My Depression
Have you ever thought of a time to just end it all? I have and it was an experience I will never forget in my life. Life is a difficult thing to live when someone is constantly surrounded by friends but still feels so alone, so cold, and so constantly afraid to be put in this dark abyss were the only noises you can hear are the voices of your head. I experienced this when I was a senior in high school.
It was in the beginning of my senior year. My first time actually being depressed hit me like a train. I have been depressed before but when those times happened it was a day or two this lasted until the very end of my senior year. I wasn’t really good with keeping my grades up so to a lot of people including myself made me felt like I was a total failure, a waste of space, and a mistake that shouldn’t ever have been created. It all began when I got my first report card which was mainly all F’s. I started eating less and less food each day to the point where I started skipping meals. At school when I was around my friends I would try to put a smile on my face to hide the pain, but they all knew something was happening to me so I started not hanging out with them so much to try and push them away. I didn’t understand how to talk about my problems because I felt it made me less of a man. At the times I actually did talk to someone it didn’t really help because I felt like I wasn’t telling them the whole truth. That’s when the voices in my head started.
They would constantly tell me how much of a failure I am and how I will always be alone. Then the dreams started coming. It happens at any moment just showing me an easy way out to end it all by so many different ways by the tools I had had around me. At times life was and still is overwhelming to me. I then started popping pills, usual 4 or more not really trying to overdose, but was really just to trying to actually get some sleep. Even though there have been people who hold their hand out for me I just can’t seem to be able to reach for it. Every night I would just stay up night after night even after taking pills sometimes just wanting to cry, but can’t bring myself to do so because I had no tears left to use. Even though I wanted to end it so badly I just decided to keep going on with life because I knew it is better to feel pain than to not feel anything at all.
This shows no matter what is going on in someone’s head no matter how depressed they get they shouldn’t suicide because that is never the answer. I still want to just end it, but I know when it comes down to it I won’t because even if life doesn’t get better I should just live it to the very end. Life is short and the hardest thing about it is living it so why not wait until the end to just experience all this so the end can be that much sweeter. If it does get better than you can just live your life with a genuine smile instead of hiding it like I have and maybe always will.
