guilt but realizing.
I was given a second chance.
Recovering was the only answer. I didn’t go to therapist. I actually had my family help me recover. I had to stop holding my feelings in and I actually sat down every night talking about how I felt. It was working, I didn’t feel that intense pressure on me anymore. My family is all I need my closest friends come second. They are people I know are always going to be there for me.
Looking back at this moment. It’s 2015, I grew into becoming a strong woman. Life’s too precious to be cut short. I would’ve missed out on so many opportunities if I wasn’t given that second chance. I probably would’ve missed out on meeting an amazing person I’m with today. Not being able to pursue my dream. I give much love to the people who were there for me who are still there for me today. Don’t cut your life short, opportunities are at the palms of your hands waiting to be grabbed. Stay strong no matter how hard a bump in life may get. Filtering out those feelings, bottling them up and locking them away is dangerous. Cutting out the people who caused the most pain is what left me happy after because I don’t need people like that in my life.
All I need is the air in my lungs, a few sheets of blank paper, God’s good humor and a dream to catch now.